Let's Be Clear

-- This is my stab at a political monologue. If it sounds like my Bible Man monologue, there's a reason-I think the two would sound similar because they're similar types of people. If you're wondering if I agree with this guy, then you don't know me very well. Just so we're clear. --

"Let's Be Clear"

The numbers were bad
They were very bad
They were...
I'd rather not
If that's all right
I'd rather not talk about
Results
Here
Or
The numbers
Because
The numbers were bad
And that's something we need to...

We need to face that
The numbers
We need to face the numbers
And the fact
That the numbers
Were bad
Very bad
Really quite bad
And that's a fact

Let's be clear
I'm not interested
In the numbers
Because numbers change
They change all the time
People feel one way
Day changes
They wake up
They feel differently
Happens all the time

So am I worried?
No
I'm concerned
There's a difference
But let's be clear
I'm not worried
Numbers change
Things happen
It's all...

It's open
It's very open
To interpretation
Perhaps
Maybe
It's not closed
It's not a closed issue

. . . . .

Is it...
Is it bad to
Some would say
Bash
They use the word
Bash
Your opponent?

Yes

I think it is
I think it shows...
Lack of character
Lack of creativity
Really
Because
I mean
Talk about the issues
Cliche
Right?
But true
Talk about the issues

Attack the opponent?
Okay
But that's expected
Of course you could do that
Of course you feel differently
Otherwise why would you be running?
Why would you be running
Against someone
You felt could better
Than you?

Let's be clear
I'm not attacking my opponent
I'm not merely attacking my opponent
That's not...
That's not all I'm doing
My opponent happens to be part
Of a much bigger issue
And the issue is what I'm attacking
Addressing, rather
It's what I'm addressing
When I say
That I don't think
Someone
Who does what my opponent does
Should be put
In any sort of position of...

Let's be clear
I'm not going to go into the mire
That's not what I'm about
I don't like doing that
But
Okay
Let's
Okay
And for those of you
Who think I'm doing this
Because of the numbers
That's not...
That wouldn't be effective
I wouldn't do that
So no
Not because of the numbers
Absolutely not

I'm doing this...
I'm bring this up because...
My opponent
Well...

He's a fucking moron

. . . . .

I'm sorry
Well
No
I'm not actually
I'm not sorry he's a moron
I didn't make him that way
After all
I didn't birth the idiot
I just have to listen to him talk
Which is probably more painful

Did you hear his last speech?

'I believe in America, because America is worth believing in.'

Wow
Brilliant
I can hear Whitman
Trying to claw his way out of the grave

'America is worth believing in'

Start making the bumper stickers
And the stuffed dolls of my opponent
'My Antonia' wishes it could have been that eloquent

This man
Is a giant colon
Spewing shit onto the general populace
And they're putting that shit on t-shirts
They're smearing it on pins
On poster boards
On signs they hang up
In their bay windows
Don't you just love
When liberals have bay windows?

'Oh yes, we're rich
But we're very sorry about it.'

I hate the poor
How do you like that?
I hate 'em all
They should all get jobs
And they could to
It's just that this entire country
Has collectively decided
That we're all too good
To do ANYTHING!

I'm sorry
No, I'm not
I'm not sorry
Aren't there still McDonald's?
Aren't there still meat packing plants?
Isn't there still tons of garbage
Pouring out of the houses with the bay windows
That have the signs in them
Pushing the shit that my fucking moron opponent
Keeps spewing out?

Soooooooo
Why are there jobless people then?
Too good to be pizza delivery men?
My grandfather used to shine shoes
For eight hours a day
Until his hands cramped up
And then do you know what he did?
He shined for eight more hours
Then came home
Beat up my father
Ate half a turnip
And went to bed

THAT WAS HIS WHOLE LIFE
THAT WAS AMERICA
THAT WAS ALL YOU FUCKING BELIEVED IN!

Put that on a goddammed poster
Shit-Shovelers 'R Us

I love when I go to the theater
And I have to
Because I have to look cultured
Because the numbers show
That people want to vote for candidates
Who seem cultured
Except in the South
Where if you admit to having seen a musical
They call you a faggot and throw lit matches at you

Anyway
I go to the theater
And I sit and watch plays
About how liberals feel about the war
The war that they're not sending their kids to
Oh, but they feel the need to protect
Children that aren't theirs

Let's be clear
Those kids wanted to go to war
They wanted to kill Arabs
They wanted to feel important
You know why?
Because if they didn't go to war
They'd have knocked up their girlfriends
Or gotten knocked up
Since girls want to kill Arabs too now
They would have become pizza delivery men
And they wouldn't have bitched about it

The war is the new way
We make stupid people
Feel like they're doing something
With their lives
Liberals have that too
It's called getting a college degree

My opponent
The fucking moron
Let's be clear
Thinks we should do away with the war
He calls me a war-monger
Says I'm war-crazy
Probably thinks I live in a giant tank
And that I fuck a machine gun
Every night before bed

Yes
I like war
It gives people something to do
When you don't have war
You have people blowing up their own country's buildings
You have serial killers
You have the Power Puff Girls
People have homocidal urges
That need to be released
And war does that
Tree hugging?
Mmmm....
NO

Let's be clear
I like war
I like money
I like being better than people
That's why I should win this election
Because the person running things
SHOULD be better than the people he's in charge of
That's just common fucking sense

Let's be clear
I hate the poor
I hate watching what I say
I hate my opponent
BECAUSE
I hate fucking morons
And why am I not allowed to say that?

Why can we not
As a society
Denounce stupid people?
Instead of polling them
Asking their opinion
Letting them have a say

When I was younger
We put stupid people in asylums
NOW
We give them shows on cable
And let them blog about their thoughts
They don't need blogs
They need crayons and colored paper
Just like they used to have
Before everybody got SENSITIVE

'I believe in America, because America is worth believing in.'

I believe my fucking moron opponent
Is full of shit
And I believe America knows that
And I believe they're going to elect him anyway
Because most of them
Are as dumb
If not dumber
Than he is

. . . . .

I love this country
But I don't have to love all of it
I don't have to love
Every decision that's made in it
Or every leader who leads in it
Or every person who lives in it

Hell
I'm not expected to love
Everybody in my family
So why am I expected to love
Everything about my country?

I'm mad at my country
I'm mad at the people
Who are supposed to be making it better
Because they're not telling people the truth
They're not saying--

'Things suck.
Work harder.
Get down off the high horses
And get dirty for a change.'

There's no truth anymore
Just numbers
And as for the numbers
Well...

They just don't add up
Not to me, anyway