I am convinced of that
In the morning
When bright daylight
Is streaming through windows
That are not yours
There is no god
Some would say the daylight
Reminds you of majestic beauty
But when it hits a body
The body of someone
Whose name you don't remember
And you're more than slightly hung-over
The light just seems harsh
And cruel
And there is no god
I stopped capitalizing god
When I turned fifteen
By sixteen I had stopped believing
By twenty I had stopped caring
And when my dad asked me to leave his house
Which wasn't sure a tragedy
Considering I was two days from twenty-one
I was convinced that anything was possible
But God
He believes that Annabelle is with god
I believe Annabelle might be somewhere
That is her soul might be somewhere
But if it is, it's not with god
My sister was not one for deities
She'd be with our grandmother
And Marilyn Monroe
And probably Mack
But not Michael
Because she hated Michael
And I doubt death changed that
She didn't even know Olivia
Olivia was just in the car
Because she was dating Michael
But she went to another school
A private school across town
Because her parents are snobs
Or they were snobs
They started going on vacations after the accident
And nobody's seen them since
My sister is not with god
And my father won't accept that
He imagines her seated at the right hand
Of some almighty being
Like she's the Princess of Lithuania
Or something
He has a photo of her on the mantle
The photo is doctored
So that bright yellow light
Appears to be literally pouring out of her
I say it makes her look like she has jaundice
And that Annabelle would kill him
If she knew he did that with her class photo
And I get nasty looks
And cold shoulders
As religious men go
My father is notably quiet
When he's home
When he's out in public
He becomes a soapbox hero
Never shutting up for a second
He used to love talking to the reporters
Back when there were reporters
Now they only show up
When they want to do a retrospective piece
Which isn't often
Some author who won an award
Is writing a book about the whole thing
The car accident
The drunk
The car full of innocent kids
I want to audition whoever plays me
And I'm hoping Justin Chatwin shows up
I tell my father this
More nasty looks
More cold shoulders
And a harrumph
Who harrumphs anymore?
One of the reporters
Back when there were reporters
One of them asked me
If I thought my sister was an angel
'I don't know'
I said
'Can bitches be angels?'
I meant it in a loving way
But they didn't get that
I never got quoted anywhere
Except on a gay guy's t-shirt in Miami
How my quote got to Miami
When I'm still stuck in this lousy town
Is both beyond me and unspeakably unfair
I didn't stop believing in god
Because of what happened to Annabelle
If anything
Annabelle dying would have been the last chance
That god would have had
To convince me of the being's existence
I felt myself faltering in my disbelief
Because losing my sister
Seemed like something
That ONLY an omnipotent being was capable of
Only something that can make tornados
And viruses
And iguanas
Could possibly think up a cruel twist of fate
Like taking my sister
No human or natural entity
Could shake up a world so much
With one drunk driver
And a telephone pole
It was like a magic trick
One minute life was horrible
And the next minute it was surreal
There was fog
And then there was just darkness
And light of any kind
Never appeared
But then I realized that Annabelle being killed
Was proof that nothing is determined in this world
Without direct human interaction
Without actual contact
If god had wanted Annabelle to come up and chill
Then god just would have sent a flash flood
A car accident?
How trivial
I was kicked out of my house
On a Sunday
Which I find humorous
Because I came home that morning
Smelling like alcohol
And whatever else
And my Dad asked me where I had been
And I said--
'I wish I could tell you
But I don't remember his name.'
No nasty look
No cold shoulder
No harrumph
He just looked at me
And said--
'Get out of this house.'
And that was it
My mother can argue with him
About remodeling the kitchen
About forgetting oil changes
About talking to the press
But when it comes to me
She gives up
She looked at me
After the banishment
And said--
'Don't you even remember?'
And then--
'Don't you even remember
That it's been five years?'
