The F**king Wedding Birds

Missy, do not tell me not to swear
I am your mother
I am twice your age
I have earned the right to swear
And swear at will

Now what is this fucking man doing?

Releasing the doves?

I paid good fucking money for those doves!

What was the point of getting doves for the wedding
If the fucking doves get RELEASED?

They stay in the area?

How does that work?

Do we negotiate that with them
Before we open the door to the cage?

Have we injected them with something
That makes them too heavy to fly?

This is all very fucking upsetting to me, Missy

And what are those peacocks doing
Walking around
Shitting on the white carpet
We're all going to be walking down in an hour?

They add atmosphere?

The fucking doves weren't enough atmosphere for you?

You needed to throw in some peacock shit?

Why didn't we just fly in some Brazilian cows
To take a shit right on the altar
During the ceremony?

I'm going to tell you something else too

I haven't seen one fucking swan
Swimming around that pond
Since we put them in there yesterday

I think they all drowned

That is a freshwater pond
And I think those were saltwater swans

I told you we should have only put one in at first
And if it didn't die
Then we could put in more
But you wanted to put in all fucking five of them at once
So they'd get used to it
In time for the ceremony

You better hope they don't start bobbing up
With their little legs sticking out of the water
Or we're going to be arrested

Your aunt is a veternarian
And she sees someone abusing animals
She has to make a veternarian arrest
It's part of her code or something

What?

Flew away?

Swans can fly too?

WHY DIDN'T WE GET OSTRICHES?
AT LEAST THEY DON'T FUCKING FLY!

I PAID TO RELEASE ANIMALS INTO THE WILD
I'M LIKE THE JACK HANNAH OF WEST WARWICK!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, sweetie

I know this is your special day

My mother drove me fucking nuts
On my wedding day too

I promise, no more complaining

From now on, I'm going to be the quiet
Lovely mother-of-the-bride

Scout's honor

...Uh, Missy...is that a flamingo?

Mother of...