Charlie's Girl Scout

Mr. Stamp liked the ginger snaps
Those were his favorite

The first time I went to his house
He bought out my entire supply

In girl scouts, we call that 'a live one'

Someone going through heartache
Or a mental breakdown
Is always good news
In the cookie business

I went back and told my troop leader
That I was going to be moving a lot more product
Than I initially thought
And we started coming up with a battle plan

That year, the troop that sold the most cookies
Was going to spend an entire week
In Miami

Second place troop got a plaque
And coupons to The Olive Garden

Clearly, I was not interested in second place

Mr. Stamp and I developed a certain rapport
After the first week of deliveries
And pretty soon, I was just calling him Charlie

I was at a junior high reading level
When I was seven years old
So I've always felt more comfortable
With adults than people my own age

I also have an incredible sense of empathy
Which is how I could tell exactly how deep Charlie's depression was
And how if I really wanted to keep the gravy train running
I was going to have to prepare for his wild mood swings
And how that would correlate
To his cookie cravings

It was on the day that he shifted to Thin Mints
That we actually had a conversation

He was sitting out on his front lawn
Sipping spiked ginger ale
From a sippy cup
And wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt
And a bathing suit

(I'd like to point out that Charlie did not own a pool
Nor did he live near a beach, lake, or pond.)

Clearly, he was a broken man

I'd never had an actual talk with him before
Because I don't make it a point to go into the houses of strange men
Especially not ones going through any sort of crisis

My cousin was once verbally harrassed
By a drunken carnie once
So I'm very sensitive
Towards that sort of thing

But, since he was already out on the front lawn
In full view of the neighborhood
And since he was the reason I was going to be spending
February break on a beach in Miami
I figured I owed it to him to lend an ear

So I opened a box of Shortbreads--on the house
And we had a little heart-to-heart

Apparently Charlie's wife had just left him
For his brother

I told him the same thing happened to my cousin
The one who had been harassed by the carnie
Except instead being left for her sibling
Her boyfriend left her for me
Which created quite a rift in our friendship

My family, like Charlie's, was fraught with scandal

Charlie asked me if I thought my cousin
Would ever forgive me
For stealing the love of her life

I told him that life was. presumably--long
And that she'd probably find another love
And then get over it

He said he hoped so
Because he didn't like hating his brother
Or his wife
And now he was even starting to hate himself

That's when I knew I wasn't going to be able
To sell him any more cookies

Oh sure, it would mean that while the Banville Scouts
Were sunning themselves like whales in Florida
I would eating unlimited salad and breadsticks at the Olive Garden
But sometimes doing the right thing
Is more important than getting the right tan

I told him he had to start getting out of the house
Put on clothes that didn't make him look like the guy who hangs outside the 7-11
And take a trip somewhere
Just not Miami because it's probably overrated anyway

'Life's funny,' I said--I got that one from a fortune cookie
And it always seems appropriate
No matter what the situation is

Then I poured his spiked ginger ale
Onto the grass
And went on my way

That's called tough love

My troop didn't win first place that year
In fact, we didn't even win second place
The girls from District Three did

Apparently someone in that troop's aunt found out her son was dropping out of college
And she ended up buying more product than our entire district combined

I was disappointed
But like the cookie said--Life's funny

A week after our troop won third
I got a letter in the mail
From Mr. Charlie Stamp
With two tickets in it
To Miami
And a note
Saying 'Thank you

I don't know how he found out about what I gave up for him
But I was glad that he seemed to appreciate my advice

I ended up giving the tickets to my cousin
So she and my aunt could go to Miami

I figured she needed the trip more than I did
And I was beginning to miss her
Plus she's had a hard life

Besides, who wants to see the District Three girls
Stretched out on a beach
Like a bunch of overturned horseshoe crabs

Not this girl

My cousin came back with a nice new tan
And a forgiving heart

And for that, I thank Mr. Charlie Stamp
Wherever he is

Charlie's Cab Driver

The first thing I want to tell you
Is that he left me a nice tip
And a 'thank you' note
In the backseat

That's the only time anybody's ever left me
A 'thank you' note

So when you told me he died
And asked me to say a few words
Well, here's why I'm saying 'em

Because even though I only drove him
Twenty blocks
To some wedding
I can still say for a fact
That he was a real good guy

Because sometimes you know
Sometimes you just know

When he got in the cab
And told me he was going to a church
I said--confession, wedding, mass or funeral?

