Revising America

You know something?

I’ve been thinking about home-schooling my kids

No really, I have

It’s all because of that revisionist history
They’re teaching in school nowadays

I don’t want my kids
Learning things that ain’t true

It’s bad enough the other day they came home
Saying Jesus was a monkey
And the Easter Bunny ain’t real

What kind of education is that?

I’m going to tell you something
There is a war going on
Right now
In our classrooms
And it is a war
Against America

They are trying to revise our history!

They’re trying to say that we stole America from the Indians

Well, here’s my question:

If we stole America from the Indians
How come they taught Christopher Columbus
To make turkey on Thanksgiving?

How come they let Pocahontas
Marry Ichabod Crane?

How come they helped us burn all those Salem witches
When we found out they were hiding amongst us?

Can you answer me that?

Pretty soon they’re going to be saying
That we didn’t win the Civil War against France
Or that we didn’t invent macaroni
Or that Lewis N. Clark was two separate people

Leave it up to those liberals
To make everything
About them

I bet they’re going to say Obama discovered Hawaii
When everybody knows that Ben Franklin discovered it
After his kite landed there

After this year, I’m just going to have little Newt
Sit home and watch Fox News all day

He’ll probably learn more from that
Then he will in school

Plus, I can teach him all that other stuff

How to fold the flag properly
How to load and fire a gun in under a minute
How to tell if a woman’s a feminist
By the way she orders a salad

Important stuff

Computers?

Lord no!

Computers are the devil!

Computers, television, and that wizard boy
That lives in England
And doesn’t go to church

Well, how CAN he go to church?
They don’t have church in England
That’s why the Catholics left there
And moved to Boston
And threw all that tea in the ocean
Because all they drink in England is tea
And that’s why they have no churches
And that’s why there was the Boston Tea Party

Because the pilgrims were saying—

‘Tea makes you hate Jesus!’

That’s why I only drink beer and coke with beer in it

Those are American drinks

I see you didn’t learn nothing in school either

Boy, we really are in trouble, aren’t we?