This Neighborhood's Too Nice for Us

Um...okay, so...

This place is really nice
Like really nice
I mean, like, way nicer
Than what we thought we were going to get
For twelve hundred a month

We were expecting like
A roach-infested
Run-down
Dilapidated
Like, former crack house
Kind of thing

This is, like, really pretty
And there's new lighting fixtures
And there's plenty of parking
And the neighborhood looks like it's relatively safe

I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work for us

See, I don't know if you noticed this
But...we're hipsters

So it's kind of crucial
That we live in the worst neighborhood possible
In like, a really awful house
Or a gross apartment
With terrible people below
Or above us, and like--
A really mean landlord
Who doesn't understand both us
And our generation

You seem really friendly
And I notice in the rental agreement
That you're cool with parties
And I also noticed that you have a tattoo on your arm
And you mentioned playing guitar
So I just don't think this is going to work out

It's really important to us
That we feel a sense of, like, oppression
For our art and stuff

I'm a fortune cookie writer
And my boy Winchester is a dynamic gymnast
And my girl is a water polo instructor

The last place we lived in was scary
Our place got broken into like--five times
They probably would have stolen stuff too
But we don't technically own anything
Aside from our boxed Faulkner collection

The last time the burglars left a note saying--

'How do you live like this?'

We kept it and, like, put it on the fridge
Next to the picture I made
Where it looks like I'm standing next to Keanu Reeves
And judging him
Even though it's photo-shopped

So listen, I appreciate you wanting to have us here
I really do

And that balcony overlooking your really well-kept backyard
Would definitely be a great place to relax after a long day

But it's really just not our scene

We're going to go look at a place
At this abandoned warehouse
Across the street
From what we hear
Is the second biggest brothel
In the tri-state area

That's, like, way more our style