He said 'Wedding'
And that explained
Why he looked like
He was in a bad mood

'Who's getting married,' I asked
'My ex-wife,' he said

Geez, I thought

I thought
But I didn't say it

I didn't say that the only thing I ever invited my ex-husband to
Was a bonfire
Inside of his '98 Pontiac

He used to groom that car
Like it was a rare gorilla

I asked him how it came to be
That he was invited
To the wedding of his ex-wife
And he said it's cause she was marrying his brother

Can you believe that?

A Shakespearian tragedy
Right there in my cab

I said I was sorry
But then he just laughed
And said 'Life's funny, you know?'
And I said 'Yeah, it sure is'

We drove along for a little bit
Without saying anything

He was looking out the window
Like he was expecting rain

Expecting something

Who knows?

Then he says--'It'd be easier not to love her if there was someone else to love'

And I thought about my ex-husband
And how I didn't get over him
Until I met my new guy

He's about twenty years older than me
And crankier than a goat with two assholes
But I loved him the minute I laid eyes on him

It was when I was living away from the city
Taking care of my mother before she passed
And I had to get my computer fixed
So I brought it into his store
And as soon as I saw him fiddling with the mouse
I fell pretty hard

We pulled up in front of the church
And I could see
It was going to be hard for him
To go inside

So I parked the cab

--And yeah, I found a parking spot at 2pm on a Saturday--I shoulda called the Guiness World Record people--

I got out
And I said--

'You ready?'

And he said--

'What are you doing?'

And I said--

'I'm your date, Big Boy.  Just don't try nothin' unless you plan on liquoring me up first.'

He laughed
Got out of the cab
Took my arm
And escorted me in

It was a real nice wedding
And--I didn't tell him this, but--
His ex-wife was quite the looker
As for his brother, eh, I'd've stuck with Charlie
But I don't know the whole story, you know?

You never really know the whole story

When the ceremony was done
We walked back out to the cab
But Charlie said--

'I think I'm going to walk.'

Then he gave me a kiss on the cheek
Like I was a lady or something
And he went on his way

I found the cash and the note
In the backseat

He left me that note
Even before I offered to be his date
Ain't that somethin'?

He held my hand through that entire wedding
Not 'cause he was being fresh
But because I think he needed somebody
To hold onto in that moment

I was real sorry to hear that he died
But I was happy to know
That at least for one moment in his life
He had somebody's hand to hold
When he needed it

That makes me feel
Pretty good

Charlie's First Boss

Charlie was always three and a half minutes early

I'm aware of stuff like that

Not someone being early

Truthfully
I don't care if anybody's early

I run a computer repair shop
And as long as the computers get repaired
I don't particularly care
Who's here when

But Charlie, I noticed
Was always
Three and a half minutes early
Which is an oddity
If you think about it
As I have

Why three and a half minutes?

Why not five?
Or five minutes late?

Why not be one of those people
Who shows up at their job
Two hours before their start time
Because they're nervous about being late

I've never been lucky enough to employ one of those people
But I hear about them
The way someone might hear
About unicorns

Charlie--and I timed this, obviously
Or else how would I know--
Was always--
Three and a half minutes early

So, in terms of what I can say about Charlie
Well, he was early
He was always early

When he worked for me anyway
I can't speak to other bosses
But for me, Charlie was always early

Then one day
He just...didn't come in

I started panicking right at the three minute mark

Because when a man shows up three and a half minutes early
For every shift
For a year
And then suddenly it's three minutes before his shift
And he's not there
You know something's wrong

So I call him at his house
And his mom picks up
And says he moved to California

Guess he had to get away from the girl next door to him
His Mom said she broke his heart
And now she's a lesbian

I told her I know all about that
But truthfully, I had no idea

As I was speaking to his mom on the phone
The door to the shop opened
And who walks in but Charlie

Had to pick up some stuff, he said
And he apologized for not giving me notice

Said if he spent one more day
Living next to that girl
It was going to turn him
Into some kinda bad poet

I told him I know all about that
But again, no idea

I asked him, because it had been bugging me
Why he was always three and a half minutes early
And he pointed to his watch

'From my grandpa,' he said, 'It's been three and a half minutes ahead since he died.  I never got around to changing it.'

