Fuck the Zebra

-- So sorry for the title, but what else could I call this? --

"Fuck the Zebra"

Fuck the zebra
Fuck the motherfucking
Goddammed zebra
From fucking zebra hell
I hope it fucking dies

I hope the fucking lions
Eat their way
Out of their fucking pen
And then hop over the fucking fence
Into the fucking zebra pen
And eat the fucking zebras

That's what I'm hoping for
You zebra-fucking no-good
Goddammed motherfucker

You're going to fire me
Because the fucking zebra
Won't let me feed it?

Fuck you
And fuck the zebra
Fuck the fucking horse
The zebra rode the fuck in on
You fucking prick-licker

Is it my fucking fault
That the fucking zebra
Won't eat food I've touched
Because it thinks it's too good
To eat fucking food that I fucking made for it?

Is it my fucking fault
That the zebra saw me getting head
From the fucking koala expert
And got all fucking depressed
Because we can't get the fucking lady zebra
To do to him what she did to me?

Huh?
Is that my fucking fault?
Tell me!

You know what?
I'm sorry
I'M FUCKING SORRY

I'm sorry that the zebra food
Takes three hours to make
Because the fucking zebra
Has to be on a special fucking diet
So it doesn't fucking die
Like the other eighteen million fucking other animals
We brought over for the fucking Africa exhibit

Here's a fucking genius thought
Did you ever think
That maybe African animals
Would have a hard time surviving
In Minne-fucking-sota?
You dumbass motherfucker

Why don't you just stick them in a freezer?
And save us all the goddammed time and energy
Trying to keep the fucking asshole zebras alive?
Have you seen the fucking elephants lately?
They're eating their own fucking noses
Because they're going crazy
Because it's like three fucking degrees out
And they still think they're in fucking Mombasa!

So yeah
The fucking zebra food
Takes too long to make sometimes
And it's fucking tiring
Especially after I've spent all day
Trying to get the fucking monkeys
To stop throwing their shit
At the fucking fourth graders on fucking field trips!

SO
I end up smelling like shit all the time
Fucking monkey shit
That smells like human shit
After it's been left in an armpit
For three weeks
And the fucking zebra won't come near me
Because apparently zebras have extra-sharp smelling powers
And he can smell the fucking armpit monkey shit on me
So he stays away

LIKE HE'S NOT A FUCKING ZEBRA!
LIKE HE'S ZSA ZSA FUCKING GABOR!
LIKE HIS ZEBRA SHIT DOESN'T SMELL

Oh wait
He doesn't shit anymore
Because that shit food you make him eat
So that he won't die
Clogs him up so bad
That when he finally does shit
It fills up the fucking fake watering hole
We built for him
And makes it look like the fucking East River

Then who has to clean it up?
That's right, you motherfucker
That's right
ME

So yeah
Sometimes I don't make him the fucking food
Like I should
Sometimes I just feed him fucking french fries
From McDonald's
How do you like that?
You fucking jizz junkie

You want to know what?
He likes those fucking french fries
LOVES THEM
That's the only time he'll come over to me now
When he smells those fucking fries
And he's not dead yet
So who knows?
Maybe it's the fucking fries keeping him alive
Maybe once you stop giving them to him
He'll die of heartbreak or some shit like that
Since he's so goddammed sensitive
Probably a fairy zebra

That's right
You heard me
You probably got a fairy zebra in there
And that's why the fucking lady zebra won't touch him
But she licks the fucking sweat off my face
Whenever I go near her
That striped bitch is fucking horny
Let me tell you
You can tell that fucking queer zebra whatever you want
But trust me
That girl zebra would suck the silver off a soup spoon
If you put a real man in that fucking pen

I don't care that you fired me
Fuck no, I don't care
I hate that fucking zebra
I HATE HIM
I'm sorry I didn't sell him to a fucking poacher
When I had the fucking chance
I'd have made a fucking blanket out of him
And sold it to a pimp
If I knew I'd get canned
Just because he won't eat his regular food now
Cause I gave him shit he actually liked
Like that's my fucking fault
That he acts like Princess Fucking Margaret

Give me five minutes with him
I'll make him eat his fucking food
Believe you me
He'll eat it
I'll shove it down his fucking striped throat
Get him all clogged up again
Then send him to the river
So his fucking zebra bowels
Can explode so bad
They'll hit the fucking ostrich pen

That's all you need at this fucking zoo
Shitty ostriches

. . . . .

You know
I'm a professional
I know how to work with people
Even when I don't like them
I hate that fucking zebra
But I worked with him
I treated him with respect
And this is what he does to me

If you ask me
He needs to be the one in here
Getting talked to
Getting his ass canned
He's the one that should go
That's what I think

Yeah
Whatever
Fuck the zebra

I'm out