This Puppy

Mrs. Maguire, I'd like to sell you this puppy

Now, I know what you're going to say

You already have a dog

But Mrs. Maguire, if you had a nickel
And someone offers you a hundred dollar bill

Do you say--

Oh, sorry, I can't
I already have a nickel
I don't have room for that much more money

No, Mrs. Maguire, you don't say that

Because you can never have too much money
And you can never have too many dogs with an IQ over one sixty
Living in your house at one time

A dog like this puppy
Is the reason I got out of the car business
And went into the pet business

That and the lawsuit, of course

But let's not talk about me
Let's talk about your new puppy

Mrs. Maguire, this puppy is only four years old

Now, I know what you're going to say
Four years old is no puppy
But this one has barely been played with

The woman who had it before
Used to pet it twice a day
Feed it, then put it back in its crate

Look at its paws
They're like pincushions!

Without the pins, of course
I never put pins in a dog's paws

Not like SOME pet shops I could tell you about
That might or might not
Be across the street from my shop

This puppy is efficient, it's clever

Just last week I saw it reading Atlantic Monthly

Plus it's lovable

Oh sure, it bites occasionally
But what dog doesn't?

Besides, it's not like it has any teeth left

And who doesn't love the feeling of a puppy
Gnawing at your face while you sleep

That's love, Mrs. Maguire, in its purest form

What can I say to put this creature in your heart today?

Now, I know you're wondering whether or not
You want to take a chance
On a beautiful, affectionate, James Beard award-winning puppy
Like this one

And all I have to say to that is--

Just last week I sold four puppies just like this one

And three of those owners
Won the lottery the next day

I'm not saying God sent me these dogs, Mrs. Maguire
But I certainly wouldn't want to walk out of this store without one

Plus, if you want
I'll take off that price I shaved into its fur
And shave out another one
On its other side

So what do you say?

Do we have a deal?