And here I thought the kid was just quirky

We sat for awhile
And talked about stuff

He asked me
If I'd ever been to California
And I said I'd heard it was nice there
But no, I'd never been then

Then he asked me
If I thought
He was doing the right thing

It's a strange situation
When your employee quits
And then asks you
If you think he's a dope for quittin'

I thought about it for a second
And then when I looked at him
When I really looked at him
I realized that he wanted to change his mind

But not because he was making a mistake
But because he was scared
Scared to make a change

Now the thing about Charlie
Is that he wasn't just early
He was a good employee

He worked hard
He minded his own business
And when the other guys would try electrocuting each other for fun
He would always be the first one to call 9-1-1

Truthfully, I kind of wanted to keep him around

But then I looked at the shop we were sitting in
My little home away from home
All four feet of it--and that isn't a large exaggeration
By the way

And I looked at Charlie

And I told him to go

I told him he should go
And try out California
See how it fit
And if it didn't
He could come back
And I'd have a job for him

We shook hands
And exchanged good-byes
And he took off

To this day
That's the best gift
I've ever given anybody

Giving Charlie permission
To go see what's what out there

Truthfully, I wish I'd given myself that permission
But this isn't supposed to be about me, is it?

The day Charlie walked out of my shop
I closed up three and a half minutes early

Just 'cause

Just 'cause it felt
Right

Charlie's Cheerleader

It was, um, gosh
Like, after senior prom?

Junior prom?

I don't, wow
You know

You'd think I'd remember
But...

I moved to New York
After high school
And then high school
Just sort of started
Blurring together

The lines, I mean

Blurred

So, senior prom
Probably
Because junior year
I remember...

I mean, Charlie really wasn't on my, uh, radar

See, I was a cheerleader
And he was, uh--

Because he was, well--

I think junior year
He did drama club

But then senior year
He went all Goth
And I was kind of into that?

I mean, I wouldn't admit to it
But I was

I was kind of into it

Oh, and I was also sort of into this girl
Who lived next to Charlie
Who I guess became a lesbian
Even though I'm a not a lesbian?

The idea just sort of appeals to me?

Like, I'm attracted to the idea?

Um, so, we were all out
After senior prom
At this diner in town
And the boys

The boys on the soccer team

I mostly dated them
Even though we cheered for everybody
You know cheerleaders
Are very
Democratic
In that way

Uh, but I would date the soccer players
And we were all at the diner
After prom
And the boys
Kept trying to get the waitress
To sit down at our booth
But she wouldn't
And they knew that
And that's why they kept trying to get her to sit down
Because she wouldn't
Because she said it breaks some rule of waitress-ing
And so the boys were laughing really hard
And I felt really bad for the waitress
Because I couldn't even leave her a good tip
Because I was in a dress, like, I had no money on me
And the boys were going to pay for everything
But I knew they weren't going to tip
And they were giving her a hard time
Like she was one of those guards at Buckingham Palace
You know, that don't move
Even when you yell at them
Except, she's not, you know?

She's a waitress

And then I hear--

'Hey'

And I turn around
In the booth
And Charlie's standing there
Like, not in a tux
Because he didn't go to prom
Because he's Goth, you know
Goths don't believe in prom
It's against their religion

But he's like--

'Hey, leave her alone'

Meaning, the waitress
And I...

I don't know
I sort of thought it was cool
That he would try to be
You know, valiant
Like that

(I remember thinking 'valiant' because I remember we were reading 'Three Musketeers' in English right before finals and 'valiant' pops up when you talk about that.  The word 'valiant.')

The boys kinda went back
To talking about shit boys talk about
And I saw Charlie get up and leave
And so I excused myself
To go to the ladies room
But I didn't

Instead I went outside
Looking for Charlie

And he was walking

He was walking
Home, I guess?

So I caught up to him
And we just kinda walked
And then I asked him if he knew who I was
And he said 'Yeah, you're a cheerleader'
And I said, 'Yeah, and you're Charlie'
And that kinda made him laugh
And then...

I just remember...

It's blurry, you know?

I remember we wound up at this park
This park that was, like
Not really a park
But like a park because there's a statue
Of the guy who founded the town
And when you have a statue
You have to have a park

So we were on this bench
In this park
And I think I kissed him

I'm pretty sure
Because I don't think
Charlie would have kissed me

And then--

It was a kind of rainy night
Like, it wasn't raining
But there was rain in the air, or something?

