And Then They Cancelled the Show

So I got this tv show
And I was, obviously
You know, thrilled

Like, incredibly thrilled
Like, you know
Thrilled

And so, I was cautious, you know
Because I've done theater for awhile
Because I know that things fall through
And you get a job
And then you lose the job
Because somebody decides to give the director
A better handjob than the one you gave him
And that's, you know
That's life

But anyway, like, on a whim
I go and audition for this show
To like, host this game show
On Fox

And I get it

I get the fucking hosting job

Because they're looking for someone
Gay and sassy
And obviously
I'm gay and sassy

And they can't afford Neil Patrick Harris
So they decided to go with me

And yes, I know it's a game show
And it's not like I was asked to join the cast of "Mad Men"
Or anything
But hosting a game show on Fox
Still trumps a revival of "The Little Foxes" on Broadway
Which, incidentally, is the job my ex booked
Five days before I booked the game show
And good thing I did
Because if I hadn't
And my ex became more successful than I am
I would have killed him
And everybody else in Manhattan

So thank your lucky stars
I got the game show

But again, I was cautious
Because, you know
Things fall through

But, you see
Some people
Have a different idea
Of what 'cautious' means

To some, it might mean
Keeping your mouth shut
Until the show airs
And gets good ratings
And gets picked up
Which means, like
The network, Fox
Likes it, and wants more episodes

That might mean 'cautious'
To some people

But, um, to me
It meant
Call everybody you know
And tell them you booked a game show
And cash out your bank account
Buying everybody drinks at the bar
You know your ex goes to with his new boyfriend
And bask in the glow of his envy
When he hears your booked a game show

And even though his revival will ultimately be a huge
Commercial and critical success

And even though he'll be nominated for a Tony
And even though the lead will be played by none other
Than Sandra Oh (color-blind casting, obvi)
And she'll get him a guest spot on 'Grey's Anatomy'

You'll be hosting the hit game show 'Dunk the Mormon'

The rules of which you don't really understand
But you don't need to
Because a voice-over explains the whole thing to the audience
And all you have to do
Is throw double entendres at the Mormons
Before they get dunked in various liquids
Provided their relatives answer the trivia questions incorrectly

And, they will get dunked
Because all the questions are about pop culture
And not a lot of hardcore Mormons
Can name more than one Kardashian

So I'm going to host this show
And it's going to be big
Because the guy who produces 'Catch the Catholic' is producing it
And that's a huge hit
And my ex is jealous
And my bank account is empty
Because just the paycheck for the pilot
Is double what was in the account anyway
And we film the pilot
And it's awesome
And funny
And horribly offensive
Which means it's going to be the most-watched show on television
And I'm getting phone calls
From every guy who has never called me back
Telling me they lost their phones
And their minds
And can they please blow me again
Because now I'm going to be famous
And I say--SURE!

Because the world is kind again

I'm on television

I'm a star

And then...

They cancel

The show

Now

Here's the thing

They cancel the show

Before it even airs

Did you know that could happen?

Hahaha because I didn't!

Apparently

They can watch a pilot
Love it
And then cancel it anyway

Because you see--

There was a show they thought would do poorly
And it didn't
It did very well

So initially they were going to cancel that show
And replace it with 'Dunk the Mormon'

That's right

They aired a show they thought would fail
And then prepped another show to take its place
Before the first show even failed

Welcome to the world of television, ladies and gentlemen

So the first show doesn't fail
So there's no need for 'Dunk the Mormon'
So my show gets cancelled
Before

It even

Airs

Let me say that again

Before

It

Even

Airs

The only proof the show even happened at all
Is the trailer for it on the Fox website
And then they take that down
And when I ask for a tape of the pilot
The legal department says I can't have it

So I tell the legal department
That I have an ex-boyfriend
Who's about to be on Broadway
With a cast member of 'Grey's Anatomy'
And Tutti from 'The Facts of Life'

--Again, color-blind casting--

And I need that fucking tape!

They still won't give it to me

So I hang up the phone
Crawl into my shower
And remain there for three days
Waiting until I'm skinny enough
To fall down the drain
And be eaten by a sewer gator

And then that doesn't happen

So I get up
I go out
I audition
For something else
For a theater job

Auditioning for theater
After landing a television show
Is a little like having Brad Pitt fuck you
Only to find yourself asking Philip Seymour Hoffman
For his number

The casting director actually said to me--

'Didn't you get a game show?'

I burst into tears

Which might have worked for the audition
If it weren't for a production of 'The Odd Couple'

I considered moving out of the city
Buying a farm
Waiting thirty years for a film crew to show up
Doing a documentary
On game show hosts that never actually got to be game show hosts
Asking me how I wound up raising alpacas
In Idaho

But then
You know
Well...

You get over it
You move past it
You get drunk

You have a threeway, with, ironically
Two Mormons

I think at one point
We played the home version
Of 'Dunk the Mormon'
And suffice it to say
I was a big winner

It's just the biz, you know
It's just...

It's disappointing

But there's always tomorrow

And by tomorrow I mean
My ex-boyfriend got cut from that episode of 'Grey's Anatomy'
Lost the Tony to Seth Rogan for his performance in 'A Thousand Clowns'
And got broken up with by his new boyfriend
For an eighteen-year-old dancer named Tyzon

He's on a cruise ship now
Singing a solo in a Hall and Oates medley

So, you know

Life goes on