The First Time I Wore A Dress

-- Sorry Todd, but I'm going in a different direction with your title.  Hope you like it. --

"The First Time I Wore a Dress"

The first time I wore a dress

I was at my father's funeral

I was seven

Magpie was nine

Lee was ten

Daisy was eleven

And Hubert was twelve

There is a year

Between me

And the rest of my siblings

I like to believe

That those measly twelve months

Are what make my two brothers and two sisters

Feel like strangers to me

When I was seven

I hated wearing dresses

But when Daddy died

I understood that it was necessary

So I put it on

And hated every minute of it

I had never seen much of my father

So I can't say I was all that broken up

When he finally passed away

From a long and torturous bout

With some sickness that--

To this day

--Nobody will tell me the name of

When I was a kid

I imagined that he died

Of a disease where your arms fall off

Then your legs fall off

Until you're just a head

Talking to your wife

Telling her what you'd like to wear

At your funeral

My mother put me in that first dress

And read me the riot act

On how to behave

Since I was the wildest

Everyone just called me Wildcat

In case you haven't figured it out already

We are a family

That believes in nicknames

My mother told me to be still

All she would say is 'Be still'

That was her best advice

To a child

Watching her father's funeral

Be still

She was and is a woman of few words

She didn't even sit next to me

She sat in between Daddy's two sisters

While her five children sat next to Josie

Our housekeeper and nanny

When nannying was called for

And Magpie said 'Pray for Papa'

And Lee said 'Momma looks so pretty'

And Daisy said 'Stop picking your nose'

And Hubert just sat and stared

Not saying a word

The first time I wore that dress

I remember it itched so bad

I would have gladly torn it off

In the middle of the church

And gone storming down the aisle

In my purple underwear

God knows where I got purple underwear

It might have been Lee's even

Away from the rousing sermon

And the crying eyes

And the four siblings who hated me

. . . . .

The first time I wore a dress

After Daddy's funeral

Was to the prom

Where Lee was my unfortunate date

I hadn't wanted to go to prom

And I had hoped that Momma wouldn't find out

But she did

She always did

And she dragged out one of her old dresses

From the certified back wall

Of her endless closet

She stuck it me like she was handcuffing me

While Magpie and Daisy watched

Laughing the whole time

Because the damn thing didn't fit me

And it propped my already too-large boobs up so much

That they looked like they were going to swallow my head

And the bottom was frilly and ridiculous

But mostly I just didn't want to go to that stupid prom

Lee taking me was just another indignity

But it wasn't an especially awful one

As indignities go

We got halfway to the school

Lee in a tuxedo that he bought

On one of his many weekends in the city

With who-knows-how-much saved up allowance money

And he did look quite dapper

I have to say

At the halfway mark

Right where the road forks

Just like the poem says it does

Lee stopped the car

And looked at me with a serious gaze

So I'd know he wasn't being himself

But someone he needed to be

'You want to skip this thing?'

'Jesus, Lee--'

'I'm just asking.'

'Haven't I been screaming that I have all night?'

'But then we'd have to go somewhere else.'

'Where would we go?'

But I already knew where

The club was busy, real busy

And I suppose that's natural on a Friday night

But there I was in that awful dress

With my brother who looked like Fred Astaire

And everyone else was dressed like it was ninety degrees out

All short dress and t-shirts

Made me feel like the country bumpkin I was

In front of city people I'd never met

But Lee looked downright thrilled

'You want a drink?'

'I can drink?'

'You got a mouth, don't you?'

'Make it a good one.  My senior prom isn't until next year.  I might have to make it last.'

I sat at the bar

Trying to look casual

And failing miserably

Since that dress had a way

Of propping you up

To look like a lady with posture

And it was never designed

To be sat in on a barstool

I was wondering

How I was going to explain to Momma

Why her dressed like smoke

Since the air was filled with it

So much so that my eyes were too watery

To tell at first

Whether or not the person Lee brought back

Was a real big girl or a--

'Wildcat, this is Mason.'

