The Other Side of the Ouija Board

Hello, Operator?
This is Soul 38394975767230983485674

I'd like to contact a Marjorie Dilson
She's at a seance right now
Well, it's a Halloween party
But they're doing the seance as sort of a kitschy--

Oh, sorry, yes
Ouija Board

Relationship to Contact?
She's my daughter

No previous contact
Has been made
Up until this point

Unless you count the time
I...No, never mind

No, I don't plan on possessing anyone
I have an appointment in an hour
To get coffee with my great-great grandfather
And he gets ornery if I keep him waiting

Thank you

The message is--

Marjorie, this is your mother
And I just wanted you to know
That you're the reason I threw myself
Off that cliff

It's all your fault
I know at the time
People convinced you
That I was sick or mentally ill or something
But that's not true

I was a perfectly happy, healthy individual
Until you came along
And ruined my life

I also want to let you know
That I hate your husband
I hate your haircut
I never approved of any of your choices
And there's a bag full of money buried somewhere
But I'm not going to tell you where
Because you don't deserve it

I know you're currently in therapy
Because you don't feel our relationship had any closure
And I want to tell you that you might as well quit
Because that therapist isn't doing you any good
No matter what anybody says

You were a horrible person when you started therapy
And now you're a horrible person who feels entitled to be horrible
Because their therapist is telling them they're not that bad
Which, by the way, is what any therapist who isn't an idiot would say

Do you think anybody's going to pay someone
To tell them how awful they are?
That shrink of yours knows where his bread is buttered

If he was at all honest with you
He would tell you that you're a lost cause
And that no dead person in their right mind
Would ever forgive you
For the things you've done

I was just talking with Benjamin Franklin about you
And he agrees that you're probably evil
I hate to throw that word around
But I couldn't think of anything stronger

So no, I don't forgive you
I don't miss you
And if, by some miracle
You are let into Heaven
Please don't come looking for me

...Well, it was nice chatting with you
Enjoy the party
And if you get a chance
Tell your father I knew about Nancy
And that accident with the steak knife
Was no accident

 Ta ta!