The Emperor and I

-- I plan on working on a full-length piece involving the Madame in February.  Her relationship with Napoleon is one of the funniest and most unusual I've ever heard of, and in some strange way it's almost like a romance, granted a really abusive one.  If I knew how to write, I'd make it a musical, but since I don't, I'll have to express the absurdity of it in a nice little monologue. --

"Saving the Emperor"

Come in

Come in

Have a seat anywhere

I like to have pillows strewn about

In whatever room I'm sitting in

I like allowing people to feel

That they can just fall

Wherever they like

And land safely

Comfortably

Stop stop stop

I didn't invite you here

To ravage me

At least not right away

You'll have to wait a few moments

I have a quandary

It's about Napoleon

. . . . .

Yes

Him

It seems...

There's a plot

To murder him

At his new island home

No

I'm not sure of the particulars

I just know it's going to happen

And when it's going to happen

And how and by whom

Apparently

I know a few particulars

But that doesn't obligate me

Does it?

What I mean to say is

Should I say anything?

Oh don't look at me like that

The man was brutal to me

He exiled me

From my home

For years!

What's going to happen to him

Isn't anywhere near as awful

It's just going to involve actual blood

As opposed to the metaphorical blood

The blood I shed in buckets

That I turned into pages

Of glorious prose

Where are you going?

I brought snacks

Sit back down

Have some gouda

It's aged

I'm not sure what to do

I don't want to see anyone murdered

For one thing

It might make a  martyr out of that little gnome

And I wouldn't want that

Once I'm done with my shocking expose on his life

I don't want any critics saying I'm being overly harsh

To someone who suffered a cruel end

And to be honest

I'm not sure I could bear it

Living without an enemy

A life without a foe

Is like a dinner

Without a guest

Everyone can gossip about

In the powder rooms

After he or she has left

I don't like Napoleon

But knowing he's out there

Drives me

It makes me work harder

It makes me want to prove myself

Not to mention

It's unfair to have him taken from me now

Now that's he suffering

Death is a kindness he doesn't deserve

What's the point of beating your competition

If at the end of the race

He's poisoned

Before he gets to see you glow with victory?

Hmm...

I've convinced myself

As I often do

I'll warn him

Or I'll send word along

What better salt in his wound

Than salvation from a woman

And not just any woman

But from the smartest

He ever dared to banish

I'll expect flowers

And if I don't get them

I might just take his life myself

Now

You may take me

On whichever pillow

You prefer