Jennifer Aniston Isn't Ready to Do TV

Hi!  Oh no, this is a perfect--

Yeah, I was just getting my nails done, but--

No, it's fine, really--how are you?

Oh, come on, who doesn't like hearing from their agent?

When I stop hearing from you
I'll be mad

Hahaha--so what's up?

...Uh huh...

...Uh huh...

Well yeah, that could be fun

Like a guest spot?

Like when I did 30 Rock or Dirt or Cougar--

What?

Well, how could I do that?

No, I just mean
How would I do that
AND movies?

I mean, wouldn't that be a lot to juggle with--

But then I wouldn't be able to do movies full-time
I'd be doing tv full-time
And, I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with doing tv anymore
TV's changed
And Steve Carrell does tv
Or did tv
And Tina Fey did tv
Does tv
And she does movies
And, um, but, I'm sort of--

I mean, I don't want to say I'm above them or anything--

Because, I mean
But, you know, like how some movie people
Just don't DO tv?

Like, because, I DID tv
Like I did tv for a LONG time
And now--

Well, yes I know Courtney does--
And Lisa, yes, but--
Yeah, and Matt but--
And other Matt, okay, I know, but--

But none of them have really...

I mean, Courtney had the Scream movies
And that was great
But I've, I mean, I actually--

I mean, you know, I'm a...

Hang on, let me go in the bathroom

. . . . .

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M A MOVIE STAR
GODDAMMIT!

I'M NOT DOING SOME SHOW
WHERE I PLAY A VETERNARIAN!

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S ON HBO!
IT'S STILL TV!

YES, IT IS!

IT IS TV
HBO IS TV!
IF IT'S HBO IT IS TV!

AHHHHHHH!!!

. . . . .

Okay, I've calmed down now

You know, I knew this call was going to come

I knew it

As soon as I said I'd do The Switch
I knew, one day
I'd get this call from you

And, let me remind you
I didn't want to DO The Switch
YOU wanted me to do The Switch

I wanted to do that independent movie
Where I was going to play the lesbian

Everybody's playing lesbians now but me
Why can't I play a lesbian, huh?

If I had played a lesbian
I bet I'd have gotten nominated for something
And then this phone call wouldn't be happening at all
True or false?

What do you mean to which part?

And WHY didn't they want me playing a lesbian?

If Julianne Moore can be a lesbian--

Do I need to kiss a woman?
Is that what needs to happen
Because I will walk out of this bathroom
And kiss that manicurist right now!

Right on the lips!

HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO DO TV?

A bipolar veternarian?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!

And don't even tell me that the animals talk to her

Please, don't tell me that the--

OH FUCK YOU!

FUUUUUUCKKK YOU!

How much money did Horrible Bosses make, huh?

How much?

Was it not a hit?

Did people not love it?

What do you mean I wasn't in it that much?

I was the one who SOLD that movie?
Who cares how much of it I was in?

Do you think they were going to put Jason Bateman
On the cover of Marie Claire
Without me?

I mean, I'm not trying to be a snob here
I'm just saying--

What about The Break-Up?
What about The Good Girl?
What about Along Came Polly?

No, I'm not PROUD of Along Came Polly
But it made money, didn't it?

Didn't it make money?

So what if it was seven years ago?

What was the last time a movie She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named
Made any money?

Kung Fu Panda?

YOU CAN'T COUNT KUNG FU PANDA!

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS SHOW UP TO A RECORDING STUDIO
AND GRUNT INTO A MICROPHONE!

She probably didn't even have to do that
She grunts all the time
They probably just followed her around
With a tape recorder
Until they got what they needed!

When is she doing tv, huh?
When's that going to happen?

Tell you what

When she does tv
Then I will

How about that?

When she plays a neurologist
Who hears her patients brains talking to her
Then I'll play a bipolar vet
With a talking guinea pig

But until then
I am NOT ready to do tv

An Emmy?

If I want an Emmy
I'll do a Showtime movie
Where I play Susan B. Anthony

I don't need to do an entire SERIES
About Susan B. Anthony!

Just please tell them 'No'
All right?

Just tell them thank you
But no
I'm not ready yet

I am not ready
To--

Wait, how much?

THAT much?

To do television?

Wow, I guess HBO is sort of--

Well, still, I can't--

Per episode?

That's...I mean...

And I mean, do I have creative control here
Like, does the guinea pig HAVE to talk to her
Can't it be sort of a dream kind of--

FULL creative control?

Wow, I didn't--

Well, I guess I could take a meeting at least

What's the character's name?

...Uh huh...

Well what--?

Rachel?

Huh

Well I guess I walked right into that one