Mercury

I'm Mercury

I'm the first planet from the sun
But I'm not the smallest
That would have been Pluto
But then scientists figured out
That Pluto was not a planet
But a comet, and so they renamed it Steve

After my friend Steve who is small
But acts like he's big
Even though I can beat him up

One time I punched Steve
And he cried
And I said I wouldn't tell anyone
But now he says he likes my sister
And that's so gross I threw up
But I did it in my mouth
So you wouldn't see
Because Mercury has an inner core
Made up of throw up
Because otherwise it would throw up on Venus
And then Venus would throw up on Earth
And we'd all be covered in throw-up
And life would be bad

The planet would be uninhabitable

Like my friend Steve's house
Because it smells

I am Mercury
And that means I go around the sun a lot
Which makes me tired
So then I have to go to bed at nine
Even though that's really lame
Because all the good shows come on at ten
But my mom mom says she doesn't care
And if I don't like it I can go live at Steve's house
Which I would because his parents let him stay up
But they also don't have a shower
So I don't know

A night on Mercury lasts forever
Like going to my uncle's house
Where you can't touch anything
Because it's all expensive
And he only has Diet Pepsi
Which tastes like pee water
Which I didn't even make up
My Dad did
But I get in trouble when I say it
Because Dads can't get in trouble
Because they lie better than kids do

If I were another planet, I would be
Because I hate Mercury
Because nobody writes about it
And I think it's unfair that I'm not Saturn
Which is super easy to do
And Steve gets to be Saturn
But he looks gay with that rainbow costume on
And all his mom's rings
Which are fake gold
And not real
Like he says he is

I couldn't dress up like Mercury
Because Mercury is just a rock
But it's close to the sun
So I had my mom put all her self-tanner on me
Because Mercury must be really tanned
But now I smell like a coconut
And I think for that I should get an 'A'

Thank you