"The Manitoba Theater Critic of the Year"
Tonight is a special night
Here in Raleigh
Tonight we are here
To give an award
To a man who has touched us all
In one way or another
Tonight
Everyone whose anyone
In the Raleigh theater community
Is here tonight
To honor you
Over there at Table 6
Mr. Price
It is my understanding
That the Manitoba Theater Critic of the Year Award
Is rarely given to someone
Who lives outside of Manitoba
But in your case
They made an exception
Because your contributions
Not just to theater here in Raleigh
But to the theater community at large
Are undeniable
I'm just going to wait for that last waiter
To drop his salad plate off
And then we'll move on
To the presentation of the--
Okay
That's it
He's gone
Shelly
Lock the door
Do it now
LOCK IT!
Okay, Arnie
Here's the deal
You haven't won any award
The fact that you were stupid enough
To think there was such a thing
As The Manitoba Bullshit Yada Yada Award
Is, in and of itself, irrefutable proof
That whoever gave you a job
Reviewing theater
Should be fired immediately
If there was any such award
They certainly wouldn't give it to you
And they wouldn't let you accept it
OUTSIDE OF MANITOBA
Jesus Christ, Arnie
Has dementia set in
Or are you just arrogant enough
To think that after twenty years
Of putting every actor, director
And artist in Raleigh
Through the bowels of Hell
And back again
That you'd actually be worthy
Of an AWARD
A FUCKING AWARD!
Sit down!
It's not a coincidence
That we put the Barton Brothers
On either side of you
Right there at Table 6
You make a run for it
And they'll scarf you down
Like a bowl of chili
On a cold winter's day
You're not leaving this room
Until we get a promise out of you, Arnie
A solemn vow
That you will make here tonight
And that you will honor
Until you die, retire
Or the Devil comes to claim your soul
In exchange for the cushy job he gave you
Ripping out other people's souls
While you sat on your ass and ate caviar
At our fucking cast parties
Whichever comes first
We're all gathered here tonight
Not because we like each other
We can barely tolerate each other
The Shakespeare snobs at Table 8
Tried to poison Table 12 earlier tonight
We despise each other
But we all have one thing in common
And I'm not talking about just the ladies
Although when I said earlier
That you were a man who touched us all
I was referring mainly to them
We all share one burden
And that's you, Arnie
You and your twisted pen
For the past twenty years
You have made little bon mots
At the expense of people's lives
Their livelihoods
Their love of their careers
Their joy
The only thing some of them
Were ever good at
You took that away
So that you could have a flashy headline
A cute little remark
A nasty jab at someone
And for what?
For what, Arnie?
Stop trying to signal Bernard at Table 14!
He's not your friend, Arnie
He's put up with you all these years
Because you got his predecessor fired
When you compared his production of Salome
With being bitten by a large animal
And even with all Bernard's ass-kissing
You still let him have it
Every couple of years
Why?
So you could keep him on his toes?
Well guess what, buddy
He's the one who came up with this little plan
Although in his version
We were supposed to strip you naked
And leave you on a highway
We're not doing that anymore
But we're still considering it Plan B
If you're uncooperative
It would be one thing
If you were a good reviewer
But you're horrible
Your writing is horrible
Your word choices are pathetic
Your similes are metaphors
And your metaphors are onomatopoeia
You're a joke, Arnie
And tonight
You get to hear the punchline
No more bad reviews
From now on
Nothing but upbeat
Accentuate the positive
Put on a happy face
Reviews, Arnie
That's all you're going to write
Trust me
Nobody's going to miss the bad reviews
Nobody's going to miss bitchy Arnie
Everybody's had twenty years of him
And they'll be glad to see him go
You really don't have a choice, Arnie
You either agree to this
Or we don't let you leave this room
Remember Plan B?
Nobody will believe what happened here, Arnie
An entire community of people
Conspire to make a critic change his tune?
...Okay, maybe some people will believe it
But nobody will look for you
Trust me on that, Arnie
You're old
You're grumpy
You're right around the age
When people get paranoid anyway
So don't even try
It's time to get happy, Arnie
It's time to put on that happy face
Which reminds me
You're going to write a retraction
Of your review for Table 19's production
Of Bye Bye Birdie
It may have been a shitstorm
But you have to start somewhere
Nod to show me
That you understand
Ronnie!
Stop nodding his head for him
He has to go along with this semi-willingly
. . . . .
That's good, Arnie
That's really good
Okay
Let the waiters back in
It's time for the main course
And wouldn't you know
We've decided to supply you
With a little entertainment, Arnie
No award
But new perspective
And a song and dance
From us to you
Who could ask for anything more?
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