The Diner Menu

Here's what we're working with today:

You can have the egg sandwich on toast
You cannot have the egg sandwich on an English muffin
Because we're out of English muffins

We are also out of croissants
Because Mr. Stone never orders croissants
Because he doesn't like how you're supposed to pronounce them
Without the hard 'r'

You can get the Western sandwich on toast
But not on the English muffin or the croissant
For the reasons I've already mentioned

You can get an egg sandwich
With bacon, but not with ham or sausage like it says
Because we're out of ham and sausage
And because of that
Your Western sandwich might not actually be a Western sandwich
Because I've never actually had anybody order a Western sandwich
But if it includes ham or sausage
Then you can't really have a Western sandwich

You can get pancakes
But just pancakes
No fruit
We're out of fruit

All fruit

The orange juice doesn't count
But if you want orange pancakes
I can pour some of the juice over your flapjacks
I can and will do the same with apple juice
But it'll cost you more
I don't know how much more
I decide as I go
With that sort of thing

Do not order French toast
This is not France
This is Chicago

You want French toast
You figure out how to make it
And Mr. Stone might let you back there in the kitchen
So he can beat the shit out of you
For asking for French toast
You got that?

Nod--good.

There's the Stone Special
I have no idea what it is
And if I were you
I wouldn't order it
Because every time somebody orders the Stone Special
Mr. Stone throws a cooking utensil at whoever it is that ordered it
And yes, I can appreciate the irony there

Do not order Eggs Benedict
Do not order a poached egg
Do not order an omelet

Get the simplest thing you possibly can
And then eat quickly
Pay with cash
And leave a nice tip

Thank you for coming to Stone's diner
I'll be back in five to take your order
And I would urge you not to look too closely at any of your silverware
As I doubt it's been cleaned in the past two weeks