The First Friggin' Day of School

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

You're gonna be late

For your first day of school!

You know who was late for THEIR first day of school?

Your Uncle Jimmy

Where is he now?

Dead, Benny

He died two years ago from a clogged artery

And thirty-seven years ago

He was late for his first day of fifth grade

Those are the facts, Benny

Listen to your  mother

That kid's gonna put me in an early grave

Next to my brother Jimmy

And who the frig wants to hear

His mouth again?

I stayed up all night

Doing Benny's summer reading packet

And let me tell you something

People who write books

Hate children

I would have written that in the packet

But if Benny stays back a year

I may as well tattoo the words 'never getting married'

Right onto his forehead

They make these books so big

You can't read them unless that's all you do

All summer long

Who wants to spend a whole summer

Reading Tom Sawyer?

He paints a fence

It's not exactly a page-turner

Then I had to go to the store yesterday

And buy a nice folder

To put the packet in

And folders are six dollars a piece

SIX FRIGGIN' DOLLARS

You know what a folder is?

It's two pieces of paper

Glued together

Take two pieces of paper

Glue 'em together

Put a six-dollar price tag on it

Bing bang boom--you got a folder

Why?

Because they know we need folders

The school supplies people wait until September

And then start charging forty-two dollars for pencil sharpeners

They should shoot people who charge that much for school supplies

This is America

If a staple remover costs eight ninety-nine

It means something ain't right

And somebody should be shot

BENNYYYYYYYY!

If I burn these pancakes, you're still eating them!

I don't believe in wasting food, Benny!

That's why I buy everything canned!

You know, I always get choked up

When that little friggin' monster goes to school every year

He keeps getting older and older

And I keep praying to God to make him age backwards

Like when Brad Pitt played that raisin

In that movie I fell asleep in the middle of

I want Benny to that sweet little baby again

Who couldn't talk or move

Or leave his jacket at his friend's housebennyyoubetTERGETTHATJACKETBACKSOHELPMEGOD!

One day I'll be driving him to college

And then I'll drive home

And throw myself off a cliff

Because what'll be the point of living

If I can't keep packing those little lunch boxes

And ironing those little shirts?

I'm a mother

That's all I know how to do

Stay up all night doing summer reading packets

And making pancakes right out of the box from scratch

And does he appreciate it?

No

Do I care?

Not a bit

That friggin' kid

...What the hell am I going to do until next summer when he's home everyday again?

Any ideas?