Love and Other Hobbits

Our relationship lasted
The duration of Lord of the Rings

Like, we met at the first one
We got engaged at the second one
And the whole thing ended two days after we saw
The Return of the King

So now I have this whole
Emotional connection
To that trilogy
That a lot of normal people
Just don't have

One time I went to one of those movie marathons
Where you can sit and see all three in one day
And when I came out of the theater
I looked haunted
Like that guy at the opening
Of Saving Private Ryan
With the war still going on in his eye

It wasn't pretty

But you know, at least time went on
And I moved past the whole thing

I stopped thinking about my ex-boyfriend
And elves and stuff
And I just got on with my life

And then they have to go and make The Hobbit

And I think--

Okay, well
This was inevitable

Those movies made a billion dollars
Of course, they're going to make The Hobbit

But it's pretty small
It's a much smaller story in scale
It'll come out
Get a lot of attention
And then it'll go away
Just like all the other movies
And I'll be fine

Then they say they're going to make it two movies
And I'm like, Okay, so two years
Even though there's not really enough story
For two movies
But whatever
They want to make money
I get it
I'll be an emotional basketcase
For two Christmases
Fine

Then they announce
That there's going to be three movies

THREE movies

With new material
Written by Peter Jackson
Who, I mean, is a genius
But--writing new material?

Imagine some guy making Hamlet
And being like--
But just so you know
I'm adding new material

And yet somehow
It's okay
And yet somehow
Even though three books
All fit nicely into three movies
One book simply can't fit
Into one or two little movies
Oh no, they need THREE movies

So now, for three years
I'm going to be a mess
Because every time I see a hobbit
I burst into tears

I mean, what IS that?

...And of course...

My ex-boyfriend texts me
And is like--Hey, we should go see The Hobbit together
That'll be fun

And I guess he means it'll be fun
Like giving yourself a forehead tattoo will be fun
Because I can't see how it would be
At all enjoyable
Even a little bit

...But I was like, Yeah, sure, why not?

Because, you know
There are people you do things with
Certain things, and--

He was my Hobbit guy, you know?
That was our thing

So why not?

I doubt I'll fall in love with him again
And even if I do...

I've got three whole movies
To figure it all out