A List of Charges

     (JOHN is on the phone.)

BANK:  Hello, this is your bank.  We need to go over a list of charges as we feel your account may have been compromised.

JOHN:  It wasn't, but okay.

BANK:  It may have been.

JOHN:  It wasn't.  I have no money.  Nobody wants to compromise me.

BANK:  Maybe not you, but your account--

JOHN:  Nobody wants my account.

BANK:  I'm looking at your account now.  It's very attractive.

JOHN:  I mean, thank you, but that's just not true.

BANK:  The account number ends in a nine.  That's really lovely.  You don't always see that.  A lot of fours these days, but barely ever a nine.

JOHN:  Can you just--?

BANK:  Sorry.  Please confirm the first charge to WatchThisGuyGetKickedInTheBalls.com.

JOHN:  Uh, yeah.

BANK:  Yes, you can confirm that charge?

JOHN:  Yeah, I--yes.

BANK:  Are you sure?

JOHN:  Yes.

BANK:  To WatchThisGuyGetKickedInTheBalls.com?

JOHN:  You had to pay ninety-nine cents to watch the--Why do I have to explain it?

BANK:  So we know you're not a criminal.

JOHN:  It's my account!

BANK:  But you can watch people get kicked in the balls for free.  The Internet has--

JOHN:  Yes, but I wanted to see THAT guy get kicked in the balls.

BANK:  All right.  Next charge.

JOHN:  I'm sure all the charges are me.

BANK:  We can't be sure of that, John.

JOHN:  Okay, can we just make this quick then?

BANK:  Please confirm the charge for Pig Wrestling Starter Kit.

JOHN:  Yes.

(A beat.)

BANK:  Do you want to talk about that John?

JOHN:  It's a gag gift.  I'm giving it to my brother for his birthday.

BANK:  Are you sure?

JOHN:  Again--is there a reason I have to explain to you why--

BANK:  Why would your brother want to wrestle a pig?

JOHN:  Do you know what a gag gift is?

BANK:  Do YOU know what a gag gift is?

JOHN:  What's the next charge?

BANK:  Eighty-seven fifty at Mikey's.

JOHN:  Yes, that was me.

BANK:  What's Mikey's?

JOHN:  It's a restaurant.

BANK:  What kind of restaurant?

JOHN:  It's--an American restaurant.

BANK:  Eighty-seven fifty is a lot to spend at a restaurant.

JOHN:  I was hungry.

BANK:  What do they serve?

JOHN:  Hamburgers.

BANK:  You ate eighty-seven dollars worth of--

JOHN:  IT'S A STRIP CLUB, OKAY?  IT'S A STRIP CLUB.

     (A beat.)

BANK:  After we talk about your charges, John, I'd like to talk about you.

JOHN:  Okay, listen--

BANK:  You're going to strip clubs, you're paying to watch men get their genitals assaulted--

JOHN:  It wasn't--

BANK:  You've got no money.

JOHN:  I mean, I have some money.

BANK:  (Laughs.)  Oh John, we both know that's not true.

JOHN:  Are we done with the charges?

BANK:  Not yet.  Do you really think you should have spent a hundred and four dollars on an autographed copy of The Four Agreements?

JOHN:  Wait, that wasn't me.

     (A beat.)

BANK:  Are you sure?

JOHN:  Yeah, that book is all about self-improvement.  I would never read that.

BANK:  Okay, it's good we did this then.  We'll remove that charge.

JOHN:  Remove it?

BANK:  Yes.  You're saying you didn't buy the book, so we'll investigate, but in the meantime--

JOHN:  How, uh, thorough is your investigation?

BANK:  Not very thorough.

JOHN:  How thorough is 'not very thorough?'

BANK:  We basically wait two days and then tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.

JOHN:  So, uh, okay, then, you know what?  I actually...never went to Mikey's.

BANK:  Oh?

JOHN:  Yup.  Never even heard of it.

BANK:  But you said--

JOHN:  I thought you said Miley's, which is the, uh, Hannah Montana-theme Polynesian place that I really--enjoy, but, uh, Mikey's?  No.  Don't know that one.

BANK:  All right.  We'll investigate that charge as well.

JOHN:  Which means--

BANK:  The money's back in your account, but we'll Google 'Did John go somewhere?' and if nothing obviously guilty comes up, you're good.

JOHN:  Great, and, uh, you know--I don't really remember paying to watch that guy get kicked in the balls.  I went to another website.  One of the free ones that you talked about, so I'm going to need that money back as well.  Oh, and, uh, the Pig Wrestling Kit wasn't me either.  Geez, it sounds like I got my identity stolen.

BANK:  Don't worry.  That's why we make these calls.

JOHN:  Thank you.  I appreciate it.

BANK:  We'll send you a new card.

JOHN:  Before you do that, we might need to go back a little further to make sure we caught all the fraudulent charges.  Is there on there 2013?  Something about a ticket to a Nickelback cover band show?

BANK:  Uh...yes, I see that.

JOHN:  I gotta tell you--it's a good thing you called.

The End