Shania and the Snake Charmer

So what is it you do?

A snake charmer?

I've never had a snake charmer hit on me before
At least not at a vegan restaurant

I love that they put a bar in

Just because we don't eat meat
Doesn't mean we don't drink, right?

If anything, I drink more

Lettuce is depressing

Oh, it's a thing

I can't meat

It's, like, toxic or something

Really rare

They wrote about me in some medical journal
And then I had my photo taken next to this doctor
Who looked like Captain Kangaroo

That's all I remember about him

He looked like Captain Kangaroo

Yes, I'm too young to remember Captain Kangaroo
But I'm not too young to not be AWARE of Captain Kangaroo

There are people you should always be AWARE of
Regardless of if you've actually been exposed to them or not

Icons, you know?

Like Lucille Ball

The other day, I was talking to my friend
Who had never seen an episode of any Lucy t.v. show
And she was like, 'So how am I supposed to know who she is?'
And I was like, 'Um, you should still know'

I don't know anything about Grover Cleveland
But I still know he was a President

Awareness, you know

I'm sure you know

So how do you charm the snakes?

Is it a trade secret?

Some trick?

Or is it something you're born with?

Like an X-person

I should let you know
Before you start in
I'm not fucking you
So, let's just embrace that, okay?

I'm not in the mood
And you're ugly as fuck
So no fucking is going to be happening
Which is actually great for you
Because I'm drunk
And tomorrow morning
I'd wake up, look over at you
And probably vomit
On your mattress with no sheets

That's your mattress, right?

No sheets
On the floor
No actual bed

Yup, called it

So where do you do your charming, Charming?

Is there an Bombay boulevard somewhere downtown
That I'm just not aware of?

Some sort of bazaar?

You're unemployed?

Well, clearly

You're a snake charmer

You're a step above a street beggar

You're never actually employed

Huh?

You lost the snake?

Um, correct me if I'm wrong

Isn't keeping an eye on the snake
Sort of the only thing you have to do?

That's like being a mime
And losing your invisible box

What happened?

Was there a hole in the wicker basket?

Did the snake try leaping to freedom
When you took the top off?

Oh...really?

Was it at least sort of hypnotized
When it...um, slithered away?

Because if it was
I don't really see it
Having a good chance of survival
In the wilderness

Plus it'll pee every time
It hears a bell ring, right?

Isn't that how it works?

Oh my God

Is that a flute?

Do you honestly have a flute right now?

I have to tweet that
Like, immediately

Like three days ago I should have tweeted that

'I'm sitting with a snake charmer and he's got a flute'

Can you play it?

I want to take a photo of you playing it
And upload it onto my blog
So I have something to write about
When I get home

Because getting smashed at the vegan restaurant
Is probably only going to get me a few sentences
And I like to do at least a page a day
So my readers have a good-sized morsel
To get them through the work day

And by readers
I mean my sister
And I think she only scans the posts
To see if there's anything about her

Selfish bitch

So many issues there

Let's not get into it

Okay, play the flute

C'mon, don't pussy out on me

You can't bring a flute into a restaurant
And then not play it

There are laws about that in Austria

C'mon!

Okay, yay

Very excited right now

Commence fluting

. . . . .

Um...do you wanna get out of here?

I kinda...

Wow, I mean--

Your play is just--

Wow

Yeah

I think we should go