How You Handled It

He said, 'Can we be friends?'

Very sweet
Very lovely
A lovely gesture

'Can we be friends?'

And, society dictates
That I say 'Yes'

That I say 'Yes'
Knowing
We are never
Going to be
Friends

We may be acquaintances
We may be more than strangers
We may be able to exchange a nice 'hello'
If we see each other by chance
Because we will ONLY see each other by chance
Because we are not
Will not be
Really
Friends

But you see, this entire sham
Is all so that
There can be a little less awkwardness
In the Universe

So that everybody is 'okay'

'Are you two all okay?'
'Yeah, we're okay.'
'We're great.'
'We're friends.'

Fuck that

I have no interest
In being
Your friend

I have lots of friends
Too many friends
And the friends I have now
Are getting short-changed as it is
Because I spend all my time
Trying to create new friendships
With people like you
So that I can appear to be
A mature individual
Who befriends their old fuck buddies
Once the fuck buddies panic
Because the music stopped
And they didn't see enough chairs
To sit in

I find you weak

I find it weak that somebody nears thirty
Or falls over the top
And if they're not in some semblance
Of a committed relationship
They feel they're failing at something
In their life

I'm failing at nothing

I eat dinner when I want
I go out when I want
I watch what I want on tv

And although I'm sure true love is brilliant
If it's anything less than that
I'm not interested in it

And I sincerely doubt
That the person you've found

The square peg that fits into your rectangular hole
Albeit, not perfectly, but hey
Comfortably, right?

Because in this age
Of constant dissatisfaction
And the heightened awareness
That we are NOT going to wind up with our
Sleepless in Seattle soulmates
But instead, someone reasonably attractive
That we can live with
Who will not drive us crazy--

--Comfortable is all we can hope for

Bitter?
Jaded?
Cynical?

Yes, I am

Just please add 'pragmatic' to that list

Because, and here's what scares me
Now, when anybody speaks the truth about ANYTHING
They're bitter

They're jaded

They're cynical

If anybody says anything unpleasant
About love or relationships
They're a wounded soul
Lashing out at everybody else
Who still believes

Well go ahead and believe
But keep your believing away from me
I do not want to be your friend

And not because you went out
And found a relationship
Although I do admit
That it's always a bit sad
When I have to put a line through someone's name
In my Happy Book

Not that most of them don't come running right back
To the sort of situation they had 'grown out of'
Once their marriage of convenience
Deconvenes

No, I am not jealous or deeply hurt
I am simply stunned
At how
You handled it

One day I shoot you a message
Asking if you'd like to hang out
And yes, that means sex
Because it always means sex
Because that is how our relationship works

And at first, you act surprised
Like you're unaware of the parameters
Like we haven't done this a million times
Like you haven't contacted me in the same way looking for the same thing
Like I'm some foul odor that's clouded over you
Like you simply don't understand

And we go back and forth
While I try to figure out
If I did something wrong
Or you're just in a weird mood

And then you say--

'I'm seeing someone'

And you say it in this sort of
And yes, this may make me sound crazy
Since we do this all through text messaging
But I detect a definite tone
A definite superior tone
As if--

It's as if you're saying--

'You are now a cast-off of my wicked past.  Be gone with you'

Oh, but then--

'I shallow allow thee friendship.  You may rejoice.'

And when I say 'you're seeing someone?'

You say 'Yes'
And again
I detect tone
As if you feel I should have known this
As if perhaps I didn't read the newsletter
You send out
To all your fuck buddies

Gee sorry, I never should have let that subscription lapse
If I hadn't, I would know that you've been seeing someone for three days
And they've already moved in
And adopted a cat with you
And you've made a blood pact
To die together
Grasping each other
In some buried tomb
Like Aida and Radames

And then in comes the knife--

'But let's catch up sometime.  No reason we can't be friends.'

Oh yes, because that won't be silly

Two people whose entire relationship
Involved nudity and seeing which surfaces would be most fun to screw on
Suddenly sitting in a cafe
Talking about how good the muffins are

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Why am I the crazy one
For suggesting
That something like that
Would be horribly--

--And this should have an affect on you--

--UNCOMFORTABLE

For both of us

Or are you hoping
That I'll say 'Sure, let's do that'
And then never follow through

Much like you never followed through
On letting me, and whomever else you might have been fucking around with, know
That suddenly you were the marrying kind

So that I wouldn't have to find out like this

When I'm halfway to your house
After a long day
Needing to release all this tension
And now instead
I'm going to have to drive to some sleazy pizza joint
And order the Meat Lover's Special
Which I'm pretty sure comes
With a live pig on top

And I
Will
Eat
It

All that aside, we cannot be friends
Because my friends
Do not text me with superior tones


They don't think being in a relationship
Somehow makes them better
Or different
From who they were


My friends would not have handled it
Like you handled it


And that's why I'm mad
That's why we can't be friends
That's why I really want to drive by your house
And shout--


'I FUCKED ON THAT DINING ROOM TABLE FIRST, WHOEVER YOU ARE!'


But I won't
I don't
I didn't


I thought about it, but--


No


I'll admit that what we had
Didn't entitle me to any loyalty
Or commitment


Maybe it didn't even obligate you
To phone me
When you knew
That you were getting off the market


But that tone
And those messages
And that bullshit you came up with
To keep everything sunny and pleasant


I deserved better than that


Just a little bit better


So regardless of what society dictates


No, we will not be friends
No, we will not be acquaitances
No, if I see you out in public, I will not walk up and hug you
As if we used to go square-dancing together


I'm sorry, but I won't do it


Actually, no, I'm not sorry


Fuck you


I'd love to end this on a mature note
But why start now?


Fuck you
Fuck whomever you're dating
And fuck me for wasting my time on you
Even if it was fun time
Even if it was nothing

I still could have wasted it
On someone better