What I'm Legally Required To Tell You About This House

So there’s what I can tell happily tell you

And what I can happily tell you

Is that this is a lovely neighborhood

Just so safe, so nice

Such, uh, great schools, uh, nearby

And everyone’s so, uh, friendly

So--what I can, uh, legally, tell you

About the house

What I, uh, have to, uh, tell you

Not that I wouldn’t

Even if I didn’t, uh, legally, have to

I like to be very transparent with people

Very, uh, upfront, so--

But also the law requires me

To, uh, be that way

So, let’s, uh--yeah

Well, in this beautiful room

With all the natural light

There are new windows

Because, the, uh, old ones

Were ripped out

By a woman who the neighbors called--

Angry Anne

Apparently, she was very, uh, angry

The nickname was not, you know, ironic

It was, uh, very literal

She was angry

And when she would get angry

She would rip things out of walls, uh,

And then light them on fire

Sometimes in the front yard

Sometimes in the backyard

The beautiful backyard

Where I said you could put a pool if you--

Well, so, I guess, uh, Angry Annie

Had a husband

Who the neighbors called--

Terrible Tim

And Terrible Tim, uh, his nickname

Was also, not, uh, ironic

He was, uh, terrible

And, uh, when he got mad

He would stop up the drains

All over the house

And then turn the water on

And just, uh, flood the place

So I guess you could say

Angry Anne was a fire sign

And Terrible Tim was a water--

Sorry, I was going to make a joke

But I can see you’re pretty disturbed

By all this

Well, so far, I haven’t said anything

That I’m legally required to say

I’m just giving you some background

For when I get to the part I have to tell you

So you can put it in a little, uh, context

So one night

Terrible Tim says something

To make Angry Anne mad

And she says something back

That, uh, he didn’t like

So he does his thing

Of flooding the whole house

And she does her thing

Of ripping things out of the--

She was very strong, apparently

Just, uh, ungodly strong

And, uh, she managed to

Rip one of the cabinets off the wall

Which is why we have these gorgeous

New cabinets in the kitchen

And, uh, she went to throw

The cabinet at him

But she lifted it over her head first

So she could really lob it

And instead, it fell on her

And, uh, knocked her just right

And, well, she, uh, died

They say she might have lived

But when she fell unconscious

She landed in the water

That was pooling up

All over the house

And so, she, uh, drowned

And when Terrible Tim

Who was upstairs at the time sulking

As his wife was drowning

Because he’s, you know, terrible

--By the way, we replaced all the carpet in here

I don’t know if you noticed--

Anyway, he came downstairs

And got very upset

And went to run and get help

Because he couldn’t my his cell phone

I can never find mine either

If I’m being honest

And so he went to get help

And boom!

Slips and falls

Hits his head

Drowns like his wife

The two of them

Just floating face-down in here

Until somebody called the cops

Because the water was pouring out

The front door

So yeah

That’s, uh, well it’s quite a story

You know

You could tell it at dinner parties or--

Yes, let me show you another listing

This is, uh, it might have a little too much

History

For you