You need to check the attic
It’s the only place I never looked
There is no boogeyman up there
You’re being paranoid
Can you just please--
I mean, there could be a raccoon up there
Because when I was ten
I definitely remember smelling something weird
Coming through the air ducts
And then Dad said something about a dead animal
Getting in through the roof
But that’s still a few years away
So if it’s up there now, it’s probably only mildly ill
Oh! I also need you to go down to the basement
And check behind the furnace
The furnace is not going to eat you
That was just Chris messing with you
He’s a big brother
It’s what they do
But don’t worry
When you guys grow up
He goes through a really bad divorce
Then decides to raise goats
As a means of income
And you become the successful one in the family
Focus! We don’t need to get into all that right now
The important thing is you finding these Christmas gifts
This is the year Mom got us the UltraSystem
And you could get two extra months of play out of it
If you can just found where she hid it
Did you look in the garage
Behind Dad’s stack of magazines?
Okay, you can check there
But for the sake of healthy development
I need you to NOT look at those magazines
Like, don’t even glance at them
Just push them aside and--
Wait, I think he keeps the fireworks there too
And that bottle of whiskey
Uncle Rob gave him
Instead of paying back the money he owed
You know what?
Let’s put a pin in the garage for now
And try the downstairs closet first
Look, I know Chris has convinced you
That there are monsters and murderers
In every single room and crawlspace in this house
But I am telling you
That’s only partly true
That guy they found in the wall
Didn’t even kill anybody
He just thought that there was buried treasure
Hidden somewhere in the house
And then got cozy
In the boarded up room
Next to the kitchen
But you’re not supposed to find out about that
For another year or so
So just...try not to worry about it
What you should be worrying about
Is where that UltraSystem is
Now I think there’s a loose floorboard
In Mom and Dad’s room
Where they could probably fit a few things
But that’s back when they were making a living
As jewelry thieves
So they probably put a few stolen goods there as well
But if you find that instead of the gifts
Pocket at least one of the diamonds
Because when the Feds show up
They’re going to seize it all
And you’re not going to have
Another good Christmas for awhile
Don’t worry, you’re not going to end up
In foster care of anything
Your parents know this really good lawyer
Who gets them off on a technicality
But, like, they’re still jewelry thieves on parole
Who can’t steal jewelry
And that’s sort of all they’re good at
So then they open up this roadside butter stand
That REALLY does not do well
Anyway, apart from that
You have a really great childhood
But a gaming system
Would make it that much better
So go look on top of the fridge
It seems obvious
But you were never the sharpest tool
So it’s possible you never checked there
I can’t really remember
I blocked out so much of the trau--I mean…
The memories
I blocked out the memories
Because they were…
So...long ago
Nothing yet?
Oh! Check that empty van in the backyard
The one that guy who stayed with the family lived in
For a few months
Before he disappeared
Just, uh...put on some gloves first
And, uh, don’t spend too long in there
And, um, maybe take a knife with you?
No, it’s safe
I mean, he’s long gone
For the most part
I think
Yeah
It’s just that, uh…
Well, the point is
If the system is in there
You want to get in and get out
So you don’t lose any valuable playing time
Right?
Trust me, kid
This’ll all make sense to you
When you’re older
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