Maybe Because It's Christmas

I'm still addicted to screwing things up
I've kicked all the other habits
But that one hangs around

So I'm looking at my phone
Your number
That picture I have of you
Smirking
How does a smirk look so damn good on someone?

So I'm going to call you
And I don't know why
Maybe 'cause it's Christmas

Maybe because I'm an idiot
Maybe because the last time we talked--
Where we left it, I--

I'm not a good person
I mean, I sometimes do nice things, but overall--

Bad, so--

So I'm looking at my phone
Like it's a box I'm going to open
A box with either a snake in it
Or, you know, forgiveness

That's how you know forgiveness is so precious
Because you have to reach your hand in to grab it
Not knowing if you're going to get bitten instead

You have no idea where I am
But right now, I'm at a train station
One or two people next to me
Everybody going somewhere and me just--

Just wondering what's next

And I have this image in my head
Of you sitting in front of a tree
With people around you
Not like the people around me

Happy people
People with presents
And smiles
And godawful sweaters

And I'm outside looking in
While the snow comes down

Poor me, right?

Poor, poor me
 All alone on Christmas

...So I'm going to dial your number

And I'm going to get voicemail
Because you're at work
And I know that
And that's why I'm calling now
Instead of actually growing a set
And calling you when I know you'll answer

So I'm going to call you
And I'm going to wish you a Merry Christmas
And I am not going to ask for forgiveness
Because your voicemail can't forgive me
And even if it could, I'm not sure that's what this should be about

I feel like...

Like I should just say that if you're going to do something for me
What you should do is...

Have a wonderful Christmas
With all those people
In those awful sweaters

And just know that all I want this year
Is to know you're doing okay

I'm a bad person
But you, you're--

You're the star on the tree, you know?

Maybe this'll be the year I finally get my shit together
And make myself somebody worth forgiving

Maybe next year my phone'll ring
And it'll be you calling me
Saying 'Come home, you idiot.
I miss you.'

All kinds of weird shit could happen

That's what makes it Christmas, right?

Kids get presents
And adults get second chances

So I'm looking at my phone
Staring at that smirk
Thinking about Santa
And saying to myself--

Maybe you called out sick to work today
To get some last minute shopping done

And maybe the snake won't bite

And maybe this year
I can be the guy
Standing next to you
Under the tree