You Must Be The Wolf

Close the door, would you?

It’s all right

You can close it

Wouldn’t want some pesky woodsman coming in

And interrupting the evening’s events

Would we?

Go ahead

Close it

Excellent

Would you like something to drink?

I have cider

Grog

And some cocoa my grandmother made for me

Right before she—

Well

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves

Shall we?

Why don’t you have a seat?

You’re not in any rush, are you?

Oh, I’m sure you’re probably a bit hungry

But we can take care of that

I have some bacon there for you on the table

You can help yourself

The bacon’s fresh

I just slaughtered the pigs this morning

The first one I caught

By setting the house on fire

As soon as the straw started smoking

He ran right outside

And into my arms

…And my axe

The second one had a fire extinguisher

So I used tear gas

And that did the trick

He went wee wee wee

All the way into the frying pan

The last one required a little acting on my part

I put on my shortest red skirt

And my prettiest red cloak

And the red lipstick

That I bought from Lucy

The village milkmaid

And a little plastic pig snout

I bought at Ye Old Costume Shop

I knocked on the door

And I pouted my lips

And I asked if I could—

Pweez Pweez Pweez come inside

I’m afwaid the Biggg Baaad Wolf

Is going to eat me up…

Worked like a charm

He may have been a pig

But he was also a man

And to me

It’s one and the same

I know what men respond to

Sex

Food

And money

And I’m about to offer you

An awful lot of one of those

You see, my grandmother was worth quite a bit of cash

And I say ‘was’ because, unfortunately

She seems to have disappeared

It’s possible that she’s buried in the garden out back

By the beanstalk

But who can say?

Her nightgown’s lying in bed

And it does have a bit of blood on it

But I suppose that could be

From some wild animal

Breaking in here and eating her

Like I said to that little pig

---There’s a wolf on the loose

As you can imagine

I’d be heartbroken

If anything happened

To my poor little old granny

Plus, just think how it would look

If she died while I was away from home

Visiting with her

Especially when you consider the fact

That alllllll her money has gone missing

What a shame

You know, she was planning on leaving all her money

To charity?

Hahaha isn’t that sweet?

Too bad it looks like it’s not going to happen

Gosh, what a scene this is

Blood, missing money—and granny’s youngest relative

Sitting right in the kitchen

In front of a carnivorous wild animal

Eating a plate of bacon

Well, some people might consider this

To be downright suspicious

But, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation

Like maybe I was visiting grandmother

And we were having a lovely time

Eating a nice breakfast of bacon

And juice or something

And in through the door

Stormed a Big Bad Wolf

Who proceeded to eat up Grandmother

Right in her bed

Ripping her nightgown to pieces

All the while I was cowering in fear

Totally in shock

So as soon as the Wolf

Was done with Grandmother

He walked over to me

And popped me in his mouth

Like a tic tac

Then he grabbed all the money in the house

So he could go buy himself

Oh, I don’t know

Some more of the bacon

Like the kind sitting in the fridge

Or a ham sandwich

Or a whole pig farm

Then he high-tailed it out of there

Never to be heard from again

Now, that sounds like quite a story, doesn’t it?

But believable

A story people will want to talk about

For a long, long time

Nobody wants to talk about

An ungrateful little girl

Axing her grandmother

When she finds out

That her inheritance is going

To the Help Homeless Dwarves Fund

Now do they?

So here’s what I’m thinking

You finish up that bacon

Then help yourself to the rest in the fridge

Then when you’re done

You can go out in the backyard

And dig up Granny for desert

Don’t worry

I found some Tupperware to put her in

So she’s nice and fresh

And lying right next to her

Is twenty percent

Of all the cash I found in the house

Plenty of money to start that pig farm

While you’re digging

I’ll be on my way to Bermuda

By the time somebody stumbles upon this house

You can be halfway to somewhere even nicer

Like Hawaii or Narnia or something

So what do you say, Mr. Wolf?

Feel like helping a poor wittle girl

Make all her dweams come twue?

Aw, look at you scratching the hair

On your chinny chin chin

I think you like this idea

Now

Let me go find you

A shovel