The Pancake Story

-- When I was a kid, I realized early on that I wasn't all that attractive. I also remember realizing that I would need to cultivate something else in life that would draw people to me, since good looks wasn't going to do it. So I learned to be funny. I'm mildly amusing now, but I can promise you that I was at my funniest when I was about eight. As time went on, I learned not to care so much about how I looked, and as a result, I'm not as concerned about being funny, but it still lingers in my mind. I think most of us have developed our personalities based on why we think we'd get invited to a party. One of us is the comedian, one of us is the eye candy, one of us brings the booze, etc. I wanted to write something about a person working hard at being liked--actually WORKING at it. Here's what I came up with. --

"He's Hard at Work"

He's gotta tell the pancake story
Maybe if he tells the pancake story
She'll start to laugh

He knew this was going to be uphill
From the second he sat down

She wasn't going to give up a smile
He was going to have to earn it

Normally he waits on the pancake story
Because once it's out, it's out
And your ace is exposed

From there on in, all you can do is ride it out
And hope it's enough to let you coast

He needs another pancake story
His friend Jim has about nineteen stories like that

No wonder the guy has a new girl every week
By the time he's on his third story
They're ready to marry him

But all he's got is the pancake story

All his questions are getting one-word answers

'Good'
'Fine'
'Yeah'
'Yup'
'Uh...'

He starts to sweat

He thinks he sees her look down at her watch
But he could be imagining it

Ten minutes into the date
And she's looking at her watch

And she already had her coffee when he walked in
She could cut this date short at any time

Say she has somewhere to be

He has to at least get to a dinner
To a second date
A longer engagement

He does better in the long-form

These little mini-dates are awful

Who came up with them?

Oh sure, it's great if you're the hot one

If you're the hot one
Then you get the chance to size someone up in a half hour
And avoid a miserable two-hour date
With somebody you're not attracted to

But if you're someone like him
And you count on that two-hour date
To try and win over someone
You're screwed

Because now you have to pass the entrance exam
And the entrance exam is a killer

He tries the story about his Mom
It's good
It's not the pancake story
But it's good

It gets nothing

NOTHING

Dead on arrival

He feels like a stand-up comic
With an audience of one
And he's bombing
He's bombing

Then there's the sweat
And the slight stutter
And his breath seems to instantly go bad
So he's trying to keep it
From reaching her

He avoids using words with plosives in them

His hands go clammy
A bit of his hair starts to stick up in the back
He looks down at his shoes
And realizes they're scuffed

And inside his mind he's telling himself--

Fix this
Fix this
Turn this around

He tells the prom joke
He gets a giggle

Okay, that's something
That's not nothing
That's a giggle

That can be built upon

She talks a little about her prom

Oh my God, she's telling a story
He's got a story out of her

He can use the time to think of something to say when she's done

He'd love to listen
But when you're working
You can't sit back and enjoy the experience
You gotta stay one step ahead of the game
Or she finishes the story
And you're just sitting there nodding like an idiot
Going 'Mmmm...yeah, you're right.'

She finishes her prom story
And he comes right back with a story about the night at the club
With Jim and some of his friends

It's a risky story, because you have to be a little edgy to like it
There's swearing and drinking and bad boy behavior

But if a girl likes that story, she LOVES it
It's all or nothing
And it's all he's got aside from the pancake story
And she hates this one
He's going to have to tell the pancake story anyway
So he might as well--

She likes it!

YES!

She laughs, she's relaxing
She crosses her legs and leans back in her chair
She looks behind her, but that's okay
She's checking the line to see if she could get another coffee
And not leave him for too long

This--is--GOOD

Should he try to banter a little more?
Maybe even save the pancake story for the second date?
Maybe the third?
Maybe he might never need the pancake story again?
Maybe this one will like him without it?

Wouldn't that be...Wow.

But then the banter goes dry
She looks down, a definite time check
She gets up and throws her empty coffee cup out
And pauses for a second before she sits down again
As if to give him an opportunity to stand as well
And says good-bye

Okay, pancake time

"Hey, what you said before got me thinking--"

What she said had nothing to do with pancakes
But once she hears the story, it won't matter

'--I made pancakes this one time..."

. . . . .

They make a second date for that Tuesday
And she seems mildly excited about it

He's a good guy

He's not hot
He's not charming
He's not rich
He's not a 'bad boy' like Jim is
Despite the Jim story
And his involvement in it

He's just a good guy

And that along with the pancake story
Will get him a second date

He knows that she'll give him at least that
Because otherwise she has to admit to herself
That she's letting go of a good guy
Just because he isn't any of the things
She's not supposed to want

So he gets a two-hour try-out
And a few days to prep for it

They'll go to a nice restaurant
He'll pay, he'll hold the door
He'll compliment her
And keep on being the good guy
She ultimately won't want

And he wishes he could do something else
Figure out a new game plan
Maybe act like an asshole
And see if that gets anywhere

(It would, actually--sad to say, and he doesn't know it (good thing)--but it would)

But he'll end up staying who he is
And working
Working hard

Hoping that someday
He'll be able to put away his ace
And listen to somebody else
Tell him their story