Why We Want to Buy Your House

We want to buy your house

Because there are

No other houses

I don’t know if you’ve looked around

For a house

I’m assuming you have

Since you’re selling this one

And you’ll need to live somewhere

But around here?

No houses

So we’re trying to buy your house

Because your house

Is one of five available

And the other four

Are either made out of cardboard

Or they’re actually a dollhouse

In the toy section of Target

To be clear

We do not actually like your house

Your house is the furthest thing

From our dream house

My girlfriend and I could imagine

But we need a house

And you have a house

And you’re selling it

And our real estate agent told us

That despite your house being

Pardon the expression--

A broken down Port-a-Potty

On top of a toxic waste dump

--Your house is in demand

I once went to a gay bar

With a straight man

And not one of the rare

Desirable straight men

But just a straight man

Who went with me

Because I needed someone

To go with

And he wanted to get in my pants

Even though we were just friends

So I took this straight man

To a gay bar

He wore a Phish t-shirt

With holes in it

Bermuda shorts

And flip flops

And that night

There were seven bachelorette parties

At the gay bar

And that slob was sought after

By every drunk girl in that bar

That’s your house

Your house is the straight man

In the gay bar

None of those women

Actually wanted my friend

He was just there

And your house is just there

And my agent tells me

That I need to write you a letter

Explaining to you

Why I want your house

And I need to state my case

Because every other person

Is willing to pay for your shithole in cash

And I can’t do that

So this is my letter

Assuring you I will take

Very good care of your home

When really I’m just going to raze it

The minute all the ink is dry

So I can build a better house

On the land that’s there

I’m hoping honesty

Will score me some points here

Because I don’t have it in me to lie to you

Whoever you are

The homeowner

Homeowner

A word I hate more and more

With each passing day of house-hunting

You are the person in power

I am powerless

Compared to you

And to everyone

Because I have no house to sell

I am a renter

I have a been a renter

But my girlfriend is a serious person

And she wants a serious life

And that means a house

And that means endless debt

And not only that--because I can deal with that

But with CHASING endless debt

COURTING endless debt

TRYING TO ROMANCE endless debt

I can get behind that

Because I have to

But what I can’t do

Is kiss your ass

In this letter

I cannot do it

So please reward me

With the gift

Of your disgusting house

So that I can demolish it

And put it out of its misery

Which, I promise you,

Is the nicest possible thing

I could do for that godawful building

You call a home

I look forward to hearing from you

And good luck to you

As you look for a new home

And may you never

Have to write a letter

Like this one