Use the Word

-- I find junior editions of anything deplorable. I'm not of the "It will help it reach a broader audience" persuasion, and I don't even care if it's sanctioned by its creator. To me, if a piece offends you, there's a very good chance it was meant to offend you or at least shake you up, and to say you love the piece but not the part of the piece that rattled you a little bit is absolutely ridiculous. Here's someone who feels a little bit more strongly about it than I do. Warning-bad, bad, bad words are used. --

"Use the Word"

So
Let me get this straight
You want to do my play
At your high school
Even though by your own admission
Things about the piece
Would have to be changed

Offensive things
Bad words
Ugly turns of phrases
Nudity
Sexuality
Intensity
Ugliness
And the unhappy ending

So basically
You want to take my play
Which you love
Creatively rape it
Then put it onstage
A shell of its former self
Whimpering and beseeching
All the while milking its title
For the dollar values

Because it's won rave reviews
From people smarter than your audience
At the Bradley Burke Academy
In Codetta, New Jersey

Because your audience wouldn't like it
But you do
But you're willing to destroy it
To make your audience happy
That's a very sadistic form of love
Mr. Guernton

But I've considered your request
And I've come up with a compromise

First off, I should mention
That every regional theater
In this country
Wants my play

Every Artistic Director
Who still remembers how to kiss ass
Has kissed my ass
In the last few months

Look over at that wall
Do you see the Tony?
Do you see the Pulitzer?
Do you see the wall anymore
In back of all the awards?
I can't
Can you?

Good
Now here's my compromise

I will allow you to do my play
My award-winning
So-good-I-can-say-my-name
And-have-someone-blowing-me
In-under-five-seconds
Play

I will allow you to make
Whatever changes you like
Rip the whole thing up
And start from scratch
For all I care

On one condition

I want you to open the play
With the word
Cock

I want one of your little Burke boys
To stand onstage
And say 'Cock'

Loud and proud
And with no mistaking
What he's referring to

Don't put a rooster onstage
Don't try to make it part of a bigger sentence
Like 'Cock this drain for me, will you, Ted?'

Just have him stand there
And say 'Cock'

Or hey, you could do it
I'd let you do it
I'd agree to that

You stand up there
In front of all those parents
And you say 'Cock'

Then sit down
And let the show begin
The show being whatever
You want it to be

However bland and mild
However dumb and vanilla
However overwrought and sappy
As long as it starts
With the word
'Cock'

Mr. Guernton
Do you think
That your students
Don't know what 'cock' means?
Do you think they're offended by that?
Do you think if you say it
They'll go home
And play with it for the first time
Rather than the eightieth?
What did you do when you were their age?

Hell, I used to call out of school
So I could do it for hours
Trust me
'Cock' won't shock them

As for their parents
Those sick, suppressed rich bastards
Who drive into the city
And pay over a hundred dollars
So they can sit there
And let me say 'cock' to them
A query

Why can't their kids say it to them?
Why not?

It's just a word
Just a simple word
'Cock'
'Cock'
'Cock'
After awhile
It stops sounding like anything

It's not like I'm having you say 'Fuck'
'Fuck' is always 'fuck'
And it implies bad action
Whereas 'cock' just implies
Something that could be used FOR bad action
Or not
It's really all that you make of it

So you can do the play, Mr. Guernton
Or you can turn it down
Which would be foolish
Since as I mentioned
I have movie studios in California
That are sending me hookers and coke
In the hopes that I'll let them rape it first
Or you can have a go
At my little Drama Desk winning cherry

It's really up to you

And all you have to do
Is use the word

And come on, Mr. Guernton
Admit it
You kind of want to use it
You kind of like the idea
It turns you on
Doesn't it?

Hey
Here's an idea
How about I show up
And say it?

That'll really be a coup
I'll stand on that stage
And I'll shout it at the top of my lungs

Then the lights can dim
While the jaws lift
After having dropped

And something so good will begin
That it will trounce everything else
That would distract
From what it makes it what it is
Which is that word
And other words
And intensity
And sexuality
And offensive
And theater
And reality

Reality, Mr. Guernton
That's what you're really scared of
Not the word
It's not about the word

Is it?

Well
Like I said
It's completely up to you