If Your Life Was a TV Show, This Is How Your Heartache Would Go

I got a better offer
From another network
To do this show--
To carry, um
My own show

I got the offer
And I felt--

Ugh--I mean--timing!

Because, we were just--

The producers and I
We had just talked about
This storyline
Where I was going to leave my person
That guest actor they've put me with
For the past few years
And you were going to leave your person
Because the ratings suck
And it was a stupid idea to put you with him anyway
And they were going to start moving us back together
And then--

I got the offer

And I went to Dan, the producer
And I said--

'Dan, there's an offer'

And I told him
I told him about it
And he said--

'Take the offer.  It's a really good offer.'

And I knew that
I knew
It was a really good offer
But all these plans
For the new storyline
That I was really excited about
Were just gonna--

--And Dan said, 'We'll have you go to grad school.  In California.  That'll work.  Maybe you can come home for the Christmas special every year or something, but at least that'll get you off the show right away.'

Forget that it's September
And if I was going to go to grad school
I would be IN grad school already
Television producers rarely worry about logic
And surprisingly enough
Audiences rarely do too
And you--

I mean, we're characters
We're characters on this show
We don't think
We don't think about anything
We don't put two-and-two together
We don't wonder how people always get pregnant in May
And then don't give birth until the following May

If you're a tv character
Your birth cycle
Most closely resembles
An elephant

But when you get an offer
Like I got
They take you out of your...daze, I guess you'd call it
And suddenly you're aware
Of all these things
You weren't aware of before
But nobody else is
And you can't say anything
Because that would be breaking contract so--

So nobody was really mad at me or anything
That I was going to leave
Dan understood, and the network wants to bring on this new guy anyway
To, like, romance you
He's supposed to be really good
And so it should have been fine
But then...

I had to play the scene

The scene where I tell you...

Where I tell you I'm leaving and...

...And I didn't want to do it

I mean, I wanted to say good-bye to you, obviously
I didn't just want to go and not say anything
But thinking about playing that scene
After all these seasons--years--whatever
It just seemed...

But I had to do it

Dan was like, 'You have to do it.  You have to do the scene.  You should WANT to do the scene.  You could win an Emmy for that scene.  Besides, the ratings?  I mean, you owe us that.  You owe us that scene.'

So...I had to play the scene

And it was...

Because even though, for me, it was acting
It wasn't acting for you
And so, for me
It became--not acting

So when you told me...

They didn't expect you
To offer
To go with me

They didn't think you would say that

I mean, they hadn't even phased out your other love interest yet
The new guy had just showed up
And you were clearly interested in him as well
And you and I have barely had any screen time together
Not counting the last few weeks
And so they figured you would just give me a hug
And cry a little bit
And I'd walk off
And they'd play the music
That you can't hear
Because you don't have the audio implant
But we do
So we can time our exits properly
And you had so many reasons
So many reasons to stay
I mean, they constructed it that way
They plan for these things
They set this shit up
So you never ever get to leave

They give you all these storylines
With opportunities
And possibilities
And they don't expect you
To just chuck it all
And say, 'No, I actually want to be with you and I don't care about anyone else.'

I mean, how...

How could you love me that much?

I'm just a lousy actor
On a tv show
Who cares more about fame
Than he does about anything or anyone else
In his whole life

But you said--I'll go with you

...And I didn't know what to do

And then, of course
They're in my head
In the audio
Telling me what to say
And I'm trying to listen to you
So you don't suspect anything
And trying to listen to the audio
But I don't like what they're saying
And I'm saying some of the code words
To let them know I don't like what they're saying
But they keep telling me to stick to the script
And say what they tell me to say
What the writers are writing
In that very minute
With very little editing
And I'm under contract
And people are watching
And you're holding onto me
And--

I say something that makes all the sense in the world
And doesn't make any sense at all

I say 'I love you too.  And you can't come with me.'

And even though I thought
In that moment
That what I said
Made absolutely no sense

You nodded

You understood

You let me go

And I left

And now I'm on Sunday nights
Played a lawyer named Jon Stopp
Who dates a mortician named Evelyn Geaux
And yes, it is called 'Stopp and Geaux'

And we're pretty popular
Amongst people who are, you know, close to death
We soothe them

But your show...

Your show isn't doing too good

You did break up with the guy you were dating
But that new guy they brought on to romance you didn't work out
You weren't interested
They couldn't even manipulate you into hanging out with him
And so eventually they just had him die in a motorcycle accident

They tried other love interests
But when it became clear that you didn't care about dating anymore
They made the show more of a workplace drama
And focused only on your career

Then you stopped going to work
And now...

It's like you want to be cancelled

At least that's what everybody's saying

You're boring now
You're inactive
It's like tv suicide

Except...

Sometimes I turn on the tv
When I know you'll be on
And I turn to your channel
And there you are
Looking right at the camera

Right at...

And every once in awhile
You sort of...smile
And nod your head a little

And this time when you nod
It's like you're saying--

I know you're out there
I know you're out there and...

...And come back

But I can't

Because I'm under a five-year contract
And I'm making tons of cash
And they're even talking about getting me into some movies now and...

...And I miss you like a show I used to watch all the time

Something you think you stopped loving
When really, you just...
Stopped paying attention to it
Because you didn't realize
That it wasn't just some silly part of your life
It was...something that meant a lot to you

I sit on my couch
And I look at you
Looking at the camera
And I know there's no way
For you to know that I'm out here
Looking back at you

But...

I bet you know

I bet you know I'm out here
Watching
I--I hope you do, at least

And because of that
I can never seem
To change the channel