The Giants of Don Quixote

There's no wind today
That's the first thing I notice

A dead man
Feels no wind

All the air is--whoooossssssshhhhhh

--Expelled

From the body

Whether the death is real
Or not

I don't know why everybody accepted my death
So readily

No heartbeat?
So what?

Heartbeats
Fade with age

Organs--ssscchlllurrrrpppppppp--seize up
Into themselves
But the mind

The mind--when cultivated
Carries on

Perhaps it carries on past death
Who can say?

All I can say is this--

I became aware
At some point
That people
They
Well
As you get older
They
Hold
Onto
You
And
Suddenly
You're...

You're sort of...

Burdened

Drowning

You're sort of...

Drowning in and because of
People

And when you have things to do
It becomes very
Well
Exhausting

To...

Have to deal with...that

So I faked it

My death

I faked...death

It was...not all that hard

When you're old
People just expect you to die
Sometimes they even wait for it
Anticipate it

Then--'Oh look, it's here--he died'

I thought they'd be surprised
When I pretended to pass away
But no, they accepted it

Maybe they were glad that I finally...

...Slowed down a step

They all said their good-byes
I reached dramatically
Out, out, out

Old, withered, crippled hand
Grasping for life

And then I--conk--passed out
They all left the room
And when the undertaker showed up
I paid him off

And went right back out again
In search of my giants

Wouldn't you know it?
I found them

Once they heard I was dead
They stopped hiding
The cowards

Suddenly there were giants everywhere
But a noticeable lack of windmills

Perhaps that explains
The calm absence of air

I've spent these past few years
Taking down one giant after another
After another

I have to say, Death has been very polite
It's allowed me to finish the task at hand
Before coming
To claim its prize

Even the gracious Lord Himself understands
That a man's life cannot end
In a bed
In rags
With a priest
With pitying friends
With tears and mumbled prayers

And regrets

It has to end fighting
Giants, or otherwise

Mine will end here
In a field
On a cool Fall night
A guitar playing somewhere
The slit belly of a giant
Spilling out slowly into the night

I lay near the giant's mustache
To avoid the blood and bile
But it trickles down to me nonetheless

And every once in awhile
A little cry
Escapes the lips
Of the fallen ogre

I believe him to be the last
But maybe not

A part of me hopes not
A part of me hopes there are more giants out there
For someone else to conquer

Am I happier dying alone
Instead of drowning in all those people
As I did the first time I died?

Ultimately, I can't help but look at it
This way--

I was born alone
With breath
And tears
And blood
And guts

And now I shall die alone
With much of the same
Though this time
None of it is my own
Not even the tears

And there's the guitar
And the night air
Prompting me to sing a sweet song
To the dead beast
Beside me

I'll be joining you soon, my monstrous friend
And I'll die singing

This is the only way to die, you see

Laying next to the obstacle
You finally
Overcame

Departures

1921

Oh-nine-blah-bidee-blah

Deception

Departures

Anybody catch that?

I’m not speaking in code here

I’m just confused

As what

I should be

Expecting

One gets off the plane

And says hello

One says good-bye

The plane takes off

The plane lands

The luggage is retrieved

The reunions occur

There is harmony

And I sit

And wait

By departures

She was supposed to be here

In 1921

Somewhere around here

And the ghosts fly on the planes

The same way

The living do

How else would we get around?

We can’t fly, you know

When you’re dead

You don’t immediately turn into a bird

And angel wings are more metaphorical

Than anything

So…

One day  you’re sitting

On a patch of green grass

Drinking a mint julep

And you hear a voice

Because, notable upgrade

When you’re dead

Phones become unnecessary

You just hear a voice that says—

‘I regret what happened in 1921.

I’ve had ninety-one years to think about it

And I’ve decided I regret it

And I’d like to talk about it’

And—‘Can you pick me up from the airport?  Flight this, this time, see you there’

And then—

‘I miss you’

So you go to the airport

You try not to see the poetry

In the situation

You check your watch

It says the same thing it always says, which is—

‘You’re Dead.  Why Do You Care What Time It Is?’

Maybe you’re late

Maybe you’re early

Maybe she changed her mind

Maybe it was just one big joke

Maybe you’re not even really here

You know, you think that sometimes

You think—

This could be a dream.

This could all be a dream

And if it were

How happy would I be?

Or would I be happy at all?