And I didn't
And I didn't care
And I left
I walked for a long time
Because I didn't have a car
I couldn't take the car I'd been using
Because it was in my Dad's name
And he would probably just report it stolen
I walked to the telephone pole
And I sat down in the spot
Where my sister stopped being Annabelle
And became a painful memory
Or a political cause
Or a marriage destroyer
Or a saint
Or a martyr
Or a photograph
Or an angel
Depending on how you want to look at it
I sat there
In that spot
And I heard someone's voice behind me
I turned to see Mr. Harper
The man who drove the car
That killed my sister
And three others
Standing with flowers
And looking surprised
To see anyone else there
He had mumbled something
But he didn't repeat what he said
He just waited for me to move
Which I did
And he knelt down in the spot
And put his flowers in front of him
I heard him saying something
Which I assumed was a prayer
And I stood there
Waiting for him to finish
Although I wasn't sure why
It's an impossible thing
The way we all bump into each other
How we impact
How we confront
How we converge
It's impossible
Because we all secretly know
That we're dangerous to each other
That we have the potential
To do so much damage
That it would make more sense
To just stay home
And lock the door
And yet we go out
And we drink
And we speed
And we try to eradicate ourselves
And in the process
We are preserved
And others are taken away
And we call it god
We call coincidence god
We call accidents god
We call miracles god
We file it all under the same heading
In the hopes that we can contain it
Even as we claim that's not possible
A part of me feels relief
Standing next to Paul Harper
Seeing the spot where his car
Took away the possibility of my sister
Because the thought of her continuing to be
Continuing to try and avoid those other cars
The thought of her trying to avoid that danger
Or choose to throw herself headfirst into it
And hope it would miss her
Would be more anxiety than I could bear
Maybe that's why my Dad doesn't look upset
And never did
Maybe as a parent that's all you worry about
And once you don't have to anymore
You feel that you failed
But the disappointment and devastation
Eclipses the worry
Worrying about others
Was never something I could handle
I'd see Annabelle sneak out at night
And I couldn't fall back to sleep
I guess I always knew that one night
She wouldn't come back
Paul finished praying and stood up
He looked at me
And then looked down
Then he spoke
'You could have prayed with me'
'I don't pray'
'Why not?'
'Who would I pray to?'
'God'
'Not interested.'
'Okay'
'Okay'
We didn't speak
A car went by
Cars still go by that spot
Isn't that funny?
I find it funny
I said--
'My sister was god.'
'Was she?'
'I thought so. She was pretty and she was smart and she stood up for me when my Dad was being a dick.'
'I'm sorry.'
'I don't need an apology. You couldn't help yourself.'
'I could have. I had a lot to drink.'
'I drink too. I do lots of stuff. I could crash into someone tomorrow.'
'That's not all right to say.'
'Maybe it's not, but it's true. I could be you. I could be my father too. I could hate you. Or I could preach and yell and embrace the possibility of god.'
'But you don't?'
'I don't do any of it.'
'So what do you do?'
I looked down at his flowers
I looked back in the direction I had come from
Back where my house was
Back where the photos were
Back where I couldn't be forgiven
'I remember that she was here. That it was possible for someone like her to be here. Amongst us. And that if it was possible for someone to be that good, than I can be that good too. Or at least, that someone can.'
Paul nodded his head
And then took out a cigarette
He offered me one
But I shook my head
I didn't expect him to say more
But then--
'Do you need a ride anywhere?'
'No.'
'Okay.'
And he took off
I didn't tell him I forgive him
Because that's not up to me
It's really up to him
I don't believe my sister cares
Annabelle never held onto anything that long
I think my Dad cares
And I think all the other parents care
And maybe other people too
But I don't
I don't care
My sister was here
And now she's not
It's a human thing
It's not god
She was god
Mack was god
He used to play video games with me
When he came over
And he'd never let me win
I respected that
Michael was god
Even though I agreed with my sister
That he was a giant dick
Who wore stupid shoes
His Dad hugged me at the funeral
When my Dad was too much of a mess
To comfort anyone
His Dad hugged me and didn't let go
He didn't care who saw him
Offering this young boy comfort
And the product of a man like that
Must have had some god in him
Olivia might have been god
I didn't know her
But I've seen tons of photos of her
And she had a great smile
And she wanted to be a speech therapist
Which is cool
Even if it never would have happened
I still like to think
That she's god
And my Dad is god
Even though he hates me
His hate is just his fear
That he lost one kid
And got the other one wrong
But he coached my little league team
And there's a photo of him holding me
When I was just a baby
Looking at me like I was paradise
In that photo
Dad was god
There is no god
But there is possibility
There's a world of it
As people say
And for me
That's enough
My sister was here
Someone that cool
Was here on this earth
To me
That's godly
I don't believe in god
But I believe in what god is supposed to mean
You can believe in the adjective
If the noun seems implausible
Or simply unnecessary
I know what people mean
When they say god
And I believe
That was Annabelle
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