Cal Kelly Checks His Schedule

Hey Mer!

What is UP stranger?

No, I'm totally glad you called
I was going to call you
But then thinks got BLAH!
And I was all BLEH
And work sucked
And I accidentally pierced a nipple the other day
And you know how it goes

Hang out?

Oh my God!

I would LOVE to hang out!

Yes, totally
Let's do it
When?

Monday?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu yeah
I don't know

See, my boyfriend and I
Usually watch Crazy Cat Lady
On Mondays

You know, that show on TLC
'Crazy Cat Lady'
It comes on right after
'Albino Bounty Hunters'

It's amazing
And, like
We get pizza
We make a whole night of it
You know
Because, like, Mondays suck
So we totally just need to destress
And like, watch stupid tv, you know?

When else is good for you?

Tuesday?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah I don't know

On Tuesdays, my boyfriend and I
Usually go over his Mom's house
Because she's practically my Mom now
Because when she first met me two weeks ago
She was like--

Oh my God!  You're so much handsomer
Than the guy my son used to bring here
And I was like, I know, I know that guy
He's my best friend

Well, was my best friend
Skyler, you know Skyler, right?

Ew, I hate him now
Like, sorry I fell in love with your boyfriend
And he fell in love with me
And the Universe just works that way
And you're ugly so nobody likes you
And me and your boyfriend hooked up in your bed
While you were at your dad's funeral
But why not be a good friend
And let love be what it is?

You know?

So yeah, we go over his Mom's house
And she makes, like, food and shit
It's pretty awesome

What about--

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah Wednesday I can't

On Wednesdays me and the bf
Sit at a kitchen table
And figure out all the ways
We can continue to intertwine our lives

Like, last week we decided to get joint checking accounts
And then the week before that we decided to swap kidneys
And then the week before that we weren't dating
And life was bleak and shit, you know?

But like, now I'm so happy
And oh my God
I'm so happy that you can be happy for me
Now that I'm happy
Because I'm sure it was really upsetting you
That I wasn't happy before
Even though I might have seemed happy
Because I was dating Chris
And I told you I was happy with him
I really wasn't
But now I totally am

Thursday?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeah the thing is--

That's usually when my boyfriend and I
Share the poetry we've written about each other
To each other

I'm working on a haiku for him right now
Do you want to hear it?

Maybe you can help me with it

Like, does the first line HAVE to have five syllables?

Because 'genitalia' is like four and so--

Okay, well, maybe another time

Friday?

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww damn

That's when me and the stiff-biff are going away for the weekend

Yeah, we just need to get away from the gay scene
You know?

Like all the crazy hook-up sketch lame drama shit, you know?

We just need to be away from gays for awhile

So we're going to P-Town
Then Fire Island
Then back to P-Town
Then next weekend we're going to San Francisco
Then Key West
Then P-Town again
Then New York
And then this town in Mexico
Called Homoville
That's supposed to be amazing

Huh?

No, I meant we need to get away from the gays HERE
Not gays everywhere haha

I mean, that would be impossible
Like where would we go then?

What's Montana?

Is that the girl who won Top Model last year?
Because I think I hated her

Well, maybe when I get back
We can meet up

God, being in love is so time-consuming

No, I'm not working or anything now

The boy-boy makes like amazing money
As a dancer at that place
Where they call the strippers dancers
So I just kinda hang out all day
And play house-husband

But you know, that can be exhausting

And imagine when we that baby we ordered
Comes in from Amazon

Mer, I love you
But there's a good chance
We might not see each other
For a really long time