'How do you do, Mason.'

'Hey, you're pretty.'

'Shouldn't I be?'

'Your brother always says you're a runt.'

'Oh well, he's right.  I'm the runt of the family.  It just happened to be a hell of a litter.'

Mason slammed his hand down on the bar

And let out a laugh that could have been a belch

If he'd have worked at it a little bit

He was a handsome man

And I noticed that Lee kept looking at him

With admiring eyes

But once he handed me my drink

Which might or might not have been turpentine

I didn't notice much else for the rest of the night

When we got home that night

Lee and I crawled into bed together

Both smelling up my sheets

With dirty city smells

And both laughing to each other

About how bad we were at swing dancing

And conferring on the answers we were going to give Momma

Once the morning rolled around

Which at that point was probably less than half an hour

I fell asleep next to my brother

And I remember thinking he was something

A real something

Not just a stuck-up Momma's boy

Like I had always thought

Maybe Lee's got some gumption, I thought

That was a word Hannah always used

And it always made me laugh

I watched my brother fall asleep

And I knew I had someone else in this family

Who wanted something more out of life

Than a pretty dance in a school gym

Before they handed over their life

To mediocrity

. . . . .

The first time I wore a dress

After the prom escapade

Was at Magpie's wedding

My last year of school

Leave it to Magpie, I thought

Here I was

Going to be the first in the family

To actually get a college diploma

And she scheduled her wedding

For the weekend of my graduation

I was ordered by Momma to come

She couldn't have cared less

That I was an academic

Getting myself on the right track in life

She was probably relieved

That she didn't have to suffer

Seeing one of her children

Actually accept a degree in medicine

'So you'll be a nurse?'

'No Momma, I'll be a doctor.'

'What's wrong with being a nurse?'

'Nothing, except I want to be a doctor.'

'You always have to take the rougher road, don't you?'

'I don't have to, Momma, but there's usually less traffic on it.'

To her, I was insufferable

But I couldn't honestly expect

That a celebration of my achievement

Could outdo the glorious wedded union

Of my sister and Tate Ponteran

So I showed up

Ready to be a bridesmaid

But not Maid of Honor

Thank God

Because Daisy would have that job

As Eldest Sister

Daisy was already two kids in

And she kept one on each hip

The entire weekend of the wedding

They were twins

One was named Cassie

And the other was named just Cass

Because my sister is an idiot

Who actually thinks

There's a difference between those two names

Either way

I couldn't tell the girls apart

But I'll admit that they were darling

And I did like being called Auntie Cat

Lee flew in from Chicago for the wedding

He and I crept up to my old bedroom

Smoked pot and told stories

About him being a musician

And not talking to Mason anymore

Because he up and got married

And that was fine by Lee

Because now he was friends with a new man named John

And they played in a band together

The band's name is Hat Trick

And I thought that was just terrific

(Well, I didn't really think that

But I couldn't break his heart now

Could I?)

Momma yelled for us to come downstairs

Daisy was explaining to Hubert

How he was going to give Magpie away

And for some reason we all had to listen

Who knows why?

In case Hubert tripped or something

Daisy maybe wanted to set up a plan

For somebody to catch Magpie

And keep right on walking with her

Magpie stayed quiet this whole time

And I just knew she wasn't happy

But I didn't think much of it

Since nobody was expected to be happy

Once they were married

And one more sister in a loveless marriage

Wasn't any surprise to me

The day of the wedding

I got in my awful bridesmaid's dress

And I walked up to Magpie's room

To see if she needed help with anything

Since Daisy was busy downstairs

Yelling at the caterers

For being three minutes late

And I thought maybe Magpie

Needed something pinned

Or whatever brides need

I opened up her bedroom door

And found her halfway out in the window

All dressed up nice in her wedding dress

I was going to whoop

I really was

Because it was a sight

But she hopped back in the room

And covered my mouth with her hand

With the other she shut the door behind me

'You can't tell.'