The carpeting is sterile

The coffee in my hand is tasteless

The announcements over the loudspeaker

Sound like my mother

I feel like I’m being scolded

For being here

Then a door opens

There’s a sharp intake of air

That makes a nearby seeing-eye dog bark

And she’s there

With that same little suitcase

With the broken clasp

And the sticker on top

With her name on it

She looks…the same

I look…different

She walks up to me

Hands me the suitcase

Kisses me on the cheek

And says—

‘Thank you for showing up’

And I’m not sure if she remembers but—

I always showed up for her

That was what I did best

Ninety-one years later

And I’m still showing up

Happy to do it

How do you like that?

We depart departures

And I ask if I can hold her hand

She says ‘Yes’

And somewhere a plane takes off

As planes will continue to do

Somewhere it’s still 1921

But not here

Not today

Things You Shouldn't Do In Front of Me

Mainly, you never want to pee in front of me

I would say, that’s a crucial…thing

Not a deal-breaker, per se

But definitely crucial

I really can’t ever see you pee

Or, this is the risk

The, I meant not-large, but not-small risk

That I will immediately

Jettison the love I have for you

Out of my body

For-, you know, -ever

There are just things

One person

Should never do

In front of another person

If they’re expected

To live with that other person

For, you know, possibly

The rest of their lives like—

Peeing

Burping

Teeth brushing

I mean, you should absolutely brush your teeth

Just not in front of me

I basically don’t want to know

That you have a functioning

Human body

Or there’s a chance

I’ll never want

To have sex with you again

I know this seems weird

And kind of

Shallow

Or something

Maybe

But you know, we all have our--

Quirks

You, for instance, only like your eggs scrambled

And I, for example, want to punch you in the face

Whenever you sneeze

So you see

It’s a little of this

A little of that

You know, it’s really about romance

As soon as the romance dies

I mean, really

What do you have?

Honestly

Chaos, basically

Chaos and sneezing

And peeing

And sex is just—

Oh God, I hate that word

Try not to say that word in front of me

And if I start to say it

Stop me

Because even hearing me say it

Just really freaks me out

All of a sudden

There’s this pressure to be—

You know, it’s like—

SEX

Ah!

Haha

No, but really

Try to stop me next time

And don’t eat ribs in front of me

Or pickles

Oysters

Anything in a shell

And I think we’ll be fine

Really

I think we’ll have a nice, long

Fulfilling

Life

Rory

Of course

We’re talking about a boy

Named Rory here

I would get dumped

For a Rory

That would make

All the sense in the world

When a parent names their child ‘Rory’

And it’s a boy

They’re pretty much setting the kid down

On this track

To become this, you know

Gay homewrecker

And he’s a Communications major, of course

And he’s cute in that douchebag sort of way, of course

And he has, like, ten million hags all over his Facebook page

His Facebook page

Is literally

Riddled with hags

I mean, riddled

With them

Hags

Fat girls named Shawna

Who are like—‘When are we going on the BOAT again, Roooorrryyy?’

And you just want to fucking slap them

Even moreso than him

Fucking fat hag boat-loving Shawna

I’m losing him

To this man

Boy, whatever

This Rory

I’m losing my boyfriend

To Rory

And it’s inevitable

I’m watching it happen

I saw it coming

How awful is that?

When you see it coming?

People make getting blind-sided

Sound all bad and shit

But truth be told

At least that’s one big moment of ‘What the fuck?’

As opposed

To two whole months of it

When Rory’s insinuating himself

Into your life

You see the red polo

And the picture of him at some wedding

That cost more than your parent’s house

Indicating ‘I have friends with money.  I have monied friends.’

‘Get with me, kid.  I got a future ahead of me

Not like that bum you’re stuck with now.’

He goes on trips to places

That aren’t tourist-y

And plans to move to New York

Just because it’s New York

And has perfect teeth

And ex-boyfriends who still love him

And Nelson Mandela

Follows him on Twitter

And you’re fucked, you know?

And you know it

You know you’re fucked

And you know, even before the Facebook stalking

And the omens

And the foreshadowing

You think to yourself—

I knew it when I heard his name

I knew it the minute someone said—‘Rory’

‘Oh, I met this guy today, babe.

He seems cool.

We’re going to work on this new project.

His name

Is Rory.’

But what do you do, right?

Ask if he heard it?

Ask if the love of your life

Heard that shoe drop?

The pendulum swing?

The glass break?

Are you supposed to say—

‘Stay away from that guy!

As a matter of fact

Stay away from all guys named Rory!’

No

You just keep washing dishes

You just keep getting dressed for bed

You just keep looking back at the train bearing down on you

The train named Rory

And you say—

‘Oh yeah?

