Willa and the Heat

Marjana, I am not going out with him again

I am not

Because he talked about his poop

He did, his poop

He talked about it

Brought it UP, Marjana

Brought IT UP to ME

Uh uh

Not having that in my life, Marjana

Not having it at ALL

Said it was healthy

What do I care that it's healthy?

Nice hair means you're healthy

Why couldn't he talk about his hair?

By God, it's hot

I wouldn't have gone out with him

But I had to get out of my house

Because I can't have a.c.

Because a.c. kills bluebirds

It hurts the environment

They said that on the Fox, Marjana

On the Fox news

They said the scientists are bullshitting about Global Warming

But then they got a breaking bulletin

That all these bluebirds are dying in Vegas

Because they use so much a.c.

Or because God is smiting them

Because it's a town of whores and lies and gambling

God, I'm so hot

I wish I could shove a fan up inside myself

And cool myself down from the inside out

Oh that is not DIRTY, Marjana

What's dirty is that man you set me up

Mr. Poop

He's the dirty one

I wouldn't even shake his hand at the end of the date

Well, a peck on the cheek isn't a handshake, Marjana

His poop doesn't go anywhere near his cheek

At least, I hope not

And you WORK with this man!

You better use that hand cleanser you keep at your desk more often

Because you are working with a feces fetishist

That's a word

That's a WORD, Marjana

Add 'ist' to anything and it's a word

It's how you make words

God, I am sweating like a heifer at a Wendy's

Well, maybe the heifer would be curious, Marjana

It's just an expression

I am sitting here at my kitchen table

Fanning myself with Harper's Bazaar

Legs spread out like I'm ready to receive Jesus

Oh, the heat, Marjana, it is stifling

And every man in this town has gone crazy because of it

Every man I've met in the past three weeks

Have been depraved lunatics or poop lovers

Last week I let Dara Lee set me up with a man named Clint

Nice name, I know? Right

He SPANKED me

On the way into the restaurant

He SPANKED me

Right on the bottom

Like he was trying to get me to cry out after birth or something

Like my behind needed testing

I turned around and I slapped his crotch

Oh, I most certainly did

And let me tell you something

My ass has more bounce in it than his crotch, Marjana

Down he went, like the Titanium

It was a sight

It was a SIGHT to BEHOLD

I don't know who raised him

But there was clearly a lot of abuse

Because he has fetishized violence

Marjana, if you add an 'ized' to it, it's a word

It's a double word

Like a double word score

God, it is too hot to argue with you

My hair is coming down onto my face like wet noodles

Down the outside of a whore's pocketbook

EXPRESSION, MARJANA, EXPRESSION!

Maybe you need to get your head spanked

Maybe I oughta call up Clint for you

Oh dear Lord, screw the bluebirds, I'm turning on the a.c.

They're probably just dying because they're outside where there's no a.c.

And I can't help that

I can't invite all the bluebirds into my house

I just put down new linoleum

No, no, no

No more dates, Marjana!

It's too hot to date

And men get the wrong idea

You take your panties off during dinner

And toss 'em on the table

Because your stomach sweat's pooling in your lap like a puddle

And suddenly they think you're ready to go

Well, I can't have that

It's too hot, Marjana

It's just too damn hot