Freddy The Fat Vampire

You know, I really feel--

--And this might just be me

But it's still valid

I really feel like
Vampires are misrepresented
In the media

And I don't mean that
They make us look more evil
Or scary than we are
Because we are evil and scary

I mean, I'm pretty terrifying
You know, when I'm full-on vampiring

But, what I mean is--

We're always portrayed as being--

Skinny

And, as you can see
I'm not that skinny

Vampires, for the most part
Are NOT skinny

I don't know if you know this
But blood is very fattening

Right now, eighty percent of the vampire population
Is obese

It's a huge problem

We'd worry more about it
But we're already dead
So it seems kind of pointless
To obsess about it

What I do obsess about
Is the fact
That I go on these dates
And the girls sit there
Looking at me
All disappointed
Because I'm not willowy and wispy

I'm not supposed to be!
I'm a killing machine!

One girl actually had the nerve to ask me
If I watch 'The Vampire Diaries'

No, I said, I have better things to do with my time

Like what, she said

Like suck the blood out of a squirrel I found
On the side of the road

Then I asked her if she's seen 'True Blood'

She gets all happy and says--

'Of course I have!  I love that show!'

'Well,' I said, 'You notice how Anna Paquin isn't all that pretty but all the men on the show are attracted to her anyway?'

'Yeah,' she said

'Well guess what,' I said, 'You're not Anna Paquin.'

It took her a second to figure it out
But once she did
She stormed off in a huff

Not that I cared

She wasn't taking care of herself

I like a woman with her eyes
Still in their sockets
Not sitting on the dinner table
Looking up at me

But that's just me

What's funny is a girl like that
Still thinks she has a right
To be picky

It's too bad that the guy who turned her
Forgot to suck the snob out of her
Before he made her one of us

And they're all like that!

So now I have to exercise
Do yoga
Eat right

Lately I've only been biting vegans
And let me tell you something
I think they like it a little too much

If this keeps up
I'm just going to start dating mermaids

Hey, why not?

Everybody loves seafood