'What are you doing?'

'Tate and I are running away.'

'Why?  If you're going to run away with someone, don't do it with the person you were supposed to marry anyway!'

'We don't want a big wedding, but Momma wouldn't listen.'

'Has she ever?'

'Neither did Daisy or anybody else.  And we don't want to live here and Tate's father is going to make him and Momma will side with him, and we just...we just...'

She sat down on her bed

And burst right into tears

I waited for her to calm down a bit

Then I said--

'Well, what are you waiting for?  The window's still open.'

Magpie smiled up at me

And then jumped up

And gave me a big hug

First hug I ever got from her

'Promise you won't tell?'

'I'll say you knocked me out with a blunt object.'

'I can too, if I need to.'

I laughed at that

Who knew Magpie could make a joke?

Maybe she wasn't such a prude after all

In that moment

I wished I had actually tried to get to know her

Or at least opened the window for her

'Pray for me, will you?'

'I don't pray.  But I'll throw a bottle in the sea for you.'

'What are you going to put in that bottle, Wildcat?'

'A plea to the gods that Momma doesn't find you until after she's lost the use of her hands.'

'Why are you going to ask for that?'

'Because if she can still use them when she finds you, she's going to strangle you, Magpie.'

'Amen to that.'

I wasn't sure you could

'Amen to that'

But I didn't say anything

I just helped her out the window

And then walked back downstairs

Daisy was ironing Hubert's shirt

When I made the announcement

That Magpie had taken off

And had taken Tate with her

But that she looked just lovely

In her dress

It took smelling salts

To bring Daisy back to consciousness

And as for Momma

She was convinced I'd had something to do with it

'Momma,' I said, 'If I could take credit for this, believe me, I would.'

And with that

I packed up my suitcase

And headed for my graduation

Fully planning

On returning the teapot

I'd bought for Magpie's wedding present

And glad I'd kept the receipt

. . . . .

The first time I wore a dress

After Magpie's wedding that wasn't

Was at Daisy's anniversary party

Thrown by the grand dame herself

I don't think Daisy ever quite got over

Magpie backing out of her wedding

And since Lee, Hubert, and I

Were all confirmed spinsters

She was forced to throw herself

Another wedding

To hold her over

Until one of the twins tied the knot

The anniversary dinner was being held

At the nicest restaurant in town

Which meant it was a step above

Your average Olive Garden

Still, Daisy insisted on me

Wearing a dress

Granted, one of my choosing

But since I never did learn to shop

I didn't know that what I had picked

Made me look like a pastry chef

Until I saw the looks on Daisy and Momma's faces

'Something wrong, Daisy?'

'You look like a prison matron.'

'Good to know I have options in case being a heart surgeon doesn't work out.'

'Why did I give birth to such foolishness?'

'Hello to you, too, Momma.'

Lee brought some woman to the restaurant

I wanted to ask who she was

But he beat me to the punch

By jotting down something on a napkin

And handing it to me

'John's sister.  Daisy forbid me to bring John.'

I wrote back--

'I would have brought him.'

He giggled

Daisy shot us a look

He jotted down on last thing

When she wasn't looking

'Be good.  She's only asking for tonight.'

Still a tall order

In my opinion

Up to that point

I couldn't remember a single night

That Daisy had given me

One that was purely my own

And I doubt my wedding

That mysterious even that I knew would never happen

I don't think Daisy would have let that be mine either

After the meal was over

I gave Momma a polite peck on the cheek

Hubert got the usual light hug

And Lee and John's sister

A lovely woman who I wish Lee could marry

So that we'd have at least one sane woman in the family

The two of them got warm hugs

And promises to get together again soon

As I was walking back to my car

I saw Daisy sitting in hers

All alone in the parking lot

I walked over and tapped on her window

It only took a second to realize she'd been crying

'What's wrong?'