And we...

We made love

Had sex

Whatever

There was a gazebo
And we went in there
And--

I don't why nobody caught us
But they didn't
And it was...

It was actually really nice

It was...um, it was my first time
And it was really nice
Charlie was...

Really nice about everything

Then we graduated and I moved to New York
And...

I never told him about the baby

There really wasn't, um
Much to tell, I guess?

I was in New York
I wasn't going to have a baby
That night was the only night
I'd ever even talked to Charlie
And when it was over
I just put my clothes on
And he walked me home
And that was it

My date from that night
Never even asked me what happened
And we were sort of dating

I know when girls
Take care of a pregnancy
The way I did
They tell you they think about the baby all the time
But I don't

I really don't

But I do think about Charlie
And how nice he was
And how he would have made a good dad, I bet
And how I would tell him that
If I could

I would tell him it wasn't because of him
That I didn't have the baby
It was because I was in New York
And I wasn't a cheerleader anymore
And I wasn't a mother either
And I wasn't sure what I was going to be
But I wasn't going back home
And that's where he was
And I...

Yeah

I don't think about any of that stuff anymore
School, the prom, the diner, the soccer team

But I think about Charlie

I think about Charlie
All the time

Charlie's Neighbor

Charlie used to jerk off to me

We were neighbors
When we were kids
And I would walk around
In a bathing suit

Because it was summer
And it was my yard
And it was refreshing

And yes, I knew what he was doing

Because when Charlie would...

He would sing

I don't know why
Obviously I couldn't ask

But one day I was sunbathing on the deck
And I hear 'Why Why Why Delilah'
Coming from the house next door

The windows were open
And Charlie's bedroom
Was on the first floor

So I sat up on my deck
And looked over the fence
And that's when I saw Charlie
Duck down in the window

But he must have kept going
Even after I caught him
Because I kept hearing it

'Why, why, why Delilah'

Honest to God
Boys are so strange

I mean, Tom Jones?

Really?

Who sings Tom Jones while they're playing the banjo?

And why that song?

Where did he hear that?

There is nothing sexy about 'Why, Why, Why Delilah"

I walked right over to his house
Because I knew nobody was home
And I knocked on the front door

He opened it
Looking just like the munchkin
In 'The Wizard of Oz'
Who lets everybody into the Emerald City

Okay, I guess he didn't really look anything like that
But for some reason
That was the image
That sprang to mind

I asked him if he was...you know...to me
And he said 'Yeah'
But he wouldn't look me in the eye

So I took him--We were both about, gosh, sixteen then, I guess
I took him--by the hand, marched him
Straight to his bedroom--I'd been in the house before
Every year his family would have a Fourth of July party
And I would sneak into Charlie's room
With a glass of his parent's brandy
And get shitfaced

So we go to his bedroom
I lay him down on the bed
And we do it

We do it right there
Right then

Simple as that

I'd already done it
With one of the other guys
From the neighborhood
Alan Rogers
Who later on in life
Became a documentary filmmaker
So I was already on the pill

As you can imagine
Charlie didn't take very long
And when he was done
I got dressed
While he sat on the edge of the bed
Looking at me
Like I'd just done a magic trick

I asked him if it was his first time
But I already knew the answer

He said the closest he ever came
Was staring down the shirt
Of this girl who tutored him
In long division
Back when he was in elementary school

The truth is, I could already see
That strange sexual habits
Were developing in Charlie

Nothing bad, mind you
It wasn't like he was going to be into
Dressing up like Abe Lincoln or anything

It was just clear
That he was going to have a hard time in life
If some girl didn't straighten him out

So that's what I did
And I'd do it again

He kept jerking off to me
But there was no more singing

I realize this isn't the most appropriate story
To be telling at a funeral
Because you're supposed to only say nice stuff
But the truth is
Charlie jerked off
Just like everybody else

What I will say--in terms of
Something nice
Because I do want to say something nice

Is that Charlie was probably
The most gentle person
I've ever made love to

And on my twenty-first birthday
I realized I was a lesbian
And only had sex with women after that
And STILL Charlie was the most gentle person
So that's really something

Oh, and he had a good voice

He had a really pretty voice

Charlie's Tutor

He was terrible at long division
He was, perhaps
The worst student
I have ever tutored
In long division

I wasn't even aware
Someone could be that bad
In long division

I mean, it's long division
Yes, it's not normal division
It is, somewhat more complicated
Than your average division
But nevertheless, it is not rocket science

I should know
I ended up becoming
A rocket scientist
Later in life

By the way, twenty years after tutoring Charlie
The lab I was working in
Exploded
And the government sent my family a bouquet of flowers
And a letter
Telling them that I died
In a 'field accident'

This is how stupid my family is
They bought it

I was a rocket scientist!

