Patty?
Patty.
It’s Mark
Mark, your brother
What’s your pizza boy named Mark or something?
Listen, we got a big problem here
It’s about Mom
No, she didn’t fall down the stairs or nothing
I don’t need to put up a baby gate
She’s not a friggin’ poodle
Would you knock it off
About the stairs?
We got a real family crisis here!
It’s her belly button
She got it pierced
PIERCED!
She comes home the other day
While I’m selling my old video games
On eBay
And I say—
‘Where you been?’
And she says—
‘None of your friggin’ business’
And I say—
‘Where you been, old woman?’
You know, more insistent like
Because I know she’s been up to no good
And she says—
‘I got my belly button pierced.’
Just like that
Like it was nothing
Like she went out
And got her hair permed
A belly button piercing!
Patty, you know who has those?
Sorority sluts
Hookers
Bisexual bartenders
And our mother!
I should know
I’ve banged two out of the four
Ay, don’t worry about what I do
You got a mother
Who thinks she’s a Kardashian
You gotta talk to her
You gotta tell her to take that thing out
I can’t do it!
This is a woman thing!
She probably got it because she’s going through menoclaws
And her hormones are all jacked up
And now she’s going to sell the house
And start teaching yoga in the basement
Then where the hell am I supposed to live?
Yeah, I asked her why she got it
But she wouldn’t give me a straight answer
She said she’s always wanted a belly button ring
And she doesn’t see why she can’t have one now
Just because she’s a little bit older
And nobody’s going to see it but her
And her three boyfriends
You see what I have to live with?!?!
I can’t move out!
I’m saving up
To patent my self-tattoo kit!
Well fine, then let her walk around like that
Feeling all free and liberated
But let me tell you something
When she gets tackled at the airport
For setting off the metal detector
I don’t want to hear nothing!
Oh, I’m glad you’re laughing, Patty
I’m glad one of us thinks it’s funny
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