Riding in Cars with Spies

The thing you have to know, Scotty
Is that I would never, intentionally
Assassinate anybody

Sometimes, when you're on a mission
Things happen
Things come up
That you didn't foresee
When you--

JESUS, THAT CROSSING GUARD
IS OUT OF HER MIND

I'm sorry, I have to pull up
I have to
Scotty--I'm sorry
I know you're embarrassed
But I'm not dropping you off two blocks away
Just so the CROSSING GUARD
Can keep the entire street in front of your school
Holy and pure for the sacred school buses

I'M DROPPING OFF MY SON
THIS IS HIS SCHOOL
STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK
YOU PIECE OF--

Sorry, sorry
God, I want to kill her
Not that I would
Not unless I was given the directive too

Otherwise there's this stack of paperwork you have to fill out
And then you have to go in front of the--

Anyway, point being
What you saw on the news today
Involved me, yes
It involved me
But it's not like I personally
Took out the Grand High Chancellor
It's a lot more complicated than that, Scotty, it--

Stacey, stop hitting your brother
Your brother and I are having a very, very serious conversation
That I will also be having with you one day
When you're old enough to understand political intrigue
And the moral ambiguities
Of murder for the greater good

So please, stop putting your finger up his nose
This is international espionage, okay, Stacey?
And your finger up your brother's nose
Is really undermining the--

WELL HERE COME THE DAMN SCHOOL BUSES!
OF COURSE
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF COURSE

Kids, Mommy's tired, okay?
Mommy's really tired
Because she had to catch a red eye
From Bulgaria
And she still has blood on her shoes
Her new shoes
That she bought in Paris
And that she would normally never wear to an assassination
If she knew ahead of time
That there was going to be assassination
But she didn't, so--

Scotty, stop writing all this down
I know you're doing that journaling project
But this cannot go in your journal
It's not that I want you to lie
I just want you to omit

Talk about how Mommy's tired today
Because she was traveling for work
Because I was
Just leave out the part about the homicide

Talk about how I made you breakfast this morning
Talk about the Pop Tarts
And the fruit roll-up
That'll be nice
It'll humanize Mommy

YES, I'M PULLING UP BEHIND THE BUS
BUT I WILL LEAVE PLENTY OF ROOM
BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE--

I'm rolling down the window
Scotty, I warned her
I warned her if she kept antagonizing me
We were going to have it out
And now--

I'M ROLLING DOWN MY WINDOW

Stacey, put down Mommy's bayonet
I forgot to put that away
But what are the rules about weapons?

Don't touch
Unless you see a foreign operative
In the backyard
Like last Fourth of July
When Mommy had the fatwa
Put on her head

Okay Scotty, have a good day
Mommy loves you
Don't forget your lunch
And remember--

You don't watch the news
Nobody in your family watches the news
We don't believe in the news

Love you!

YES, HE'S GETTING OUT!
I KILLED A MAN LAST NIGHT
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEXT YOU--

Okay, driving away now

Driving away