The Problem with the Hand Dryer

Excuse me, miss
I have a problem with your hand dryer

First of all
Before we begin
Can I just comment on how sad it is
That I even need to comment
On what I'm about to comment on?

Here's my comment:

There's a problem with the hand dryer

Well, I shouldn't say that
It's not just YOUR hand dryer
But hand dryers
In general

You see, we need paper towels

They're necessary

Hand-washing, if done correctly
And, I should add
Most people don't do it correctly
So what you really need
Are paper towels

You need paper towels
To wipe away
Whatever the washing
Doesn't eliminate

If you don't have paper towels
You're leaving bacteria
On your hands

And then, if you add insult to injury
By BLOWING, some would say BLASTING
The germs off your hands
And back into the air
You're risking the bacteria
Becoming airborne
Thereby clinging to you or others
And essentially killing you

That's the problem with the hand dryer

Might I also add
That it doesn't even effectively
Dry your hands

It leaves them feeling
Sort of moist
But certainly not dry

Just calling it a hand DRYER
Is sort of a lie
Wouldn't you say?

Wouldn't you agree
That you're sort of lying to people
Just by having that contraption
In this establishment?

People walk out of your bathroom
Feeling clean
Feeling fresh

Walking about in blissful ignorance
While disease continues to spread
Across their hands
Their bodies
And the world

Now, I realize that death and plague
Are cheaper
Than paper towels
But couldn't you consider
Bucking this awful trend?

Please?

Please?

I beg of you

Oh, and you're out of soap

Now, if you'll excuse me
I need to go home
And bleach myself

It's my Monday night thing

I'd shake your hand
But I'm not a murderer

Bye now!