A Day Off

(A store.  MONICA is working behind the counter.  DEREK enters.)

DEREK:  Hey Monica?

MONICA:  Yes?

DEREK:  I got your time off slip--

MONICA:  Yeah, I know it’s silly to put it in so far in advance--

DEREK:  No, I appreciate that, really.

MONICA:  Just wanted to do it because otherwise it’s, like, the day of and I realize that I forgot and I’m all--Ahhh--you know?

DEREK:  Yeah, the thing is, I’m not sure I can give you the day off.

MONICA:  Oh.

DEREK:  Yeah, it’s--

MONICA:  What?

DEREK:  Huh?

MONICA:  What do you mean you can’t give it to me off?  Are we even going to be open?

DEREK:  We are, but we’re going to be really short-staffed.

MONICA:  Who else is working that day?

DEREK:  Well, there’s you and, uh--

MONICA:  Are you planning on coming in?

DEREK:  No, I will, uh, I will not be doing that.

MONICA:  Derek.

DEREK:  Yes, Monica?

MONICA:  It’s the Purge.

DEREK:  I’m aware of that.

MONICA:  I don’t think you--

DEREK:  I’m aware of that, Monica, but corporate wants us open that day.

MONICA:  Who’s going to be shopping at Banana Republic during the Purge?

DEREK:  People might need pants.

MONICA:  Pants for what?  Murdering and looting?

DEREK:  People sometimes tear their pants when they’re, you know, murdering and--whatever.

MONICA:  And looting.

DEREK:  Right, that.

MONICA:  So you want me to work here all by myself while people are out there just--just--

DEREK:  Monica, when I was a Sales Associate, I had to work the Purge.  It’s just part of the job.

MONICA:  How did you survive?

DEREK:  I played dead for most of the shift.  Although there are rules against doing that now.  The regional manager doesn’t think it’s professional.

MONICA:  I could die.

DEREK:  It’s not as if you can’t defend yourself.  And the store.  Don’t forget to defend the store.  If possible, defend the store first, and then yourself.  If possible.  Try to make that possible though.

MONICA:  Derek, how am I supposed to get here?  They don’t run the bus on Purge Day.

DEREK:  Monica, when you took this job, you said you reliable transportation.

MONICA:  Normally, I do but--

DEREK:  You’ll just have to get a ride from someone else.

MONICA:  No one is going to be crazy enough to go to the mall on Purge Day.  Nobody’s going to even want to go outside.  There’s no way we’re going to have any customers.

DEREK:  Probably not, but in the event that we do, we need to be prepared.  Now, there’s a baseball bat we can give you that we keep in the back for when we do the annual Banana Republic vs. Baby Gap softball game.

MONICA:  It’s plastic.

DEREK:  Of course it is.  We don’t want you hurting anyone.  The last thing we need is a lawsuit.

MONICA:  You can’t sue someone who hurts you during a Purge.  Usually you just murder them so they can’t come and find you during the next Purge.

DEREK:  Then I guess you’d better swing that plastic bat really hard, huh?

MONICA:  Can’t I just quit?

DEREK:  I don’t know.  Can you?

MONICA:  No, I really need this job.

DEREK:  Then it looks like you’re going to have to suit up and show up, Monica.  Just like the poster in the break room says.

MONICA:  FIne.

(A beat.)

Where are you going?

DEREK:  What?

MONICA:  During the Purge.  Are you going anywhere special?

DEREK:  Oh, uh, well--I won’t be far.  You know, in case you need me.

MONICA:  You’re going to go kill those guys at Baby Gap for beating us last year at the softball game, aren’t you?

DEREK:  Monica, don’t worry about the folks at Baby Gap, just worry about your performance here.  You’re up for a review in a month.  Provided you’re still alive then.

MONICA:  Just make sure you get the guy with the weird tooth who hit a homerun on me.

DEREK:  Monica!

(A beat.)

Clearly that’s the first person I’m going after.

MONICA:  Good call, boss.

DEREK:  Hey!  No boss here.  Just Derek, remember?  We’re buds, right?

MONICA:  Right.

DEREK:  Right!  Gosh Monica, I really hope you don’t die.  It’s so hard to find anybody you can count on these days.

(He exits.  MONICA sighs.  Lights.)