That’s cool

He sounds

Nice’

On the West Bay

The thing I wanted to tell you is
Nobody expects you
To be okay

Really, nobody

I mean, if you wanna, I don't know
Shave your head
Or chew your hair
Or, like, run away a few times
That'd be okay

I mean, I'd like it if you didn't do that
But nobody's expecting--this

What you're doing right now
Being all cooperative
And serene and shit

Nobody's really expecting that
And to be honest
I think it's starting to unnerve people

I mean, somebody died
Like, not your Mom or anything
Not me, but still
Somebody you were--

Were you dating the kid?

Okay, a date
But you're fifteen
So that's like
What?
Twelve years of marriage?

I mean, I know it was natural
Heart disorder, I mean
But it still sucks
It's still okay to feel like it sucks
Because it does
Even if it's natural

Natural things can suck
Like, you know, hail
That really sucks

Earthquakes, head lice, that kinda shit
It all sucks
And it's, like, totally okay
To wanna, you know, bitch about it

God, I'm terrible at this

I mean, I'm not some wise old sage
I'm thirty-five
You're not expected to be wise
At thirty-five anymore

You should have had one of those old dads
Who, like, had you after years and years of thought and consideration
So that when you turned fifteen
And your whatever-maybe-boyfriend died suddenly
He'd have some really awesome advice for you
Instead of just 'things suck'

I took you here
Because, I don't
The West Bay
It's--

It's peaceful
And I thought--?

Maybe if you were in a peaceful place
You'd be able to, like, soak up the peace
Or something

Don't ask me why I think my daughter
Is a giant sponge
But that's what I thought

You know, when your grandmother died
I came out here
And I couldn't take my dad with me
Because he was just, like, sitting in this chair
His soul just kind of
Dripping out of him
Like a leaky grieving faucet

So I came here
And I looked at the water
To see if I could
I don't know
Understand something

And then eventually
I just sort of felt like--

Like it was time to go home

You have me
For whatever that's worth
Maybe not much
But, just so you know
I'm willing to stay here
Until the water tells you
It's okay to go

And if this whole thing is a bust
And you actually are totally fine
And this is just incredibly awkward
And we're looking at people fishing for nothing
Then you call me that too
And we'll leave

I just wanted you to know
That I know
That all of this...

...That I know

I wanted you to know
That I know

And, you know
I love you and shit
So...

So we'll wait
We'll watch the water
And when you're ready

I'll take you home

Okay?

I've Been On This Titanic Before

"First time?"
"Hm?"
"First time on?"
"Eighth."
"Wow."
"Yeah.  I'm addicted."
"How many times have you survived?"
"Of the eight?"
"Yeah."
"None."
"None?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"I'm...I'm getting better."
"Is it the drowning?"
"Well, yeah, I mean--we all pretty much drown."
"No, I know but--"
"Eventually it's all drowning.  It's not like the World Wars."
"Oh, that simulation is too much for me.  Too overwhelming.  I can't even figure out which side I'm supposed to be on and by then somebody's already shot me in the head."
"How many times have you played this one?"
"Four times.  I died twice."
"So you've survived twice?"
"Yeah."
"That's--"
"I mean, the first time was a fluke.  Somebody knocked me into a lifeboat.  I mean, really, like, rushed into me and I fell into the lifeboat."
"What about the second time?"
"That time I was--that was intense.  I was in the engine room."
"You were in the engine room?"
"They make it harder for you once you survive once.  I can't imagine what they do to the people who survive twice.  They must make you the captain or something."
"It's the same way when you die.  It becomes easier.  This time around I'm an actual lifeboat operator.  I'll probably still end up going down with the ship."
"What do you suppose the problem is?"
"I guess it's that..."
"Yes?"
"Well, I guess, the issue would be that I always try to get as many people in the boats as possible."
"You mean before yourself?"
"More like never myself.  I always end up giving every free seat I can find away to someone else."
"But that's not the goal of the simulation."
"I know."
"The goal isn't to be some kind of hero.  It's to save yourself."
"I know, but it's so realistic."
"That's what makes it fun, but you can't think of the other people as real people."
"But they are real people.  Just like us."
"They're just players.  Everybody's playing."
"But some of them are crying and--"
"It gets to be too much for some people.  Not everybody should play.  They tried to regulate it, but of course, everybody's convinced they can handle anything."
"My sister tried the Hindenburg simulation.  She wound up in the mental ward."
"You see what I mean?"
"But it's hard to just turn your back on those people."
"With this simulation, the idea is to tell yourself that there aren't enough boats anyway.  And there aren't.  There really aren't.  So no matter how many people you manage to get in the boats, some are still going to die.  And the goal--the only goal--is for you not to die.  So, I mean, save people, sure, but ultimately, get your ass in a boat."
"I know."
"If you keep losing, they're just going to block you from the simulation.  Then you're going to be stuck doing 'Supermarket Hold-Up' or 'Traffic Accident.'"
"Maybe I'm in over my head."
"Just focus on the task at hand.  Not that I can talk, I only succeeded once."
"But from the engine room!"
"I got a boost of confidence from that first time.  You survive once, and it just...changes you.  Suddenly you're a survivor, you know?  You start to behave like one."
"It's a good thing you got knocked into that boat."
"It was some older woman.  She pushed me.  I tried helping her into the boat and instead she pushed me.  I banged my head, and when I woke up, the simulation was over."
"That was nice of her."

