You know, I was the first locavore
It's true
I only eat things
That have been grown
Directly in front of my face
I'm currently looking at three tomatoes
Resting mere feet from my self-dug koi pond
Waiting for just the right moment
To strike
You know, you can make those ironic sunglasses you're wearing
Using the bottoms of a few plastic cups
After you've done playing beer pong with them
Does anyone else want a canape?
If you'll notice--
My serving tray
Has been made
By recycling an old vinyl copy
Of Huey Lewis and the News: Live in Detroit
They were so gauche
They were posh
Am I right?
Oh, and that Huey...
Dear me, it's almost four pm
We were supposed to be making our 'Fight the Power'
Origami t-shirts by now!
Have you ever worn carefully folded paper, kids?
It's an exhilarating feeling
After we're done with that
We can put sarcastic sayings on baseball hats
Using these stencils I've made
All sarcastic sayings look better
When done in the proper Arial font
Ah, you hipsters remind me of when I was young
Sticking it to the man
Making love to strangers
Frosting cake using a spoon
Instead of a pastry bag
Those were wild times
Thank goodness you all came over
To protest me dumping all those lace doilies
That didn't turn out right
Into the harbor
Although to be fair
You were only there
Because you were all throwing up into the harbor
After drinking too much at that Radiohead cover band concert
Vomit or lace--which do you think the ocean prefers, children?
Well, don't worry about it now
We've all made friends
And now we're going to take our herbal cigarettes
And turn them into potpourri holders
Now, doesn't that sound like fun?
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