'Get in.'

I hopped into the passenger seat

Not asking where her husband was

She drove us to a nearby diner

Got out of the car without saying a word

And walked in

I followed her into the place

We sat down in a booth

And a waitress came over

Recognizing Daisy by name

And introducing herself to me as Tanya

Tanya already knew Daisy's order

A loaded sundae--and I mean loaded

Surprising since Daisy is fervent

About watching her calories

And considering we'd just eaten

Granted all she'd had was a piece of lettuce

With some parsley sprinkled on top

I asked Tanya for onion rings

And the biggest burger they had

She smiled and asked if I wanted a beer with that

I liked her instantly

Daisy waited until the food came

Then she started talking

'He's seeing a woman.'

'Only seeing?'

'Not funny.'

'Sorry.'

She reached over and grabbed one of my onion rings

I wasn't entirely sure that she wasn't just a robot

Who had taken over my sister's identity

But then she started crying again

And I reached over and touched her hand

'Kick him out.'

'And then what?  The girls--'

'You want to teach them to stay with a man who cheats?'

'All men cheat.'

'Daisy--'

'It's true.  They all do.  They all cheat.'

'And puppies piss on the rug.  That's why you tap their nose with a newspaper.  In your case, I'd suggest a cleaver and something harder than a tap.'

'You're so crass.'

'And you're Momma.'

That made her cry again

Tanya came over

With an onion ring refill

And another beer

'Tanya, if a man cheated on you--'

'Dick off with a cleaver.'

'See what I'm saying?'

Daisy drove me back to the parking lot

We sat in the car for a few minutes

Then she unlocked my door

And looked at me

With a hard look

That she usually saves for the twins

When she catches them enjoying themselves

'You've done well for yourself, Cat

And I'm proud of you.

Well, not proud.

Envious.

But I guess that's no secret.

You knew you had to get out of here

The minute Momma popped  you out

And the rest of us...

We got the message a little late.

But not all of us are Magpie.

Not all of us can just take off

When things get rough.

Some of us stick with what we were handed.

And hope that we'll be rewarded for it

And some greater way.

They say God helps those who helps themselves

But I don't believe you help anybody by running

I got two girls who love and depend on me

And I got a good-for-nothing husband

Who in two more years

Is going to be worth much more than he's worth now

And if I were to get rid of him now

The wife after me would get half of that

Or none of it

Depending on whether she was stupid enough

To sign the pre-nup I never had to.

Now give me a hug

And go change out of that dress.

I know it's making you crazy.'

I thought certain things about people

I thought housewives were people

Who were too stupid or not ambitious enough

To join the general workforce

I thought women who stayed with cheating husbands

Were hoping that their spouses would change

Or that the problem would just go away

And I looked down on them for it

I thought my sister was one of those women

I thought she was everything about women

That I couldn't stand

That I abhorred

And apparently I was wrong

What do you know?

. . . . .

The first time I wore a dress

After the night at the diner

Was for Hubert's birthday party

The big five-oh

Magpie had shown up

After a prolonged absence

With a grown-up son

And a very happy marriage

To someone who was not Tate

Lee came with John

Much to Daisy's dismay

Much more so to Momma's

Until Lee revealed that John's family

Is much, much richer than ours

Money cures all social woes

Apparently Hat Trick hadn't worked out

But John's family's stocks did

And now he and Lee were living the good life

John's sister sent her best wishes

Daisy was also doing well for herself

Her husband had made much more money

Than even she had anticipated

And it had allowed her to leave earlier as well

Momma now had two divorced daughters

And one who was a matrimonial atheist

For those reasons

We weren't allowing her near any sharp knives

Celebrating Hubert's birth

Was a bit like an afterthought

Since Hubert was always the quietest

Pretty much an afterthought to every family event

And family squabble as far back as I could remember

We brought out the cake

Candles all lit

And sang the birthday song

Clapping our hands when it was done

Then Hubert stood

'I'd like to say something'

We all sat down

More out of shock

Than anything else

I honestly couldn't remember

The last time I heard Hubert form a sentence

I remember the dress I was wearing

A high-end number

Given to me by an Austrian businessman

Who had hoped he could bed me

After I operated on his daughter

He wasn't so lucky

But I kept the dress

'Thank you all for coming tonight.