. . . . .

"Were you ever...in a simulation?"
"What?  An old woman?  No.  Never."
"Really?"
"Nope."
"Huh."
"But maybe this time, I'll get lucky like you did."
"Yeah.  If I recognize you, I'll try to help you out."
"Well, like you said, you just have to worry about yourself, right?"
"Well...right."
"Right."
"But if I see you--"
"I'm sure I'll get it this time."
"Just stay focused."
"I will.  I'll try."
"You ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Nine's a lucky number."
"Is it?"
"It could be."
"You're right.  You're absolutely right."

One For Me, One For You

Robbie's going to the racetrack again tonight
Can't stop him
Why bother
Makes him happy
So what, right?

What can you do about it?
Can't do nothin'

But sometimes
Sometimes
He gets on me
About my stuff

I say Robbie I don't say nothin' about nothin'
So don't go telling me
About my stuff

My stuff fits in the palm
Of the Lord's hand

The Lord can't even look
At your stuff

So let's keep everything right where it is
And see what we see
And what we see only
And the Lord sees all
So we're all being taken care of
That's what I like to believe

That we're all secure
So long as we tend
To ourselves

--And only ourselves

Can't save the world
I try tellin' Robbie that
When he gets to cryin'
About Bill

I say, 'Robbie, honey, Bill was set for the grave
Two seconds after I had him
And the fact that it took him thirty-four years
To get there
Is some kinda miracle'

I don't cry about Bill
Not where anybody can see me do it anyway

Why cry for somebody who's saved?
Who's been pulled from the water?

Do I miss my son?

I miss a lot of things

I can't go crying for everything
I miss

Robbie gets on me
About what I could have done for Bill

Robbie gets judgmental
And superior
Gets on his high horse
And rides all over my living room
Pointing at pictures
Saying 'Didn't I notice this?' and 'Didn't I notice that?'

If I say 'Yes, I noticed' then I'm neglectful
If I say, 'No, I didn't' I'm oblivious

Which is better?

Robbie goes to the track
And bets on his high horse
And says he's not like Bill
He's not going to wind up
Like Bill

Sure, sure, kid

Because death only knows one path, doesn't it?

I'm not afraid of death
And I'm not afraid of dying

I could have died two seconds after I was born
And I would have been just fine with it
Just like my Bill was

And if you said 'This drink is going to kill you'
Or this pill
Or this lie
Or this choice

I'd drink two of 'em
Take two of 'em
Lie twice
And choose to go again

Because that's just how I am
Some are for livin'
And some are for dyin'

And only the Lord gets to pick
Which one you are

Robbie says, 'But I need you.  But I need you here.  I already lost my brother.'
I say--'Robbie, honey, we're all going to lose everybody anyway.  We don't get to keep a thing, don't you understand that?  We don't get a damn thing in this world that'll stay with us forever.'

Men leave you
Kids leave you
Your possessions?--please

Nothing
You get nothing

So lose it all
And get it over with

Sometimes I tell him
'Robbie, when I go
If you want
You can come with me'

And it's true

I'd tell him--

'Just sit right down next to me, Robbie
And have that drink
Take that pill
Lie that lie
Just like you see me doing.'

We'll do one after another
Just like when the kids were kids
And they'd put their Halloween candy
Out on the table

We'd split it up
With me going
One for me, one for  you

One for me, one for you

We'll just play it again
Doling out the chances
To him and to me
Just like it was with Bill

One for me
One for you

Until there's nothing
Left