The Pirate Anthem

     (Three PIRATES sit around with pen and paper.)

PORTER:  I'd say start with 'Avast.'  That's always a good one.

TIDES:  'Avast ye matey or--?'

MCFIFE:  But we're talking to all the matey's, not just one matey.

PORTER:  So maybe just 'Avast?'

MCFIFE:  I think just 'Avast.'

TIDES:  All right.

PORTER:  Now the next part is about our value system.

TIDES:  Ay?

PORTER:  What we believe in.  That's what you put in an anthem.

MCFIFE:  Well, uh, there's the pillaging.  We believe in that.

TIDES:  Love that.  Love the pillaging.

PORTER:  What rhymes with 'pillaging?'

MCFIFE:  Does it have to rhyme?

TIDES:  Now, see here, McFife.  I won't be having an anthem that don't rhyme.  We're pirates, not modern poets.

MCFIFE:  Okay so what rhymes with 'pillaging?'

TIDES:  We like to...go a'pillaging when we're...out doing our...village-ing.

PORTER:  And you want that to be the...first line?

TIDES:  Maybe not the first line but--

MCFIFE:  What about the plundering?

PORTER:  What's the difference between the pillaging and the plundering?

MCFIFE:  You pillage a village, you plunder only when you're in Australia.

TIDES:  Why's that?

MCFIFE:  You never heard that?  Pillage a village, plunder down under?

PORTER:  That needs to go in the song.

MCFIFE:  I didn't make that up.

PORTER:  Who did?

MCFIFE:  I don't know.  It's just what I've always heard.

PORTER:  Then it belongs to the public domain.

MCFIFE:  Suppose'n it does then.

TIDES:  Are you sure somebody you know didn't make it up?  One-Leg Petey?  One-Eyed Jeremy?  Guy with the Parrot and the Forgettable Name?

MCFIFE:  What's his name again?

TIDES:  I don't remember.

PORTER:  Do we want to say anything about being one-eyed or one-legged?

MCFIFE:  Not all of us are one-eyed and one-legged.  Only eighty-three percent.

PORTER:  But it speaks to our willingness to let anybody be a pirate.

TIDES:  Inclusivity.  That's a buzzword.

PORTER:  We've into inclusivity...and lasses who are pret...tee...tee.

MCFIFE:  But we don't want everybody thinking they can be a pirate.  There's gotta be some criteria.

PORTER:  That's what the song does.  It lays out the criteria.

TIDES:  So what might prohibit ye from bein' a pirate?

MCFIFE:  Seasickness.

PORTER:  If ye get sick from being asea, you can't be a pirate--Hey, don't look at me.

MCFIFE:  I don't make the rules.  You'd puke in the boat.

TIDES:  I'm a pirate.  You're not.  I'm not trying to gloat.

PORTER/MCFIFE/TIDES:  Gotta write that down./We're on a roll now./That was really special what happened just now.  I really enjoyed that.

PORTER:  Do we want to say anything about grog?

TIDES:  I'm allergic to grog.

PORTER:  Are you?

TIDES:  Ye know, I never was, and then I turned thirty and--

MCFIFE:  Same with me.

TIDES:  Yeah?

MCFIFE:  One sip of grog, and I get a rash all over me.

PORTER:  So no grog?

TIDES:  Include it if ye like, but make sure to say that some pirates are allergic.

PORTER:  We could just leave it out.

TIDES:  I don't want you leaving it out because of me.

PORTER:  Grog isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.

MCFIFE:  I mean, I like grog, but I don't need it in the anthem.

PORTER:  And the mizzenmast?

TIDES:  Oh, we gotta talk about the mizzenmast.

MCFIFE:  Love the mizzenmast.

PORTER:  It's a...whizzenmast?

TIDES/MCFIFE:  Nooooo./Let's leave that on the table for a second and come back to it.

PORTER:  Do you want to talk about sunken treasure?

TIDES:  You can't talk about the treasure!

MCFIFE:  What's wrong with you?

PORTER:  Not a SPECIFIC treasure.  Just--treasure in general.

MCFIFE:  Don't say anything about treasure.

TIDES:  We don't talk about treasure.  Don't even say treasure.

PORTER:  Okay, I won't say--all right.

TIDES:  Nobody needs to know about any treasure.

PORTER:  Okay, okay.

MCFIFE:  This is hard.

PORTER:  Well I was gonna say--

TIDES:  What?

PORTER:  I was gonna say that the...'T' word rhymes with a lot of things, so--

MCFIFE:  Does it?

PORTER:  Oh yeah.  Pleasure.  Measure.  Leisure if you don't pronounce it lee-sure.

TIDES:  You know, I hate to say it, but he makes a good point.

MCFIFE:  Those are really good rhymes.  Measure in particular.  I like that.

TIDES:  Me too.

MCFIFE:  A lot you can do there.

TIDES:  Okay, we might work it back in.

PORTER:  All right then.

MCFIFE:  How far along are we?

PORTER:  We...just sort of have a bunch of ideas and that line about seasickness.

TIDES:  Oof.

MCFIFE:  Tricky.

PORTER:  Well, we only have two things to do today, so it's not like we need to stress about it.

TIDES:  What's the other thing we need to do?

PORTER:  Uh...

     (Looks at his notes.)

Write a mission statement.

     (A beat.)

MCFIFE:  Boy, do I miss grog.

     End of Play