I know you have busy lives.

Families.

People you love.

And who love you.

I'm not a man of many words

As you all know.

But I just wanted to let you know...

That I'm...

I'm...'

He started to shake

And Momma rushed over to him

Daisy was right behind her

Lee and I just looked at each other

Magpie put her hand over her eyes

Probably wishing she had stayed away

Momma took Hubert up to bed

Then came back down

And let us in on the family secret

That she'd been keeping

For the past year

'He's sick.

Very sick.

He's glad you all came back.

Because he might not be here

For another birthday.

So thank you.

But I'm very tired.

And he's already sleeping.

So everybody should drive safe

And go home.'

Ever the hostess

She went to get our coats

We all sat in stunned silence

Except Daisy

Who probably already knew

Not because Momma told her

But because she's right below Hubert on the totem pole

And could probably sense

That the time had come

For her to rise up to the top

I went upstairs

And walked into Hubert's room

He was laying in bed

But I knew he wasn't sleeping

I figured I had a few minutes

Before Momma came hunting for me

'Were you trying to sneak in here, Wildcat?'

'I don't sneak in anywhere.'

'You sure don't.  Not with those heavy feet.'

'I suppose not.'

'What'd you come in here for?  A fancy speech?'

'No, I'm not much for speeches.'

'Good, because I don't have one.'

'Good.'

'Good.'

I sat next to my big brother's bed

We didn't speak

We just sat

I sat there in that dress

And stared at my brother

Until I knew he was asleep

And then

And only then

Did I let myself entertain the possibility

That I might never see him this peaceful again

. . . . .

The first time I wore a dress

After Hubert's somber birthday party

Was at my mother's funeral

A few years later

It was very different from my father's funeral

Not as many strangers

Just family

And friends of family

My dress was still uncomfortable

And my siblings teased me about it

How I squirmed and scratched

I allowed it

Because I knew we all needed something

To laugh about

Before she died

My mother and I still weren't very close

But I used to go to her in the hospital

And read to her from the tabloids

Somewhere in there

We developed a simple but satisfactory friendship

That made me very happy

I sat with my siblings

While our respective loved ones

Sat behind and around us

Waiting

To see if we'd need them

Lee held my hand

While John and his sister looked on

We whispered jokes to each other

Because we knew it would have driven Momma crazy

And it just wouldn't be a day with her

Without driving her a little crazy

Magpie had her arm around my shoulder

Her husband and son were there

We would all be attending her son's wedding

A few months later

Where Daisy had ordered all windows

Nailed shut

Daisy was shooting me looks

But I knew that was only because

She considered herself my mother now

And that was just fine with me

Her new husband was there

And both her girls look fantastic

One of them was studying medicine

But I honestly can't remember which

Still it thrilled me to no end

Hubert had beat the odds

He was still with us

And doing quite well

He had started seeing a very nice woman

And she was there in support of him

Daisy had offered to let him move in with her

When he called to tell me that

We both laughed for almost ten minutes

I sat there in my dress

Knowing it would be the last time I wore one

I'd wear a pantsuit to my nephew's wedding

And that would be fine

Right now

I'm just Crazy Auntie Wildcat

And I love that title more than you can know

I don't mind wearing dresses anymore

But my brothers and sisters don't care if I do

They're happy to have me there

In whatever I happen to be wearing

As long as I'm happy

And comfortable

And with them

I think of that while I'm slipping out of my dress that night

And into a nice, hot bath

Sipping wine

And thinking of Momma

'Why did I give birth to such foolishness?'

Cheers