The Church Secretary

She just barges right in

Like she owns the place

And she doesn’t

God does

He’s the landlord

Last time I checked

But the best part is

Once she’s in

She doesn’t move

She just stands there

Looking at us

Like we were supposed to move

Like we were going to put our clothes on

And act all ashamed

The last time I checked

I was a single woman

And the last time I checked

The priest is a single man

Because he has to be

Because he’s a priest

And the last time I checked

A man and a woman having sex

Is just fine with the Lord

Provided they’re married

And we’re married in our hearts

So I don’t see the problem with it

What I do see a problem with

Is a woman

A full-grown woman

In her late-sixties

Standing there

Watching two people

Have at it on a beautiful, hand-crafted desk

For what had to be at least two minutes

Before she clears her throat

And lets them know she’s there

Something wrong with that

Let me tell you

The last time I checked

She was not the sole owner

Of this church

Just because she’s church secretary

She’s a secret-keeper

That’s what her name means in Latin

And as such

She should be better about keeping her mouth closed

But everybody knows she’s not

Because she is, in fact, the biggest gossip

In the whole town

So I just knew she was going to try

Starting trouble over all this

And the last time I checked

The Lord does not look kindly

On those who start trouble

When trouble wasn’t called for

Father went to put on his pants

And I stopped him right there

I said, ‘Father, I haven’t been in this position

For over fifteen years

And the last time I checked

If you haven’t had steak for a good, long while

You don’t send it back to the kitchen

Just because the chef

Didn’t cook it just how you wanted it’

He didn’t know what the hell

I was talking about

But that’s probably because

He couldn’t hear me

What with that secretary of his

Running screaming through the church

Like she never saw two a-dults

Doing the beast with two backs

Or maybe that titless troll

Was just beside herself

Getting a glimpse

At what I had going on

You’d think she be thrilled

That with all the priests in the world

Who like to eyeball innocent children

This one is only interested

In consenting ladies

I admit it’s not ideal

To have a priest who ain’t chaste

But nobody’s kidding themselves

Into thinking all these men

Lose their libido

The minute they put on a collar

I suppose the secretary

Might have been kidding herself

But then again

Last time I checked

She’s good at that sort of thing

She kid herself into thinking

Everybody would believe her

When she went around saying
Me and father were bumping uglies

On his desk

Ten minutes before mass

But nobody did

Or they did but they didn’t want to give her

The satisfaction of their belief

Either way she resigned

Due to stress

And Father and I had our little arrangement going

Every Sunday for years

Before he finally resigned from the priesthood

And made an honest woman out of me

I know it’s not the prettiest story

But the last time I checked

Nobody cares how something goes

Only about how it ends

And I’d say this was

One happy little ending

Wouldn’t you?