(GOD and KANYE are at a karaoke bar. The Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" is playing.)
KANYE: Women, you know?
GOD: Yeah.
KANYE: Women.
GOD: Yup.
KANYE: Boy...you really fucked that up.
GOD: What?
KANYE: Women.
GOD: Right.
KANYE: Yeeeeeeeah.
GOD: I fucked them up?
KANYE: You fucked them up BAD.
GOD: How do you figure?
KANYE: Have you ever met a woman?
GOD: Many.
KANYE: Crazy, right?
GOD: Not all of them. And some men--
KANYE: I got this woman--
GOD: You mean--
KANYE: I'm not naming names. I'm just saying I have a woman.
GOD: Kim.
KANYE: We can call her Kim.
GOD: You are talking about Kim, right?
KANYE: I could be talking about a lot of people.
GOD: But you're talking about Kim.
KANYE: So let's say this woman--
GOD: Kim.
KANYE: --Whatever--let's say she's crazy.
GOD: You can say she's crazy. I'll go along with that.
KANYE: She makes sex tapes, she gets married for a couple of hours and then divorced, she has, like, seven television shows--
GOD: Right.
KANYE: And then one day she texts you. Says 'What's up?' You say 'Nm u?' She says 'Bored.' You say 'Cool.' She says 'Wanna come by?' You say 'K.' Next thing you know, you have a baby and you're married to her. Tell me that's not fucked up.
GOD: Did other stuff happen in between you saying 'K' and the two of you having a kid?
KANYE: God, I don't need to explain the birds and the bees to you, do I?
GOD: No, I invented both the birds and the bees.
KANYE: Exactly. I'm just trying to explain women to you.
GOD: Right.
KANYE: See, she trapped me.
GOD: How do you figure?
KANYE: She tricked me into having a baby!
GOD: How did she do that? I mean, when you got to her house, was there a hole in the front yard covered up by leaves? Did you fall into it only to find yourself stuck in a pit with her, both your legs broken, so that you were at her mercy? So that she could then subdue you, undress you, and then take you like some sort of concubine? And after that was all over and she had been impregnated, what made you feel you HAD to marry her? Was there blackmail involved? Did she know something about you that you'd rather other people not find out? Like, for example, that you actually enjoy the company of men or that your genitalia is unnaturally small? Is that how that went?
(A beat.)
KANYE: Yeah, none of that happened.
GOD: So the word 'trick'--
KANYE: God--
GOD: When you say she 'tricked' you--
KANYE: Listen, I'm a man, okay? I have desires. I have urges. And when I have those urges, I'm weak. She caught me at a weak moment.
GOD: You were watching Nurse Jackie, weren't you?
KANYE: How do you know I get turned on by Edie Falco?
GOD: Why do you still try to hide things from me, Kanye? You know I don't buy into your bullshit. I'm not the music critic from Rolling Stone.
KANYE: Can't you see I'm wrestling demons.
GOD: Are you talking about your in-laws?
KANYE: They won't stop until I do a Kim and Kanye Show. Ryan Seacrest is at my house every night. EVERY NIGHT. That man is charming as fuck, Lord. He must be sent from the Devil.
GOD: He is.
KANYE: Really?
GOD: No, I'm just screwing with you.
KANYE: You can't be doing that to me, God! I'm all twisted inside. I gotta go on my mother-in-law's talk show this afternoon and do a cooking segment with her about how to make your own baby food.
GOD: Why don't you just say 'No?'
KANYE: I try to, but then Kim uses her feminine wiles on me--
GOD: She puts on the nurse costume?
KANYE: And she starts talking with that Jersey accent like Carmela Soprano. It's too much.
GOD: Kanye, did it ever occur to you that I didn't make women crazy, I just made men easy to manipulate?
KANYE: Why would you do that?
GOD: I don't know. Maybe because I'm a woman?
(KANYE looks at GOD for a second.)
KANYE: No, you're not.
GOD: I could be.
KANYE: But you're not.
GOD: But I might be.
KANYE: Are you screwing with me again?
GOD: I don't know. Am I?
KANYE: Man, you're just crazy.
GOD: So then, according to your theory, wouldn't I be a woman?
(A pause.)
KANYE: Whoaaaa...
GOD: Finish your drink.
KANYE: I--
GOD: Come on, we're going to be up soon. I put in 'Little Red Corvette.' You know that one, right?
KANYE: Yeah, I know it.
GOD: Good.
KANYE: So God could be a woman?
GOD: I could be.
KANYE: Wow.
(A short pause. KANYE looks at GOD, smiles.)
KANYE: So what's up?
(The opening words of 'Little Red Corvette' begin to play.)
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