Nobody Lives in America Anymore

Z’s in China

Doing the Deal

You know the Deal?

The Big Deal

That we’re working out

For 2014?

It’s a Huge Deal

And Z’s handling it

Moved there a month ago

Says it’s wild

Says you can get great pizza there

All this time we’ve been worried about the Chinese buying us out

Taking over

Turns out we should have been worried

About our pizza

Do you have any idea how heavily the American economy

Relies on the pizza industry?

And China’s ready to swoop right in

And decimate the market

I mean, they’re doing things with pizza

--And this is all coming from Z, I Skyped with him last night, he’s getting fat

They’re doing things with pizza

That we haven’t even considered

They are taking a fresh, bold look at pizza

And we need to worry about that

We need to be considering that

And we’re not, you know?

I mean, we’re just not

We’re a country of fucking ostriches, man

Everybody’s got their head in the sand

Waiting for somebody to tug on their neck

And say, ‘Hey!  Look around you!  Shit’s on fire!’

But we’re all in the sand

Everybody in this country

Is in the sand

And those of us from this country

Who aren’t in the sand

Just gotta stand by and watch

Because I know

--And this is just me speaking, and yeah, you know, I’m selfish, but there’s a book called ‘Being Selfless in a Selfish Age, or Self-Sabotage’ which I really want you to read—

I know that I don’t want to spend my life

Walking around

Yanking the necks of ostriches

Saying China’s got pizza that tastes like wine and caviar

And what the fuck are you going to do about it?

Not my job, you know?

Not my job

And who wants that job?

Nobody

Nobody’s here anymore

Nobody’s here to do anything

America’s one big fucking abandoned amusement park

I mean, sure

It’s kinda fun to be the only one on the roller coaster

But eventually the zombies show up

And eat your fucking brains

You know what I’m saying?

It’s depressing

I fly in from London for two days

I make a couple of calls

To see who’s around

And I realize—

--You know what I fucking realize?

Nobody lives in America anymore

Think about it

Z’s in China

T’s working in Quebec

L’s been stuck in India for three years

Trying to slow those fuckers down

Because otherwise we might as well pick up Silicon Valley

And all of Seattle

And just dump it right in the middle of Mumbai

Because that’s how good those fuckers are getting

At doing OUR jobs

And you know, just

It’s, you know

It’s like I’m going back to my old college when I come here, man

It’s like I’m taking a trip down memory lane

Instead of visiting what’s-supposed-to-be the superpower

Where I grew up

And fucked

And learned to cut a contract

In less than two hours

What the fuck—you know?

Listen man, all I’m saying is you gotta think about getting the fuck out of here

That position they’re talking to you about in Tokyo?

Consider it, man

We can’t fight the river anymore

There’s no point to it

We gotta think about this a whole new way

The way L’s doing it in India

We gotta start thinking about creating our own Americas

In all these places where they’re shipping us

They’re—

--Whether they know it or not, and you know, I’m not a conspiracy nut, but part of me thinks they know it—

They’re diluting the country

People say ripping, ripping apart

There’s no ripping going on, man

We’d notice ripping

What’s happening is dilution

We had ourselves a gin and tonic

And they keep pouring in the tonic

And pouring out the gin

And then they wonder

Why we’re all so fucking sober and morbid

When two am rolls around

Do you get what I’m saying to you?

Man, set up another line for me, all right?

I’m really getting into this shit

This philosophy stuff

This is what we need in the world right now

Prophets, man, we need prophets

That’s what made Ancient Greece what it was

Before Cleopatra wiped out all that shit

What the fuck was I saying?

Right, dilution

It’s a fucking Diaspora man

You know my father’s Jewish

I know about all this shit

Getting Schismed and shit

I know about that, man

Last night Z and I were Skyping, and he just started crying man

I felt so bad, man

The fat fuck was balling his eyes out

All because he misses home

And not just because he misses home

But because he knows there’s no home

Left to go to anymore, you know?

He doesn’t want to come back here

And ride the fucking bumper cars

BY HIMSELF

He wants to come back

And find some family sitting around

Like a Norman Rockwell painting

Eating turkey

And playing touch football

Like the fucking Kennedys

And it’s not going to happen, you know?

Nobody’s here

Nothing’s left

Everybody’s so worried

That some terrorist

Is going to set off some bomb somewhere

Yeah, guess what?

Bomb’s already gone off

A culture bomb

A financial bomb

A fucking bomb-ba-bomb-bum-bomb-bum-bomba

Bang, you know?

BANG!

Nobody lives in America anymore

And it’s scary, man

It’s fucking scary

Hey, order me a pizza

Set up another line

Then order me a pizza

I don’t fucking care from where

As long as it’s not from China

I want to eat some American fucking pizza

You know what I mean?

I want to eat a little bit of my country

Before I can’t anymore

Before it’s too fucking late