Gwyneth Paltrow Tries to Say Something That Isn't Obnoxious

Oh gee, oh goodness

Well, this is certainly a challenge, isn't it?

Hahaha, ohhh my...aren't I like Annie Hall?

How I'm just so breezy and self-aware
Of the fact that it's difficult
For me to say something
That isn't totally obnoxious?

It's not obnoxious to bring up the fact
That it's difficult for you
To say something that isn't obnoxious, is it?

That's sort of like a paradox, isn't it?

You know, I studied paradoxes briefly at Oxford
After I was encouraged to do so
By Stephen Hawking
Who used to come over
And play Monopoly with Mother and Father and Francis Ford Coppola and I

Oh, Francis and Stephen are dear, dear family friends

Ah yes, but back to the task at hand!

I have to hurry up and say something
That isn't obnoxious
Before Bobo and Kipper come over
To enjoy a small dinner I've prepared

Stuffed quail eggs with an aged wine vinagrette
And a small side of something that you've never heard of
Because you're not rich
And you can only make it
Using ingredients you buy
At an Asian market in London
Once every two years

Bobo and Kipper?

Oh, those are just my pet names
For the Clintons

They're dear, dear family friends

They do so enjoy my stuffed quail eggs

Kipper even shared the recipe
With Scooby, who laughed and laughed
Because, of course, I'd fed the same thing to him and Pooh Bear
Just two weeks before
When we were all vacationing
On a small island in the Pacific
At a basket-weaving and money-shredding retreat

It's something we do
When we want to get back
In touch with ourselves

Scooby and Pooh Bear?

Oh, well, I really don't like to drop names
Especially not the names
Of Taylor Swift and Larry Hagman
But--oh dear!

It appears they've been dropped

Say, would anybody care to hear me sing?

I just happen to have a copy
Of one of the eleven albums I produced
That nobody wanted to listen to
Despite me having orphaned children deliver them door-to-door
To everybody in America

Oh, and did I mention I was on Glee?

I sang a rather risque song
And played a character not at all like me

Aren't I current
And yet approachable?

Hahaha

I'm sorry, what were you doing here again?

Ah, well
Who can be bothered?

I have to start the quail eggs

I heard a rumor
That Salman Rushdie might stop by later
For a game of Risk
And campfire tales

Salman's a dear, dear friend
And I think he might be a Muslim

Aren't I multi-cultural?

That should be a topic for my next blog

Speaking of which, I'm putting out a book of campfire tales
That I just happen to have a copy of here

I remember when my noble, immeasurably talented, some-would-say-acting-royalty--Mother and Father
Would put me on their laps and tell me fearsome tales of--

Wait, where are you going?

Oh, please beware the tulips!

They're prize-winning!