Lena Orders Lunch

Okay, let's see--

Well, I know want the House Burger
But can I get that without the House sauce?
And the lettuce?
And the buns?

I'm not eating bread anymore
I read somewhere that it shrinks your breasts

I know
That doesn't sound right to me either
But I'm not taking any chances

If it were up to me
I wouldn't eat food at all
Every day they're telling you some new food
Is going to dramatically decrease
Your quality of life

Why don't they just say 'Stop eating?'
It's going to come to that eventually anyway

Okay, so I'll have the House burger
And a House salad
And do you have a House dessert?

Great

Do me a favor
If I order the House dessert
Don't bring it to me

I'm trying to lose weight
Not in my breasts
Just in the rest of me

I realize that's not possible
As soon as you lose weight
You lose it in all the places
You don't want to lose it

The first things to go when I diet
Are my breasts, my behind, and my sanity

The only three things I have going for me

When my husband shows up
He's going to order the skirt steak

Tell him you're out of it
Tell him you're out of everything
But the House salad
His cholesterol is through the roof

He's going to be mad
So talk in a baby voice
And say--

'I'm so sawwy sir, pweese don't be mad at me.'

You'll get the biggest tip
You've ever gotten in your life
I can guarantee you that

I'll have to shoot you a dirty look
But don't worry
I'm aware that we're in this together

For now, can you bring me a drink?

Give me a glass of vodka
With a splash of Hawaiian punch
Two cut up strawberries
And a little pink umbrella

My girlfriends and I used to sip those on the beach
So we could look girly
And still get smashed

All the men thought we were so cute

We used to call those drinks
Venus Flytraps

Never mind why

I always said I was never going to become the woman
Who takes twenty minutes ordering lunch

Now I think most of those women weren't picky
They just wanted someone to talk to for a little while

You probably think they don't pay you enough
To talk to lonely people

Well, you're right

I suppose I shouldn't be so lonely
With a husband on the way
Taking time away from work
To come have lunch
With his nagging wife

Then again, I'm not entirely sure he's coming

When I called his office
They said he hadn't made it in yet today
But he could just be running late

We eat lunch together every Thursday
So I assume he'll remember
But then again...

We eat out so often
I think word's gotten around
About him being a big tipper

And some women don't nag as much as I do...

Well, anyway
I'll have that drink
And some mozzarella sticks
And potstickers
And something with bacon on it
And the House dessert

I know what I said, but that was a few minutes ago
I wasn't in my right mind a few minutes ago

Don't pay any attention to me
Nobody else does

Whatever that dessert is
Put extra everything on it
Put bacon on it too

To eat is to live
And you have to live
When you can

So I'll eat

And maybe my breasts will get bigger
And my ass will get larger
And my sanity will firm up

At the very least
I'll be happy

--Until the guilt sets in

But still, for a moment
Happy

And if you've ever had that before
You know you have to get it while you can

Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw it'
And get what you want