"The Bottom Two Drawers Are Yours"
The bottom two
Those are yours
And the cupboard
Above the oven
In the kitchen
That's yours too
Use the blue towels
The green ones are mine
The garlic salt is mine
But you can use it
When you make sauce
If you want to
Your movies are in the living room
Mine are in the bookcase
Luckily, we don't own books
So there was plenty of room
This is the arrangement
These are the terms
This is how things are now
Do you understand that?
Don't look at me like that
I'm not the bad guy here
I'm not the one who makes this necessary
Do you think I don't get
How absolutely ridiculous this is?
I'm aware
But this is what has to happen
So it's happening
And we need to deal with it
The bottom two
Those are yours
Blue towels
Garlic powder
These are the conditions
Do you understand?
The kids won't notice
That's the wonderful thing about children
They're oblivious
And I don't care what the shrinks say
Kids think everything is fine
Because they want to
Because they need to
They're a lot like wives in that way
As long as we put on a good show
They'll keep being happy
It's only for a few years
Five with Tad
Seven with Lulu
Then we're done
Then you can move out
Then I can have my drawers back
I've worked out a situation with the bed
A sleeping arrangement
You might say
Short of getting us bunk beds
It was the best I could come up with
Twin mattresses
Put together
Side by side
We can't sleep in separate rooms
Because we don't have that many rooms
Plus the kids would notice that
So we'll just sleep side by side
And I'll try not to roll over in the night
Strangle you with my bare hands
And then fall back to sleep
Okay?
Don't tell me what this is
Don't tell me what this should be
Don't tell me about marriage
And what we promised
We're past that now
The only people I keep promises to now
Are my two children
And once my promise to them
Has been fulfilled
I'm out of here
So don't think you're getting any bonus time
For good behavior
We will not be having sex
If you want to have sex
Go have it with someone else
I don't want to know about it
But I don't particularly care if it happens
Me?
Oh Ray
Honey, I'm a woman
I can go years without sex
I'm like a camel when I want to be
Men are the ones
Who have to have their tank refilled
Every week
Or break down on the side of the road
From now on
You're self-sufficient
I'm cooking enough
For me and the kids
You eat whatever you can scrounge up
I don't care if you live off Spam and peanut butter
For the next seven years
From now on
You're making your side of the bed
You're washing your own clothes
You're ironing your own shirts
It's all on you from now
I'm sure the kids won't pick up on it
I'll just tell them Daddy is trying to learn
How to be a real human being
With responsibilities and chores
Rather than the third child
Mommy never wanted
Me?
Oh, I'll find something to do
Maybe I'll get around to watching
All those movies on the bookcase
Maybe I'll shop for myself again
Maybe I'll stop driving by that woman's house
And not drive my car into it
Maybe
Maybe not
Really
Who can say?
Yes, I know where she lives
Yes, I've driven by it
Not such a nice neighborhood, is it?
You must have been so terrified
Leaving your new car
Yet another symbol of your mid-life bullshit crisis
Parked outside
So vulnerable
Let me be clear about one thing
You're staying here
I don't want you here
But you're staying
Because my children
. . . . .
Because our children
Need you here
So you're staying
And if I find out
That you've parked your car
In that shitty neighborhood again
I'll take the kids
And the garlic powder
And the whole damn dresser
And you'll never see any of us again
Do you understand?
The what?
Divorce?
Oh
Forget that
That's a long way off
You don't have to worry about that, Ray
That's not your concern just yet
Your only concern
Are those two drawers
As long as anything and everything that is you
Stays in the bottom two drawers
We'll get along just fine
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