Saturday, October 26, 2013

Samuel L. Jackson Explains Nuclear Fission to Otto Hahn

     (SAMUEL L. JACKSON is sitting at a table in an interrogation room.  OTTO HAHN is brought in by two guards with a cloth bag over his head.  When the GUARDS shove him into his seat, one removes the cloth bag, and they BOTH exit the room closing the door behind them.)

SAMUEL:  Hello Otto.

OTTO:  You son-of-a-bitch.

SAMUEL:  I wouldn't go talking if I were you.  I'd just sit there and listen.

OTTO:  Are you going to kill me?

SAMUEL:  That depends on you.  You wanna die?

OTTO:  No.

SAMUEL:  Then you'll be just fine.  People who want to live tend to behave better than those who don't.  At least in my experience.

OTTO:  What do you want?

SAMUEL:  I'm going to explain nuclear fission to you, Otto.  And if I get it right, I want you to say 'That's right' and if I've got it wrong, I need you to help me get it right.  You got that?

OTTO:  What do you need with nuclear fission?

SAMUEL:  Now why would you want to concern yourself with unnecessary information?  Or as we in the business like to call it--shit that'll get you killed.

OTTO:  Are you trying to take over Bolivia again?

SAMUEL:  Again?  Motherfucker, if I wanted to take over Bolivia it would only take me one try.

OTTO:  This is a joke.  You don't know anything about nuclear fission.

SAMUEL:  Oh I don't?  Then how would I know that it's either a nuclear reaction or a radioactive decay process in which the nucleus of a particle splits into smaller parts?

OTTO:  You looked that up on Wikipedia.

SAMUEL:  I'll Wiki your dick if you're not careful, motherfucker.

OTTO:  What does that even mean?

SAMUEL:  Don't worry about it.

OTTO:  It sounds gay.

SAMUEL:  I SAID NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT!

     (A beat.)

OTTO:  What else do you know?

SAMUEL:  I know what Fritz told me.

OTTO:  Fritz Strassman?  You got to him?

SAMUEL:  He sang like a canary taking a shit on Christmas.

OTTO:  I don't--okay.

SAMUEL:  Told me about the photons.  The protons.  The Motowns.  The Deftones.  The ringtones.  The Home Alone's.

OTTO:  You know, for a second, I actually started to worry that you were capable of doing real damage with the knowledge I could give you.

SAMUEL:  Bitch, I know about nuclear transmutation.

OTTO:  That's not going to get you anywhere.

SAMUEL:  I think it will, Otto.  I think it will.

OTTO:  You need me to connect the dots.  Put the pieces together.  All you have is a lot of puzzle pieces that you can't put together.

SAMUEL:  That's why you're here.

OTTO:  It won't work.  It would take me years to teach you what I know.  Months even!

SAMUEL:  Months is less than years.

OTTO:  Yeah, I know, I thought about it, and 'years' seemed like a stretch.

SAMUEL:  I got all the time in the world, Otto.

OTTO:  And what are you going to do with me once I'm done helping you.

SAMUEL:  You'll be released.

OTTO:  A likely story.

SAMUEL:  As soon as you're finished watching every movie I've ever been in.

     (A pause.)

OTTO:  What?

SAMUEL:  Gotta keep you in line, Otto.  Gotta remind you who's boss.  Besides, I think it's about time you started appreciating my acting prowess.

OTTO:  But I won't live long enough to watch all those movies.  And even if I did--you want me to watch The Spirit?  Jumper?  Resurrecting the Champ?

SAMUEL:  It'll be over before you--

OTTO:  Kill me.

SAMUEL:  What?

OTTO:  You heard me.

SAMUEL:  Otto, think about what you're saying.

OTTO:  I'd rather die than watch Freedomland.  Kill me.

SAMUEL:  Otto--

OTTO:  Fine.  I'll tell you about nuclear fission.  I'll tell you anything you want to know.  Just please don't make me watch that XXX sequel.

SAMUEL:  This is--

OTTO:  Getting Ice Cube to replace Vin Diesel?  What were you thinking?

SAMUEL:  I didn't cast the damn--Hey, shut up!

OTTO:  Get me a pen and paper.  I'll write down everything you need to know.

SAMUEL:  Well, that was...easy.  I'll be right back.

     (He starts to leave.)

SAMUEL:  Oh, but while I'm gone, someone's going to take you into the viewing room and show you Coach Carter and S.W.A.T.

OTTO:  What?!?

SAMUEL:  A little double feature.

OTTO:  No!

SAMUEL:  See you on the flip side, Otto.

OTTO:  No!

     (SAMUEL leaves.)

OTTO:  Nooooooooo!

     (The lights go out.)

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