If You Lived Here, We Would Do Absolutely Nothing and Never See Each Other

I think that you think

That if you lived here

We would do stuff

And we would see each other

And we would be, like, everyday friends?

And I just need to let you know

That if you lived here

That would not happen

If you lived here,

We would do absolutely nothing

And never see each other

Not because I wouldn’t want to see you

But because I don’t see anyone I like

I don’t have time

For people I like

And I’m in such a bad mood

All the time

That even if I could carve out space

For people I was fond of

I wouldn’t want to see them

Because they would be getting

The literal worst version of me possible

I don’t do things

I mean, yes, I do things

But I do them with people

I’m dating

On dates

Because I have to date

Because I don’t want to be living

In this wretched city by myself

Because if you’re dating someone

And living here

Living here becomes ever so slightly

Less horrific

I mean, ever so slightly

Like barely noticeable

But see then

You have to have a partner

Who you have to do things with

And you were kind of cool

With not doing anything

With anyone

Because of your bad mood

And your endless work schedule

So now you’re giving the worst of yourself

To this person who thinks they’re in love with you

But really they’re just equally unwilling

To go through this hell we call life

Without someone at their side

Witnessing the horror

Like how people need to write about war

So we don’t forget it was bad

While all this would be going on

You and I would be playing phone tag

And making promises

And making plans

And breaking plans

And you would be just as miserable as I was

Because you would be living here

And you’d be trying to date

And keep plans with me

And want to just stay home all the time

And get takeout from a place you can’t afford

And, spoiler alert, you can’t afford takeout from anywhere

Unless you stiff the delivery driver on the tip

Which you do

But you feel bad about it

So it doesn’t count

And you smile really big at the guy

When he hands you the food

Which is meaningless

But not nothing

But not anything

And the person you’re dating

Asks if you tipped

And you say--

You’re the one working

At Schwaab and Fuckerton, asshole

Why don’t you pay for the takeout next time?

You think just because I’m living in this apartment

That means I have money?

Two people died in this apartment

And at night, the woman above me

Lets loose on her snare drum

While I wonder why I didn’t just

Buy a farm in Auckland

So…

Yeah, I mean, if you want to move

To the city

I can help you find a place

I just want you to have

Reasonable expectations

For what living here would be

Which is--terrible

And I am here for you

I support you

But in no way

Should you think of me

As any kind of, like, support system

That you can count in

In pretty much any situation

Let alone a crisis

Never call me in a crisis

I will hang up the phone

And block your number

But I love you

But I essentially don’t exist

As a human being anymore

I am a ghost

And unless you want to move

Into my haunted apartment

We are never going to see each other

And never going to do anything

And if we’re lucky

Both of us will find people we can date

Who will want to love us

For the angry ghosts we are

Sorry, that was just my way

Of saying ‘You’ll never believe it

But I think my apartment is haunted’

I don’t really know

How to start conversations anymore