Look at Him Cross the Street

Okay, turn slowly
Turn slowly, okay?

Slowly

Pretend you're stretching
In that weird way
That nobody actually stretches

And look at--

That

Look at him cross the street

No looking from side to side
No checking for oncoming traffic
No using the crosswalk

It's as if he's saying--

'You know who uses the crosswalk?  Losers, that's who.'

That's a man, right there
That is a certifiable M-A-N

You can just hear the music in his head

Some seventies song
Like 'Come and Get Your Love'
Or Barry White
Or 'Rock the Boat'

Something you'd make out to
While laying on an orange shag carpet
As the smell of incense engulfs you

That man is from another time

A time of free love
And ridiculous hair
And men four necklaces
Without a hint or shame or irony

I am in love with this man

I would date him
Simply to make him pick me up at work
So I could wait for him on the corner
While he crosses the street
Landing on the other side
Like an explorer
Discovering a new world

Like Neil Armstrong
Or Christopher Columbus
Or the guy who discovered Teflon

This man is my man

He will make love
Quickly, quietly, and ferociously
Bringing me to levels of pleasure
I've only previously achieved
By watching Colin Farrell movies

This is my soulmate

He is a GQ man
He is an Esquire man
He is a Details man

--Which means he might be gay

But that's all right!

Either way, I'll take him

I'll take all of him

And when I--

Okay

Well, I couldn't see her
Behind that one hundred and forty pound man

That must be the biggest problem
With being so skinny
You disappear
When you turn sideways

Ah, they're kissing
They're in love
They're happy

How wonderful

And there they go
Crossing the street

Hahaha ah love

And, like him
She doesn't check before crossing the street either

Well then
I don't feel so bad
About wishing
A car would hit them

By the way, is it just me
Or does that homeless man
Have just the tiniest bit of--

--Allure?