The Babysitter Called

The babysitter called
The children have taken over Guatemala

They have formed a drug cartel
And they are currently
Holding the President of Mexico captive
On a small island
Off the coast of Brazil

Our six-year-old has taken up gambling
And owes over eight hundred dollars
To the schoolyard hustler
Who bet him that Mrs. McGovern
Was going to give birth in April
Rather than in May

Our four-year-old has learned to swear
And now does it frequently
And with great vigor

She has told the babysitter to 'f' off
To go 'd' herself in the 'p'
And finish it off with a 'jdv'

She escaped from the babysitter
And is now doing stand-up comedy
At the Tickle Tower downtown

Finally, the babysitter informed me
That our one-year-old is now married
To a one-and-a-half-year-old named Chloe
Who he met on eHarmony

They already have matching tattoos
And they both love David Sedaris

The babysitter thinks they'll be very happy together
And she congratulated us on the new addition to our family

Now, that was the eighth time I've called the sitter

If you make me call her again
Or if she calls us
I'll come back and tell you
That the children have formed a singing group
Called 'Ritual Sacrifice'

Tonight is for us
That's why we got the sitter
That's why we're allowed to be grown-ups tonight

That's why we're going to enjoy ourselves

And if the children do a good job of running Guatemala while we're gone
Then I guess everybody wins, don't they?

Cheers