Hold My Calls

If you want to know

What I’m looking for

It’s this—

It’s to connect

To listen to the person

You’re—

One sec

Hold my calls, Chris

Can you hold my calls?
Thanks

Thanks so much

Chris is great

Have you met Chris?

Maybe on the way in?

Did he smile at you?
I'm always telling him to smile

He has this weird tooth

And it makes him self-conscious

I had Jonathan before Chris
He was with me for awhile

He’s in Marketing now

Jonathan was fantastic

Went to marketing

And it was like—I mean, he just took off

Like a rocket

It was—I was so proud

Not that he doesn’t deserve to take credit

For his own accomplishments

But to go from assistant

To marketing

I mean, that doesn’t happen

That just—it never happens

It just doesn’t

Now—

Chris, sorry

I know I told you

To hold my calls

But if Allison from Seattle calls

I am going to need to take that

So you can put her through

But nobody else

Okay?

Thanks Chris

Chris is great

Chris just—

I don’t even need to tell him

Half the time
What it is I—I—you know

What I’m looking for

What I need him to, you know, do

Chris?

Could I get a potato?
Just a potato

Like, just to chew on

I don’t know

Any potato really

I forget what kinds there are

Maybe bring me a couple of potatoes

And I’ll see which one looks the best

You know, the most, um, um—Uh—

Appetizing

Thanks Chris

Love Chris

Love him

He’s great

He’s not Jonathan

But Jonathan is—

You only get one Jonathan in your life

That’s what you learn

That’s what you learn in this business

The Jonathan’s are few and far between

And before Jonathan it was Tailor

Spelled with an ‘I’

Like the guy who takes in suits

I don’t know why he spelled it that way

But I thought it was cute

He was cute

We had sex a few times

Not here though

Not in the office

That would be—

Once in the conference room

Just once

But it was after hours

And this was before he was my assistant

It was while we were still in the interview stage

So that might’ve made it even worse

But that was also during a lapse of professionalism

Which tends to happen a few times a year

Usually when I’m about to hire a new assistant

It happened with Tailor and Chris

But not with Jonathan

Because Jonathan was very professional

And that’s why I had him transferred to marketing

Because at a certain point

All that professionalism

Just becomes exhausting, you know?

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Chris?

Do you remember Jonathan?
Did you ever meet him?
He’s in marketing now

And I won’t let you go there

Because you might run into him

And I don’t want you two

Comparing notes about me

Also, I’m not sure his name was really Jonathan
It’s just what I called him

I always loved the name Jonathan

The first man I ever loved was named Jonathan

He was a fisherman

Although he didn’t own a boat

And I always thought that was odd

But when you live in a land-locked state

Nobody really owns boats

But you don’t see a lot of fishermen either

So what are you doing here?

Oh right, you’re interviewing

To replace Chris

Once I transfer him

To Accounting

He’s a wonderful assistant

I’m just tired of hearing him

Accuse me of sexual harassment

Chris?  Have you filed that report yet
With HR?

Well, let me know when you do

So I can file my own report

…But if you could wait to file your report

Until I’m ready

That would be great

I should have mine all set

By next Wednesday

But I would like to have sex with you

A few more times before then

If that’s all right?

Chris?

Chris?

I think he went to lunch

Sometimes he does that

When he needs to cry in the stall
And scroll through job listings online

I get it, you know?
I so get it

Now—let’s talk about your resume

I gotta tell you

I’m looking at you

And I’m nodding

And I’m smiling

And I’m thinking…

We could be a really
Good

Team