What would I be doing in a field?
In any kind of field?
And what sort of accidents happen
In fields?

It just goes to show you
How terrified they were
Of actually understanding
What it was
Their daughter
Did for a living

Charlie was, believe it or not
What was on my mind
The day the lab exploded

Perhaps he was the reason
I wasn't paying attention
When I added the wrong chemical
To the beaker on the burner

It's because I looked over at the chalkboard
That we kept in the lab
And someone had drawn a long division problem on it

The simplest problem

Written across the board
In big, loopy writing

You know, I'm dead now
But it still doesn't make me omniscient

I don't know who wrote that long division problem
But it was...

Really beautiful

Nice and simple

I forgot how beautiful
Those problems could be

I'd imagine it's like becoming a chef
Learning to make a souffle
Then walking by a bakery window
And seeing the perfect cupcake

It's a cupcake
You can do it in your sleep
But in a way
It's like an old friend
And because of that
It seems more beautiful
Than even the tastiest souffle

That's what I thought of
When I saw the long division problem
Stretched out across the chalkboard

And I thought of Charlie
Who I failed

I could never make him see it
The beauty that can be found in complexity

Or how one girl's 'walk in the park' math problem
Can be another boy's educational downfall

Despite my efforts
Charlie flunked math
And continued to do poorly in the subject
Throughout high school
Having to go to summer school once
For Algebra 2

I looked at that math problem
And remembered Charlie
The only time in my life
I've ever come up short

And then shortly after that
My life was over

In some ways, I guess you could say
Charlie killed me

But those ways would be completely illogical
And I'm nothing if not logical

The funny thing about that problem
On the chalkboard?

It was solved

I could see that the numbers checked out
And the work was all there

I died the same day Charlie did

And part of me thinks
Maybe that was him writing on the board
To let me know
He finally understood

Maybe he wanted me to see
That he finally saw the beauty
Of long division

Charlie's Waitress

Charlie came around into the restaurant
On a Thursday
And I guess
He ate eggs

I do not make it a habit
Of memorizing
Everything
That everybody
Who comes in here
Eats

That's not my way

Could tell by his coffee order
He was heartbroken

That much I can remember

Because when a man orders coffee
Black with extra sugar
That means he's had his soul
Stepped on
Like a bottle
At a Jewish wedding

They step on bottles, right?

My last husband was Jewish
But we got married in my aunt's backyard
Because I was a Wiccan princess
For most of my thirties
Until I found out that they don't have princesses
And that was just something
My sister told me to screw with my head

She always was a bitch

Anyway Charlie ordered black with sugar
Which means he needed the softness of sugar
But wanted the blackness
Of a cup full of creamless coffee

I brought him his coffee
Then committed the cardinal sin
Of waitress-ing

I sat down across from him

You know, in the booth?

Oh sure, some waitresses do it

But unless you're some five-and-dime
Applebee's hoofer
Serving up greasy pot stickers
You stand like a real woman
Who works in the food service industry

But I could see this was a special case

Charlie needed some counseling
And a chocolate-covered donut

'Now listen,' I said to him

'You aren't the first guy to come in here
And order black with extra sugar
And you won't be the last

But what you have to remember
Is this:

You were too good for her.
You were treated badly.
You'll find someone else.'

Now granted
I had not met the woman I was talking about
But that didn't necessarily matter

My customers are always right
And if my customer is sitting in my booth
Drinking extra-sweet coffee
Then some woman out there
Is a ball-crushing whore
And my customer can do better

Charlie could do better

I sure hope he did
Before he died

He left me a real nice tip
And a note
Written on a napkin
Saying thank you

A thank you note

Even though the cook
Screwed up his eggs
And gave him over hard
Instead of scrambled

That man always did
Have to make things more difficult
Than they needed to be

Anyway I've gotten some nice tips in my time
But I never got another thank you note

That was Charlie

He was that kinda guy